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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I slept with my room mates sister and it was just sex. We

Customer Question

I slept with my room mates sister and it was just sex. We all have the same friend group but she just got out of a horrible 9 year marriage, he was a drug addict, and I just got out of a bad relationship myself. Because we both shared the same friends her we kept it a secret. Once everyone found out she didn't seem as interested. Then we love me but I told her I didn't love her. She started dating someone else and then I had feelings for her. Her current boyfriend was just a fling and her and got back together. We dated for a few months and she said she just didn't love me. We broke up and everything was ok with our friend group but I was still heart broken but was getting over it. I confined on my best friend how I felt and he helped me move on. Then my best friend and my ex started spending time together. I asked him several times not to sleep with her but he did. I just happened to see them at a bowling ally kissing. I found out they have been dating for 3 weeks. My best friend and I have been friends for 11 years but how he manipulated me and lied to me I just can't be his friend anymore. All our friends told me before he liked her but I didn't think so because he told me he didn't so many times. Now everyone in our group is mad at her and they hate my ex best friend. We do new years together, Halloween, company parties and my roommates parents own awesome property on a lake and several other places. I'm over her but can't forgive my friend for lieing to me and then betraying me. I just want the friend group back and don't know what to do. She also lost her brothers friendship who is her best friend because I found out my best friend texted sexually messages to my roommates girlfriend. So her brother is furious at her. She says she is happy but I think she is just in it for the excitement.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I am sorry about what happened. Is your ex best friend and this lady still together? Are you wanting to be friends with him again along with the group? Is the group against it?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
they are and she says they are very happy but i really think she just likes the thrill. I went to the gym and saw them holding hands yesterday, i just gave them a dirty look as we past each other. I just found out about 5 days ago about them dating. The group does not want me to be his friend and i agree with them, they probaby dislIke him more than i do. He has been selfish in the past before but this takes the cake!!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Honestly saying it is just the thrill she likes is me being emotional. I do not know that for certain but she the in the moment kind of person with no thought of consequences. Thank you Jen.My name is Chris
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Hi Chris (that's my middles son's name)

I understand why you would want the group friendship back. It's difficult when things aren't the same and that void is left behind. However, sometimes it is best for things to be different than have a falsè friendship. Think of it this way even though it hurts that the group is different now at least you now see who your true friends are. That is much more important than just having a group to have fun with. The group is upset with him because of what he did and they seem to be your true friends. It is better you found this out sooner than later. However, I would not advise you to walk around angry or with hate since that only will hurt you in the long run. Try to forgive and make peace, so that you can move on. This does not mean you should be friends with him. Even though we are no longer angry it is best to remove negativity from our lives in order to continue our happiness.

I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You are absolutely right. That is the path I want to walk and the person I want to be. I have told them both I forgive them and I mean that even though it hurts. Could I just ask you one more question? She can't bring my ex best friend, her boyfriend, around because everyone is upset with him. My friends do not hold anything back and will speak their minds even her brother my room mate can get very vocal. They plan on being mean to him because they just do not like him and he is not my friend anymore, they were holding back for me. We used to get together every Sunday to watch game of thrones or other movies but now it is just her and him. We all did so much together now we don't. She also has 2 kids and can't drive because she is technically blind (any kind of bright light blinds her) so she can't drive so she really can't make new friends easily.
Do you think with this pressure they were break up? He is not a good person and I should have ended our friendship years ago
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

It seems as though you are aware and have been of the type of person he is, so you did not loose anything. As for if they will break up no one knows, but if he is not a good person then he may not be able to handle her issues. Only time will tell.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your help. It is difficult because I still have so much anger inside directed towards him but I guess only forgiveness and time will heal that. That is the hardest part.Appreciate your time Jen and thank you again.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

It is my pleasure to help. And you are exactly right time and forgiveness will help. Your feelings are a normal reaction. Try to focus that energy into positive for your life. All the best to you and feel free to request me anytime!

Jen

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