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VA-NP
VA-NP, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16208
Experience:  Nurse Practitioner
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How can I reconcile with my wife after she's filed

Customer Question

How can I reconcile with my wife after she's filed for divorce
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.

Hello,

What has been her reaction to your entreaties?

Is she receptive to marriage counseling? Are you? If you both are, then seeing a licensed marriage counselor would be your best plan for attempting to repair your marriage. It can take a lot of work on both sides, but it offers the best hope of reconciliation.

Please let me know if you have further questions.

Best regards,

Schuyler

~

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Unfortunately she has said it's too late. I'm devastated and the look on my 3 daughters faces when I put them in bed at my rented flat breaks my heart.
I had asked her before I moved out as I had agreed to the trial separation which she had asked for as I could eventually see that she really did need some time and space, if she wanted a divorce, 3 times I asked and 3 times she said definitely not she just need time out. We had a separation in April where I slept in the spare room for a month then we went to Cyprus for our 15th anniversary and she handed me my wedding ring and said she needed a fresh start, she then gave me an anniversary cad which said she wanted the next 15 years and beyond to be the most memorable ever, i had given her a card with the exact same message on it. 2 weeks later she booked a holiday for just the 2 of us for her 40th birthday in December, 2 weeks later she then said she wasn't happy, she didn't know what she wanted but she didn't want this and she wanted time out. It's when I questioned her integrity regards ***** ***** with one of our children's daughters classmates father which i only found out about after April that she said i'll never change and filed for divorce. I had had a drink and was aggressive when i shouted at her, i know it was wrong. Up to me moving out we were still having a laugh about general things but I was also pleading her to reconsider and she did say to stop as I was pushing her further away. She's a wonderful woman, a great mother and no not perfect but perfect for me. We have such good times together when things are going well but she seems to be focussing on even minor disagreements we had in the past. I can see now where I was going wrong i.e. being defensive when she was trying to tell me her feelings over the last 2 years, I've also had a short temper but I recognise this and have been and will continue to work on this as it's something I don't like about myself. I went through a breakdown and she bore the brunt of it but this was not the real me, the man she married. Although our marriage has never ben perfect, it was ours and therefore special, i truly believe the break alone would have done us both good, it's what she originally wanted and i honestly believe she was asking for this as a last attempt to save our relationship and keep our family together, the time apart has certainly opened my eyes and made me want to be the best husband she could ever have. She has said that 90% of the time i am the perfect husband but the other 10% is horrible, she won't consider counselling, she is now going out with friends every weekend that she hasn't seen in ages, i know this is good for her as i don't want her to be upset and the times out are a release however all of these new/old friends are divorced, every one of their husbands cheated on them so i assume the worst when i imagine what advice they are giving her. I'd have never cheated on her and i 100% believe she would not have cheated on me either. is there anything else I can do?
She wants a clean break and has made me an offer, I was considering saying i'll sign it if she'll go to counselling with me but I really don't want to appear to be controlling her or forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do or any of these things, She sees me as controlling and manipulative as when she asked for time out before i pleaded i'd change and she gave us a chance, i didn't realise the full extent of what changes were required at that point. I would love for her to come back to me of her own free will for no reason other than she can see the good man I am and that the bad points of my personality really have been put to bed.
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.

If she is unwilling to go to counseling in a last attempt to save the marriage, I doubt there is anything you can do or say to her that would change her mind. If you maintain a steady, pleasant demeanor through the next few months and into the future, she may change her mind. However, right now it appears she wants her freedom.

Sometimes people do marry for the second time after realizing their first partner was ideal for them after all. I'm sure you are broken-hearted over all of this. Having a marriage break up is one of the saddest things a couple can go through. I'm so sorry you are going through this,

All the best,

Schuyler

~

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your time and it's good to have an objective viewpoint. All the best
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.

The same to you.

Warm regards,

Schuyler

~

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