First, please accept my sympathies again. What is happening in the big picture does concern me is the big picture. I would like to talk to you together. Can we schedule that? I teach Mon/Wed. evening and am not home until 8:30/9 p.m. those nights. But tonight, Tues., and Thur. I am free. Do any of those work?
I am not sure it is the best time to be planning your wedding given some of these big issues. That is why I would like to talk to both of you.
Second, I don't want to judge him, and I don't know his thought processes. But the grief could be impeding his ability to make sound decisions. He should have invited you--it really was not your place like you said considering you have to plan for your daughter and make those kinds of arrangements. But his normal logical and reasoning abilities could be "off" because many people go through this when grief takes over. Their emotions and not logic or even routines are guiding them. And you know what happens when our emotions guide us.
When he is at a later stage in the grief, past sadness and past anger, we should talk about the two of you being able to discuss and think in terms of BOTH of you and not just like you said, in a "Single minded" way. In marriage, as you know, it is about BOTH of you plus your daughter. And so I truly recommend working on getting to that point before getting married. And this goes back to the whole your ex renting the house, etc.
Do you want me to get you some of those research study references? I have some that I promised. Or do you just want me to share the "objective" findings for couples with similar conflict issues? If you can let me know, I will get back to you later today. And please think about a good time for us to Skype. :)