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Martin
Martin, Engineer
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4803
Experience:  i'm 41 and i never stopped studying and experimenting
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Why did he end things so suddenly and out of nowhere when

Customer Question

Why did he end things so suddenly and out of nowhere when things were going well?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why did he end things so suddenly and out of nowhere when things were going well?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I started seeing a man who was 42 yrs. old never married, no kids almost 3 months ago. I am 28 and have 5 yr old child. In the beginning things were wonderful. We went on dates and had a lot of fun. We both went into this with hopes of wanting a serious relationship or so i thought. My boyfriend was very introverted, to the point in which communicating with him was difficult. We only saw each other once a week due to schedule so throughout the week I'd expect a text or a phone call from him. He would text me, but as he claimed he preferred face to face to contact, but was not making the attempts to meet more often.He introduced me to several of his married friends as well as his sister and we'd do group dates which was nice. He would include me in his future when talking about trips etc. and it was really nice. All of this seemed wonderful however I still felt a disconnect almost like he could not give me his full self. There was even an instance when while watching tv together and someone got engaged he turned and looked at me to gauge my reaction. He asked me about the type of jewelry I liked and also told me how he wanted a permanent relationship. His friends even toldd me how he has not brought another woman around in years and that he must think a lot of me. They also pointed out how his behavior had changed.Now fast foward, after him and I had a talk Tues. he told me he needed a break. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no, but stated that he just was not used to planning everything around me, since it had been years since he had a relationship. He told me that he would text me with what he wanted to do and if I did not hear from him it was safe to say I should move on. Well I did get a text from him and basically he said how he could not give me everything i need and how we should stop seeing each other. I was hurt but took his answer. My question is how and why could all of this had happened?He was the one mentioning meeting my son and planning the future and now he cannot give me what I need. I feel like a complete idiot now, almost like I misread signs. Can I get some advice please. Thanks!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.

Hi. Being alone for so much time allow someone to get into very niche hobby and time consuming routine. It may be that he tossed it away for a while to make room for you or squeezed some of his normal activity to a minimum hopping he could fit all in his schedule but it did not worked.

The only way you could really know is to ask him for a proper post mortem of what was the problem so you can effectively move on. It surely is a problem from his side and not yours. At that age men start to reconsider a lot of things (project and dream) and plan the rest of their life accordingly. Perhaps he love you enough to know you will not be happy with him if he can't reach a certain monetary comfort level or that he will not always to invest enought time with you. He may also lack time alone with himself (often the case with introvert as they usually do fine hermit).

If he really is done with you, he should have no fear or reason to not tell you the truth.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Martin, I'd like to get another opinion. Could please opt out?
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.

Hello,

"Almost" three months of dating once a week isn't much to think about building a permanent relationship on, especially for a 42-year-old man who has never been married. That's only about a dozen dates. It sounds like he just tested the waters and decided he wasn't ready for a permanent relationship at this point in his life. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. However, it sounds like he has made up his mind after giving it a fair trial. I would take his advice and move on. It's a shame that things didn't work out.

I'm so sorry about that.

Best regards,

Schuyler

~

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I agree with you but you see he was the one initiatiing this. For example, he would plan trips well into the future and I'd have to tell him we should wait to see how things go. I was very confused bc he was telling me all of these things and when he had me meet his friends and from what they said I kinda saw myself in a different light. Just this Sun. he said that we were in a fairly serious relationship, so that's why I am confused.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
At first he said he wanted a break and today is when I got the text saying we should no longer see each other. He told me earlier this week, how he is not used to planning things every weekend and at the same time being with his friends as well.
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.

I don't blame you for being confused. For some reason he changed his mind. Without his input there is no way to know why. Perhaps the idea of something permanent scared him off. I hope he will tell you something to help you understand what happened. Most people do manage to have both friends and intimate relationships as well. Perhaps he just hasn't figured out how to do that. Such a shame.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I would also like to opt out. I would like someone who is a counselor or expert in relationships, not someone in engineering or a another unrelated category.
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.

As requested I have opted out although as a nurse practitioner I counsel people every day. I'm sorry I'm not telling you what you want to hear. The question is open to any expert.

Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.

You say he mentioned he find hard to plan every weekend and have time to still see his friend. That is exactly what i was mentioning that someone used to be single around that age struggle with: not enough free time slot in his routine (and that routine can get pretty fat with years).

You can still win him but you will have to let him a lot of freedom and not plan much early on. If you can sell that to him that you would still be happy that way, over time he will slowly remove older routines progressivelly (like someone that slowly quit smoking).

About why he was planning in advance trip and such, it may have to do with him already doing trip in his routine and being with you at that time is not harder to schedule. You may also look around him if he is surrounded by personal project that take a lot of dedication to bring to fruitition as many man "talk" of project but they stay embryonary projects forever (not that they don't want to do them, they can't find the motivation or the time).

If thing don't work out with you, i suspect he will simply go back to being single.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He has already said that we should not see each other anymore, so I dont think I can win him
Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.

If you really still want him, do the counteroffer i mentioned. Do that offer "before" asking him the systematic reason why in his opinion the relationship failed (so that he will not think you said it because it was the reason he just mentioned, but that it was tought out in advance). If you don't make any offer, you lose him for good, if you don't ask him why it did not worked, you will never really know for sure. As he is introverted, you may have to offer him conversation paths that can allow him to open. Do not do that by texting, you need eye to ey contact. Take the whole thing with humor to not stress him because if he is tense he will be even more introverted at that moment. Just talk about how you are curious and like truth (that it hurt or not), that knowing this will help you in your future relation, anything that will give him a just reason to open up. If it is indeed a rountine problem, it also mean that is is an ego problem and that is not always easy to admid (so try to empathize with him that you are also a "little bit" like that so that he don't feel alone in this).

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