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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1678
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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By holding off sex till relationship, will some people

Customer Question

By holding off sex till relationship, will some people tend to cheat since they wouldn't like to be left without sex? Or they cheat not because you are holding sex but because that is who they are so they will do it regardless?

Is it 100% true cheaters will always cheat or it is just a high percentage?

Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.

Hi,

I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. And the "easy" answer to your question is, "It depends on the person." To explain, there are individuals who feel they need sex/their sex drive is very high and to them, waiting for a relationship just is too difficult. While I think most people could control themselves if they really wanted to, there are research studies to suggest that people with brain injuries or tumors or damage--any of the above in the frontal lobe area of the brain where one is supposed to have impulse control--may lack this self-control due to one or more of the above. So it is very possible that for a small percentage, these people truly cannot help it.

Then on the other hand, some people cheat because they truly do not care about the other person or care so minimally and are so focused on their own needs and wants that they will cheat just to cheat. A percentage of these people are known as sociopaths, individuals who feel no sympathy or empathy toward others and will do whatever they want whenever they want to serve themselves.

I hope this answers your questions. I do not know the estimated/researched breakdown for the types of individuals I quoted above, but I can certainly do some research for you if you are interested. At least statistical breakdowns might be useful in predicting behaviors, especially if there are other influencing factors such as environment/upbringing, geography, or other demographics.

Let me know if this helps or if I can do more.

Best,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Awesome! It sounds like most likely a cheater is a cheater on his own term, rather than just because you are holding sex. I agree they are sociopath - especially when they knows extremely well how to disguise themselves as a good person who is honest and loyal!

So in general do you think holding out sex will ensure a better chance of success in landing a relationship or it doesn't matter that much?

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Yes can you give me some statistics breakdown as well?

Do we have to get into a relationship first before having sex (in terms of increasing the chance of success)? Or as long as you waited a little bit (say two months?), then it is ok to do it if you feel like it?

And would you say those who leave, most likely they weren't looking for a relationship to begin with? So it wouldn't be that they left you because you are holding sex even they do want a relationship?

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 11 months ago.

Hi, I was not online last night after about 9:20. But I will dig out some of my annotated bibliographies today and give you some numbers. And I think you hit the proverbial nail exactly on the head--so often people cheat and do other "relational trangressions" as we call them because that is who the person is and not because of the other person. It's easy to blame and point fingers, but many researchers believe the data show people do not need help doing these things--they are quite capable of doing them on their own, not because their partner is withholding sex or anything like that. But I'll get some articles and data together for you today. :)

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Hmm are you so sure? I also thought maybe because I pressured for a relationship, or I sometimes said rude, mean things that he doesn't like me that much any more? Or because I mentioned several times to him: are you going to cheat?(as a way to prevent him) and I thought that might tempted him to cheat actually. What do you think?

Cool thanks for digging articles.But if you have answers for my others questions, please let me know soon. I just can't wait to have the answers:)

Oh another question, after I confronted him, he quickly went distant and told me he doesn't want to commit. Do you think it is because he did cheat therefore afraid I am finding out soon, or he just doesn't like that I didn't trust him and I am aggressive? Why he is saying he still have strong feeling and likes me but just can't commit when he is already so distant and seems too busy for me(so his actions just doesn't match his words)? Just trying to say nice things or he meant it?

We should never consider going back to a cheater/liar, correct?

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

And nothing to do with that maybe they are too young, career too unstable to settle down, so they are playing for now but eventually they will settle and become a good husband or bf correct? Or you still think these are not the reasons...it has to do with the person himself.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.

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