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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1689
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Ok my ex dumped me 4 months ago I begged to come back and

Customer Question

Hi ok my ex dumped me 4 months ago I begged for hr to come back and nothing then we started talkin and t wend sour fhen she contacted me a month later and wants to be JUST FRIENDS and talk normal but she sends me pics of herself all the time and text me good night and good morning and wants to jeep hanging out and she gets mad hen I tlk to other girls. Does any of this sound lime she could still be into me she has major self esteem isues and trust isues
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor. And I want to help answer your question as fully as I can. It's hard without actually interacting with your ex to try to figure out her true intent in being around you. It definitely does sound like she values your friendship; it would be very unlikely that she is texting anyone else "Good Morning," and "Good Night." In fact, that usually indicates a closeness that very good friends or "more than friends" share. Maybe she is confused because you are good friends and she does not want to ruin a friendship. If this is the case, then it could be very difficult for her trying to make sure the friendship does not get lost in the romance. Does that make sense?

Let me ask you--Did she tell you why she decided to break it off with you? Do you think it could be that she was getting too close to you and she feared getting too close because the closer two people are, the more vulnerable they become? It's very intimidating for a lot of people who have experienced painful relationships in the past. And since so many women (and men) have self-esteem issues which then are related to trust issues, it is really hard for me to say without meeting her where her head (and heart) are.

Do you think that you can just sit down and talk and see if you can get her to tell you sincerely ***** ***** feels about you? That is my best recommendation if you really want to know. If she sees that you are being sincere and honest and open, do you think she will be honest and open with you? That is the best way really to know.

How would you like to continue? If my suggestions this time are not what you think is going on, perhaps you can give some more details about how she has been acting, and then I can try to respond to that. Please let me know. I'm also going to send you my phone and Skype contact information if you want to use either format to continue our discussion.

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi and thank you for the answer and the reason she broke it off with me is because well we were friends for a year and she text me everyday then we started to get serious and she kept asking me if after a while I was going to look for someone better and I said know there were to main problems for me witch have caused major fights she has a lot of guy friends and goes out with them a lot and she alway takes off up borth for the weekend and I don't hear from her for 2 or 3 days. She said right now she wants to be just friends and talk how we're talking and she also did say she's not seeing anyone else or dating right now and any time I add a friend in fb that's a girl she gets angry and deletes me from fb and won't add me because she dosent want to see me move on ?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She did mention she is really scared to get attached and she said relationships scare her because it never works out
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She's really pretty and always getting asked out by other guys I do t know what that means
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi, thank you for your quick response. Do you want me to continue answering on here or via phone or Skype? Please let me know, and I'll respond here or we can arrange for a phone call/Skype call. Thanks..hang in there! :)

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Here is good
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much for the additional details. With what you have added, to answer your original question to start, yes, I do believe she is still "into you" and is interested in you. And like I had guessed, you confirmed that she has trust issues. When you wrote back and said that she gets asked out by other guys, do you know if she does go on dates? You said she has male friends, but do you think any of the times she spends with these male friends could be considered "dates"?

Additionally, if she is getting so upset at just you adding a female friend on FB that she has to "unfriend" you, of course that indicates a high level of jealous. And of course, a high level of jealousy indicates that while she is definitely interested in you in a romantic way, she is also insecure. I know I am not telling you anything new with that. However, what MAY be new is that I think if you two would be willing to sit down and be very open, up front, and honest with each other, you could work on a romantic relationship. You both have the feelings, and you have history, which indicates from what you have shared that you are friends and get along pretty well. So given these observations, now the real thing that is standing in your way is trust and insecurity. And if you can show her that you ARE trustworthy, that you are NOT going to bail on her every time you have a disagreement, then I believe you have a really good chance. The key or challenge is going to be "showing her" that you are trustworthy.

What I mean by the above is that even though you have history together, she is still very vulnerable because of past relationships that, as you have indicated, "never work out." Unfortunately as humans, we are ALL influenced by our past relationships. If most or all of our romantic relationships have ended badly or been very short, then our expectations of future relationships do not have a lot of hope. That is, people who have had more drama and "bad" relationships are very likely to assume that the next one will be the same. When we go forward with this assumption, even though we probably do not mean to, we are a lot more likely to "sabotage" the relationship. In other words, we will unintentionally start exhibiting behaviors we exhibited in prior (bad) relationships because that is what we are used to. In turn, our relationship partners will react to those bad behaviors, and then we will continue in a downward negative spiral until the relationship ends poorly. This effect is known as the "Self-fulfilling Prophecy".

So again, it is important to recognize this history of behaviors on her part (and yours if you have done this). Once you acknowledge this, it is much easier to move forward. But many couples do not acknowledge this and therefore basically are "destined" to fail. Does this make sense? Let me know if you would like more clarity on this. But for now, my best recommendation is really sit down and explore her past relationships, what she has done, how she has acted, and figure out that she cannot continue to act in certain ways in your relationship if she wants the two of you to have a good relationship. And likewise, you have to commit to her to try hard to also not let the past experiences influence and impact how you communicate in this relationship.

Do you want to talk on the Phone or Skype? Please let me know if this is helping.

Best,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ere ha good for me to talk ! And thanks for the help I'm not sure what's happening she said she just wants to be on good terms she's not ready for a relationship with anyone but she really wants to stay connected with me? Does this sound like she is just keepin me around till she finds better? Should I just move on ?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She wants to stay connected but dosent want me getting the wron ideas or false hope ? She said she dosent know what she wants in her life atm
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

Just checking in to see if anything has developed or changed. To answer your last questions, from what you have shared, it does not seem like she is ready to be with anyone including you. I don't want to rush to judgment and say that she is "playing you" or as you said, "Keeping you around until she finds better" because I have not met her or talked to her. But also as I have said before, she does exhibit very jealous behavior when you add a friend who is female on FB. I think for now in order for you to keep your emotions healthy that you need to focus on YOU. That means do stuff that makes YOU happy--work out, take a class, take up a new interest such as painting or home improvement--anything that you have always wanted to do. The more you focus on yourself and making yourself "healthy," the more inner peace you will have. And nothing is more attractive than someone who is comfortable and happy "in their own skin." This will also help you move on in a positive way. I hope that makes sense.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi and yes it sure does I talked to her well didn't go so good we had an argument and she has told me she just wants to do her thing right now and doesn't want a relationship. I told her I understand and I have backed off
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Do you want to talk/chat more? Do you mind rating my help? I appreciate that! Please let me know if you want to chat more.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'd like to talk more here
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Sure. Are you available at all today? Would you please rate me first? JA will not compensate me for all my time if you do not. Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am and I will right now

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