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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1681
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Last year i meet a man on a dating site and was chatting

Customer Question

hello
last year i meet a man on a dating site and was chatting whit him in yahoo messenger for 1 month and we have meet in real in a park in a city in norway
we was only in his home and had sex and watching tv and sometimes we have drink beer
and eat food-. we had contact and meet every week for 5 months but have never go out together. he said he have had drug problems before that he was smoking drugs.
so he said he was happy that i was coming in to his life.
he also was in a mental hospital before beause he said he have see ghosts and vampires.
i like him that is why i was whit him for 5 months-
But he is much tired and we have sex 1 time every week.
Before we have meet 2 times every week in his home.
he live in a bad area in a rented appartment for people that have had drug problems and mental problems-
sometimes he have turned off his mobile for many days and when he wants sex whit me
then he send me sms but he never call me-
i dont now if is best for me to forget him?
is not easy for me to find a good man that i like. some men see me as a sex symbol and ask for vagina pictures on dating site.
I think about this man everyday. how do i forget him?
he is not a man for me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. I am so sorry you are experiencing these issues with me on dating sites. Unfortunately while some people seem to have good success with online dating, others are not so fortunate. And the truth is that there are many "trolls" or "catfish" out there. I am not sure about the language--if you know what I mean by certain words Just in case, I mean that there a lot of people out there who pretend to be someONE or someTHING that they are not. If he is in an apartment for people with drug/mental problems, it seems to me that he is probably not emotionally/mentally healthy enough and well enough to be in a relationship in the first place. In other words, unless you are already in a serious relationship (such as marriage), if you are contemplating one but not emotionally healthy yourself, you are not going to be any good to anyone else or to the relationship UNTIL you are well yourself. You have to be healthy FIRST before you can really contribute to a healthy relationship.

I am sorry if this is not the answer you were hoping for, but I am bound ethically to share with customers and clients my recommendations based on experience and what research shows. And I really believe you would be happier with someone who is in an emotionally healthier place in his life. I know dating is difficult. But also keep in mind that if men only want sexual pictures, they are not first of all interested in the kind of person you are and your personality and characteristics. And you know that looks and sex just are not enough to hold a meaningful, serious relationship together if that is what you truly want. And it sounds like you do.

Please let me know if this has helped answer your question. I am also happy to talk on the phone and/or Skype with you if you would like. I'll send the JUST ANSWER form to you shortly so that you will have my contact information.

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Please let me know if what I have written so far has helped. If not, I am willing to try to keep working on a better, more informed answer for you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i dont have mental problems or drug problem like that man

but i liked to be whit him and be a good friend for him.'

I was thinking to go where he live to see if i can find him

but maybe not a good idea because is a place for people whit drug

problem and whit mental problem... is people working there to

take care of this people.

i trie to call him but he have turn of his mobile

maybe he dont feel fine. he also drink much beer and wisky

and is pub where he live.

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

Thank you for responding so quickly! And that is why I think you deserve to be with someone who is at the same place in life as you--you do not have the same problems or struggles as this man. Because of his issues, he is at this house with people there to help him. But I do not believe that that is the best place for you to be hanging out now. Maybe once he gets the help he needs and is truly rehabilitated, you will be able to re-connect with him. But now, please do not settle for something less than what you deserve! I hope that this makes sense! :)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he said he have stop smoking drugs 1 1/2 year ago and that he trying to stay away from people that using drug and he said that place is not good for him . And he wants to move from there.

Because is people living there that still use drugs. that is what he told me. He waqs searhing for love relationship that is why he started to chat whit me. i still like him and think about him everyday.

i need to talk whit him to hear him say if he dont want more contact whit me. but now he is quiet. he have turned off his mobile for 2 days

should i wait til he contact me? and not call and send sms to him?

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi again,

I am sorry you are in what I believe is agony and pain over this relationship. If he truly wants to get out of there, I still believe his energy and focus need to be on him getting back on his feet, becoming independent, finding a job if he does not have one (it does not seem like he has one?), etc.

Also, how do you know he has turned off his phone? I am assuming you tried to call him and it went straight to voicemail? If that is the case, calling or sending sms will not do any good because it seems like he is shutting out not just you but everyone right now. If he is doing that because he wants to focus on himself getting better, that is a good thing.

I know you care about him. If you really need to hear it from him, then send him a text message telling him how you feel and that you need to know how he feels so that you can either figure out what you two are going to do next or so that you can get closure. You deserve to know what is going to happen. :)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he said he get benefict from goverment and that he have been homeless before and had a accident that he have operate his leg

in beginning when i meet him then he said maybe if we get close together he said we can look for a place to live together.

and he said he like me.

so you mean i should send a sms how i feel for him?

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

If you want closure or at least want to know if you have no chance of a future with him, then contacting him and communicating by text/phone is the only way you will know short of showing up at his residence and talking with him face-to-face (almost always the preferable means of interpersonal communication). I really think you are at a different place in your lives. But you seem to like this fellow. So for your own sake in terms of what you should do next, I think it would help you to know how he really feels about you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok and maybe is not good that i call and text him much because it disturb him? maybe try to leave him alone some days?

next time i see him i will ask him how he feel about me

we are same age 49 year. and maybe he wants to marry in future but i dont now if that will be whit me or a other woman

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok and maybe is not good that i call and text him much because it disturb him? maybe try to leave him alone some days?

next time i see him i will ask him how he feel about me

we are same age 49 year. and maybe he wants to marry in future but i dont now if that will be whit me or a other woman

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

See, my original recommendation was to try to move on and distance yourself because it seems like you two are in a different place in your life. If he turns his phone off for several days at a time like you have indicated, he won't get the text message or voicemail (or both) until he turns his phone back on. You have no way of knowing if it is on or not unless you try to connect wit him. If you call and it goes straight to voicemail, that usually indicates his phone is off. But with sms, you never know if he is ignoring you or if his phone is off.

I still think you should wait until he contacts you. I had said what I did last night because you seem to want to contact him even though your relationship would be extremely difficult now due to him trying to get his life and emotional health straightened out.

All of that said, I do not feel as though I am helping you despite all my time and effort because I have seen no ratings. So I can opt out and see if another expert can help you. Please let me know. Your satisfaction is my goal. And if I am not helping you, I would rather someone else try to help if my recommendations are not useful.

Thank you,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ok i will see if i can move on butr now i am angry on him'

if i meet him again i will ask him why he was on dating site and chatting whit me and he was not finhised whit his exgrifriend when he have meet me. I am really angry on him.

I also think if he is busy having sex whit other women

he dont seems to have emotional problems because he now how to

talk whit women in mobile to get them in bed

him and me allways had sex 2 days every week but then it was only

1 day every week. and he did not used protection he said if he have sex whit other women then he use condom.

but he dont use condom whit me

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

If you want to continue, can you please rate me? JA will not compensate me one penny for all my time and effort if the customer does not rate me. If you do not want to rate me, I can "opt out" if you would like to work with another expert. Please let me know. Thank you!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

i will like to work whit another expert

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