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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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 I could really use some advice. My girlfriend or ex

Customer Question

I could really use some advice. My girlfriend or ex girlfriend (I don't really even know) have been together for 3 years. In that time as you know if you remember (its okay if you don't, you talk to a lot of people and it has been some time) but her and I have had our ups and downs. The one thing that has stayed consistent is our strong emotional vibe, chemistry and feelings of the like. A year and a half into the relationship she cheated on me drunkenly in California with her best friends guy friend. I handled it poorly and didn't confront her, but instead went through phone to verify and then I contacted all of her "friends" mainly guys and family and showed them what she had done. This caused her to get very upset and emotional.We ended and didn't talk for a few weeks but then stayed in contact via the phone and texting.Then a month later we met up. We truly loved each other. So a month later we got back together. It took 3 months for her to actually consider us official... That was very frustrating.. eventually she and I became boyfriend and girlfriend. However she never told her father that we were back together as she is afraid of him. Her parents divorced when she was two and her father if you remember is a terrible guy and just cares and thinks that money can be the cure all.. He is very wealthy and never has time for his daughter only paying for her bills and her college education when she was in school. She just wants his time and love but always gets let down because she has these high expectations. So we have been together for the past year and a half now since breaking up. In that time we have grown a lot, We both have met and spend time with each others family, we do things and we pretty much spend every day and night together. WE both have made mistakes and done things that have upset each other. there is so so so much passion between us and for each other. On my birthday in June she tried to end things, but I didn't let her. She knew that we would get back together, but I didn't know that and so i tried to force her to stay. This only made it look like I didn't respect her or her wishes and made her subconsciously resent me. Things got worse the next few months.. I was needy and i questioned her still... So in the next writings, I am not justifying her behavior or parts in this. As cheating and lying is so wrong on her part. I am just stating what I feel are my flaws and what i did that contributed to her actions. Well as you know, Julia has been wanting to meet up with me for a while now to talk. I have been purposely postponing meeting up with her as I figured she was wanting to attempt to try and end things officially in person. The weird aspect about that is that normally when one ends things, it isn't a planned event and there is not the great amount of communication that we have had in setting it up.. however, long story short we met up on Friday around 9pm after my work event as she texted her open threat once again that if we didn't meet up that night we wouldn't at all. (she has said that several times without following through.) So for some reason i was like okay, I am just going to meet up with her. So I tell her that id like to meet at my house or go to a Starbucks or something to talk. Shes like I just really want to talk and thought maybe we could just talk inside your car. (let me tell you it was torture in that hotbox for 4 hours straight.) So she got inside my car and immediately I felt everything. The closeness and how much i loved her AKA the feelings I don't feel around anyone else. So she got in and then I parked outside her house. She began with "I don't have that much to say." So then i just started talking telling her how much i truly care about her and love her and then she went on to say how I put her down all the time and throw her insecurities in her face ex: (Her father and so i would say you sleep around and don't love yourself because you have extreme issue with your father.) We drifted on like fifty subjects. So then what happens is we continue to talk. She expresses how I never listen to her and i always have something to say after she says something. She was very genuine and honest with how she felt. I for the first time began to see my major part in all of this. I didn't listen to her previous signs of what she wanted. She didn't cheat on me until after she tried ending things is June and I wouldn't let her. If I would have just let her have her space in June we probably wouldn't be here now. So we continued to talk. Both of us getting emotional, her more so then me. We also talked about how great talking in person was and how we should have done that much much more.. We always

always just argued or discussed things via text.. that is what really ruined a lot of our communication and led to the destruction of our relation. We just never communicate din person about issues. Always texting and always misinterpreting things and making things worse then they really were or would have been if we would have just communicate din person. So we continued to talk. It began to get late too. It got later and later. At 1am she said that she really needed to get to bed as she had to be up early in the morning for work. She told me how she couldn't be on this roller coaster anymore and that we get so mean to each other. That she just has so much negativity built up inside of her and that she has so much towards me. That she hates that feeling and that it literally consumes her. She said that she has invested so much in this and that she literally has to force herself to hangout with people or else she will just stay in bed all day. She said how difficult this is for her but that at the present moment this is how she feels and what her gut is telling her to do. She said that she loves me so much. She that that she cant talk to me or see me right now as she needs to get over me and all of the negative feelings associated inside of her and towards me. I said so am I supposed to block you? She said "no, I don't want that." So we are still friends on Facebook and social media however, she said DO NOT LIKE ANY OF MY POSTS." I said "why'? and she said because it will just be a reminder of you and what you are up to. She said please don't send me any pics either.

So then at the very end, she said this is what we will do, "we will just take it day by day." I said "what does that mean?" she said "well we've been saying it for a very longtime so I think we know what it means."

