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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My wife had an affair and she just told me last week. I was

Customer Question

My wife had an affair and she just told me last week. I was very upset. We spent the last week talking about why it happened. I am still upset but I was ready to work on our marriage as she said she was. She was so upset when she told me and very sorry. She kept telling me that she wants to be with me the rest of our lives. Now today she told me that she wanted her space and thought we should separate. By separate, I sleep in a different part of the house. I am so upset again. Not sure why her feelings suddenly changed.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I am so sorry this happened and I would like to help. How long have you been together and how was your marriage prior? The person she had an affair with was she interested in him long term?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We have been together for 7 years. This is both our second marriages. She told me that I wasn't giving her what she needs as afar as attention and being excited around her and telling her that she is beautiful. She strayed to someone else that was showing her attention. The affair is over though. She told me last week that I have changed in the last month. She wanted to be with me. Despite the sadness of her having an affair, we seemed very close all last week until yesterday. She told me that now she is not sure about her feelings and could have mistaken all stuff last for different feelings. I thought we were moving past everything, even talked about our future. Yesterday she left to go to the gym to workout. Within a few minutes after she left, she sent me a text saying about how her feelings may be different now. That broke my heart again. She said that she wants to separate. By separate, she wanted me to start sleeping in another part of the house. I did that last night. It was very hard. I can't sleep. I can't hardly eat. I love her so much but I don't want to push her away by suffocating her. I am lost. She is my best friend. I don't have any other friends that I can share this with.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand how this can not be easy at all. She is surely giving you mixed messages and that is unfair to you. It seems as if she wants more attention from you and she may believe that things being different will be only temporary. I would try to express to her how you want to change for the better and give her more attention. Ask her if she truly wants to work at it. She needs to be willing to work at it and have motivation that things can be different. You may want to write her a letter as well as give her some space then see where that goes in a few days. It seems that she has many mixed emotions and she may not even be aware of her own feelings. Sometimes people do not realize or appreciate what they have until it is gone. Therefore, even though she is saying she does not want you when the reality hits her feelings may very well change. I would give this a little time for it to all play out. You both have been together a long time to just end it as such. Stay positive and take it day by day. In the meantime try to focus on making yourself happy and keeping busy. You can also dwell on how you can give her more attention and make her feel beautiful. Thinking about these changes can help prepare you for when she does come back. All the best to you!

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