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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1678
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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We built a new home 1 year ago in the country. I grew up in

Customer Question

We built a new home 1 year ago in the country. I grew up in the country/ husband and I lived in another country home for 15 years. I have changed...I no longer like the country and our12 year old daughter would also much rather live in town. There is a better school district 5 miles away and she has great friends there. She asks about moving there.... I would love for her to experience the town life, I would love to have all of her friends walk to our house after school. My husband has no interest as this is his dream home and he built it. Please help!
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
I changed...not my husband. I feel so guilty as my husband helped build this home. It is beautiful. But, I know our daughter and myself would be happier in town but he is happier here. We only have 5 years until she is out of school then I am ok moving back to the country. But, we can't afford 2 homes and we would have to sell the home he built :(
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 10 months ago.

You could rent his home out so you could rent a house in town. Or you could find a job in town that would enable you to rent an apartment near the school you want her to go to. You need to e open with your husband about what's bothering you, since you don't seem to have taken your daughter's ways into account when you supported your husband's new plans. You might have to take off the mask (or camoflage)-personality you have developed to keep him as happy as he wants to be. but that might begin a transition to a new phase of your marriage that is more realistic, but unpredictable, than what you have lived in up to now.

How do you react to these thoughts?

Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Our daughter's wants changed since the build. We have been in the home for a little over a year; with the construction of the home starting about 6 months before that. At the time, our daughter was fine at our school and we didn't see a need to move to another school district. Since then, she started in many activities and sports that have opened her to new friends. She gets along so good with them. We were also in a rental home in town while the home was being built and it was nice. In the meantime, due to school funding in Illinois, our current school district has drastically went downhill with many of the friends that she had have moved due to cuts. This last year we put her in private school, hoping that would help- but it doesn't seem to be the answer. We have been married for 15 years and I have changed my wants and dreams. I want my child to have the life I was not able to have as a child.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
I could be wrong...but I do not think that he would like renting the home out. But, I am willing to ask him.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 10 months ago.

I know it's a difficult choice for you all to make for your daughter's sake. The approach I'm suggesting requires an assertive attitude on your part. That does not meabn you're forcing him to go back to renting in town--that would be aggressive. It's an invitation to negotiation, in hope that you can all get enough of what you want. So you would explore ways for your husband to benefit from returning to a town house, by widening your perspectives to include more aspects of all three lives--such a WHO the country home would be rented to, or how else it might be used, what your husband does with his work-life, etc. Your goal is to seek a win/win/win outcome (for all 3 of you).

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