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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 362
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I have always (since puberty) had consentual fantasies

Customer Question

I have always (since puberty) had consentual sexual fantasies involving my mother. Now I am 27 and she is in her late 50's, I still find the idea of sex with her highly arousing. I wonder often if it is right or wrong to be honest with her about my feelings - the only way to know if she might feel the same.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. I want to help you. I think this kind of question might be best addressed through phone or at the very least, Skype, not via typing (email/chat). I'll send you my information through the JUST ANSWER form and then you can decide if you want to do that kind of counseling.

For now, I have a few questions for you that I really would need the answer first in order to better provide you with more specific advice. When you say, "Consentual" sexual fantasies, do you mean that she knew you were having these and also had them, too? Did you act upon these fantasies?

Answering these questions for me will better help me be able to help you. I hope to hear back from you soon!

Take good care,

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your offer, when I have the opportunity I may take that up.
To clarify, my fantasies were/are of consentual sex. I've never disclosed my desires to her directly, although she once found some pornography that basically gave me away. We've never spoken about it. I've never acted on my fantasies.
She used to come and visit on various occasions for no particular reason other than to stay the night. She also asks about my sex life sometimes, and used to make references to my ex-girlfriend being almost her age. I don't know if she's trying to signal that she's open to talking about my desires or not.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi Again,

Thank you so much for writing me back. I wasn't able to be online yesterday, so I am going to try to provide an answer to your responses right now.

As you know, I'm sure, from the beginning of time, literature has always included "taboo" references, such as the "Oedipus Complex in Hamlet" where sons grew up to be jealous of their fathers and fall in love with their mothers. Socially, however, this was not really ever acceptable. In fact, there are laws on the books in every state to protect children (minor children) from sexual abuse from parents, other family members, and friends of family. So just keeping that in mind, I know you know what you are asking about is not only taboo but considered "wrong" by many people in society, including those in law enforcement.

Now, enough said, you both are consenting adults. And while I won't impose my value system, I do want to caution you against the can of worms you undoubtedly will be opening should you decide to tell your mother about your desires. You indicated that she had found porn, but I am still not seeing the connection to her?

Now, your other statement, "I still find the idea of sex with her highly arousing." Is it because doing so is so taboo in society? Or is it that you find her body so beautiful and sexual that you want that physical pleasure? Here is the crux, I think. When people are very sexually attracted to one another but do not want the emotional connection of a romantic relationship, then the people usually engage in a one-night stand or at least a very short, physical-only affair. Then the physical novelty wears off and each person moves on.

The problem in your case is that you really cannot "move on" once you have a sexual relationship. This sexual relationship will always be there in the future, whether you get married and have children and she comes to see the grand children or not. How would you explain this to future girlfriends? Would you? Would you try to hide it? If you would try to hide it, then why? Are you ashamed?

I would like to talk more about this with you. At this point, hopefully I have given you some things to think about. Again, please understand I never ever judge customers/clients. I just try to better understand, think with research in mind and also compassion, and give the best recommendations possible. So let me know your thoughts and if you can accept my responses so far. If not, I can either opt out and let another expert help you or I can try another pathway. :)


--Dr. Jackie