The she said as she began to cry like crazy, "please don't drive anywhere and just go straight home, will you promise me that"? She didn't want me driving late at night. So then i said I needed to take a drive. She then said, "please text me when you get home safe." We then hugged for a long time and then hugged some more and then kissed and then hugged some more.

So I texted her when I got home "I'm home safe. Sleep well. I love you." 

The next day was Saturday and she responded in the morning with " I love you too."

So I didn't and haven't responded to that text yet. 

From reading all of this and understanding some background and seeing how things were left, what do you take from this and or how do you interpret all of this and the final responses and actions?

Do you believe and or think that she is still interested and loves me and will change her mind and or contact me if I don't respond and or reach out to her unless she contacts me again? Do you think she will reach out and call or text me if i don't reach out? Within like a week or two? Do you think that my best chances of reconciliation are not reaching out? or will this just solidify that things are over? Should i text her like in a few days and say "Hey i hope that you are having a nice day. I am here for you" Or what?

I have realized in dating all of these other girls that i don't want any of them. I want her and only her. i see where the mistakes were made on my part and i will highlight those below.

I am literally in love and whipped by her whether for the better or worse. I want to get her back and have the best chance of that. I have chosen to not act out and not take the dog at the present moment in time. If i did that, the door would be forever closed. I don't want that. I believe if I become a better person through growing and in talking to you and work out a plan of recovery and getting her back in a healthy manner, then that will be best and be the best chance I have.

I have friends who tell me to not contact her and just wait and then i have friends that say contact her in three days but just be friendly and focus on her. Don't bring up anything to upset her or hurt her. Just be her friend and care about her and she will come back.

It may take some time, but you will have what you want.

The last time around, that is what i did. i just talked with her briefly and then eventually we met up and then slowly but surely we came back together.

I'm just worried even though she said that she is not looking to get with anyone else that she may meet someone else and or lose feelings. Granted I don't know that but still.

What do you think after reading this huge long novel of an email lol ?

These are what I need to work on doing and what i did wrong:

1. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love.

2. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

3. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

4. NEVER BLAME your wife If you get frustrated or angry, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

5. Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

6. GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.)

7. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

8. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

9. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

I would use her insecurities against her which made her feel unsafe and like she couldn't open up or be venerable with me.

She didn't feel like I listened to how she truly felt and that is was always about me and what I wanted.

Texting. texting. texting... We texted and had almost all discussion that were important via text..

I would question her and say that she likes to just sleep around..

I wasn't being loving in my ways via text. in person i would be.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for requesting me and your questions.

I understand how frustrating this can be. It does seem like she loves you, but she thinks the relationship is not healthy for her. However, at the same time she is not too sure and this is why she wants to take it day by day. There is no telling whether or not she will meet someone else or what will happen. Anything is possibly unfortunately. I do think it was very helpful that you both had this conversation. It seems like you learned a lot from this. I agree with all the things you have learned and believe you have very good insight. About the past and forgiveness it is also important to learn from mistakes in the past in order to not repeat the same mistakes. It is good that you know these points now and are being held accountable because there are many people who would stay in denial and therefore can not change. You are a step ahead in this. Now you need to go from here and actually take these and put them into action. This is a hard tasks and takes practice and work before becoming natural. It is about breaking bad habits and learning new ways. This can take some time. Knowing even though very important is not the same as doing and being, so that is something you can work on becoming. Each and every day we learn and grow. The Wiseman uses what he learns. I believe you are wise and will do this. Regardless of what she does take these points to grow as an individual to be better for yourself. Therefore, if she does come back you will be in a better position and if she doesn't you will be that much better for yourself and someone else in the future.

Getting back to what to do I think. I believe it would be best to give her space because you do not want to disrespect her wishes especially since she feels as such already. On the other hand she did give you a mixed message because she did say to take it day by day, but she also said that she wanted to try and get over you, so that leaves you confused. I think your safest option would be to write her a deep letter thanking her for communicating with you and letting her know all that you have learned and all that you are going to work on as you wrote above. Then let her know that you are a bit confused on how to proceed. Explain how you want to give her space as she wanted, but also would like the chance in the future to prove you can be different and want to change. Also, express that you will not contact her not because you do not want to, but rather due to her request. Let her know that you are allowing her space, but are there for her and are in hopes of having the chance to prove different.

From there I would see what she does or says. Then give her some time and go from there. You want to give her space, but there is that chance she can find someone else, but if you hound her then she may resent you more. You are in a tough spot. I would suggest you be true to yourself as to what you can handle and how much time you want to wait around because your emotional health is inportant. You may only want to be in this limbo for a month and if you see no progress then start moving on. These decisions would need to be made within yourself based on how long you want to drag this on, what you can handle, and whether or not you see any progression on her part.

I hope it all works out and I wish you the very best.

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