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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 362
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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My ex gf is scared of me because she is illegal in the

Customer Question

my ex gf is scared of me
because she is illegal in the country
and one day I got so upset
and i went haywire and told her
that she just illegal b in this country....
now she just cannot forget or forgive me at the moment or in a future close
but she said she don't want to fight
for us to be together no more
what can i do to fix this ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

First, I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication professor and relationship expert. I want to help you. Second, I am so sorry you are going through this. It must hurt a lot to have your gf so hurt.

Unfortunately it sounds like she is really afraid of being deported. And because of what she interpreted as a threat by you, she likely thinks that if you have another fight, you will call INS or some other agency to report her illegal status. And that fear is extremely real for her. So even if you say you are sorry and beg forgiveness, I am sure her fear greatly outweighs other emotions. So the first thing for you to do is accept that this is where her mind is right now. She is not going to just suddenly change her mind/feelings.

However, the good news is that you can always establish/rebuild trust. But the key thing to remember is that it will take time. When someone is hurt, whether it's intentional or unintentional, the cause of the pain does not just die one day. It takes a lot of trust-building work on the part of the person who hurt the other one. So now you have to ask yourself what you can do to rebuild trust.

Through the research of some prominent interpersonal communication scholars, we know that trust is built on mutual vulnerability. That is, when both people have reached a certain threshold of trust, they both disclose what their fears are, what makes each vulnerable, etc. In other words, sharing deep, dark secrets that only a few people if that know is a true measure of trust--if you have been imprisoned in the past or in a psychiatric facility or whatever the crime or situation was, it was pretty bad to the point that you don't want anyone else to know. However, in a close relationship, sharing such intimate, private things is what serves to draw two people together. The reason for this is the VULNERABILITY. That is, if the other person really wanted to, s/he could disclose the personal information shared and really make life miserable for the other person. If you want examples, pick up any tabloid at the check-out at your local grocery store. Hollywood couples are NOTORIOUS for this--because they have been hurt/betrayed, they seek to cause the other person pain. The easiest way to do this is usually to reveal intimate details about the other person to the world.

So in essence, think about this. If the way to HURT someone is to reveal the OTHER PERSON'S "dirty laundry" so to speak, then the opposite must be true also. That is, the way to REBUILD trust is to start showing the other person YOU can be vulnerable. In other words, open up more intimate details about your life/past to her. Let her see that you CAN BE TRUSTED because you are trustworthy and that you are opening up to her about YOUR intimate secrets. The more you do this over time, if she still does love you, she is going to learn to trust you again.

I hope this makes sense. If you want, we can set up a phone or Skype session in order to talk in real time. I'll send you the form as soon as I send this. Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I wrote you back two days ago. Do you think my suggestions are helpful? I do not see a rating, so I'm wondering if I might be able to provide more suggestions. Please let me know. I can send you my phone and Skype information form via Just Answer if you would like to chat by phone or video chat. Please let me know. I truly want to help you.

Best,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thank you made a lot of since to me gonna give it a shot
Z
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
since= sense
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

I am so glad! Please let me know. I'm here if you want to chat. I'm going to check the "I'm ready to be rated" box. :)

Best,

--Dr. Jackie

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

I'm also sending the phone/Skype form through JUST ANSWER if you want to use that.

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

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