Hi. Welcome back. Fill me in.
I am saddened to learn of the ending of this relationship and concerned since you mention having suicidal thoughts, although you state you won't act on them, I am concerned. Our work here is not enough for you to get support for yourself. Are you able to do that? And if you feel these thoughts strongly, you need to go to an emergency room, immediately. Let me know you will do these things to care for yourself and I can also help you find a local therapist.
I know how raw and painful things feel and I can hear your depression. Your feelings of longing loss and love that you experienced within your own family have been played out here with this man. Intellectually you can see that the fit was off between you, but the physical intimacy provided you with all the lost feelings from earlier on. This is what you have craved your whole life and you had that piece with him and now it is gone and all of the old, unresolved feelings get kicked up again. This is why supportive therapy for you will be so helpful for you to look at all of this and let healing begin. It is a process and it takes time, but you must want that for yourself. Giving up on you and your life is not the answer. I need you to let me know that if these thoughts persist, you will get urgent care for yourself. I can support you from here, but that can only go so far. You can do this and get back to your life and find you again.
I am so glad to know you are with a therapist...and yes, I do understand the depth of your pain and sadness. I truly understand it and understand all that gets evoked for you around this loss...it is reminiscent of earlier feelings and feelings you have been managing your whole life. And now with this loss, you are confronted with them once again. Keep plugging away at the work when your therapist returns and with that support then feelings may get easier and able to function as your whole self again.
I wish I had magic answers...my best magic is my support. Plugging away at the work means as you work with your therapist, that you continue to dig deep and work through all these painful feelings that are deep and pre-date your relationship with him. As you heal then the possibilities do exist for you to find another, more compatible in all areas, man.
And I know you believe that finding a man will make it all great for you, but I think you need to heal within first...before you can get back out there to find love. I understand how you feel it will fill that void, but most likely only temporarily. My hopes would be that you mourn this, heal the deep wounds, find yourself and then if you desire put yourself back out there.
All those answers you seek come from you fully believing the needs can only be met from the outside. Your work is to slowly, over time, learn that it can and must come from within.
Enjoy a good nights sleep.