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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I'm going though an ongoing diffcult time with my girl

Customer Question

I'm going though an ongoing diffcult time with my girl friend. She has been saying she us leaving me for a long time because she says I'm crazy. A big part of the real issue is that her parents who came her from Vietnam 1.5 yrs ago keep telling her she has to leave me because they tell her too. She is 31 yrs old. I am 6 yrs older then her. They control her life and her father is pressuring he'd to leave me daily. I gave helped them find a place to live and even had them live with me for free the first 6 months. They do not care of anything I have done for them or their daughter they say that she has to listen to them or they will die. They have put her in a position to choose me or them.
A side issue is that since I have known my gf she has had an anger issue where she flips out over small things and blows them up where she says nasty things and threatens me and has even hit me. She talks and screams,for hours making me feel like shit and breaking me down. I try to get her to calm down and stop but she doesnt. I'm calm but after 30-45 mins and start begging her to stop. I hold her and plead and doesn't stop. She says nasty things about me, my family, my ex gf to push my buttons. I rub her and this goes on for hours. I start yelling stop. She starts threating police on me and I'm not touching her. Only trying to calm her down.she is screaming at the top of her lungs and will not lower her voice for hours. I beg her and try to cover her mouth or hold her tightly and ask her to stop. She says I'm hitting her and I'm not. These blow up ate fequent. I'm always on egg shells. I'm always afraid of her. She says I'm bi polar and have mental illness but admits nothing on her side and says she leaving me. Her patents,add to it by says she does nothing wrong and it's me, to leave me. They stress her out to leave me and she blows up every few days flipping out over small nothing things. This time it was over a late fee on my storage until as I have paid bills late in the past. My bills , not hers.
It's always something to flip out and scream. She wants me to sit there and not saying anything and take the beating. She says I'm fighting back. Sometimes I can't take it. I live her, but living without someone with this type of disorder that they refuse to reconize is too hard. She says I'm disrespectful to her family. I'm just telling her asian father not to put his hand in all our conversations. To leave us alone. He is pushing her to leave me. And he will not ever leave us aline for adults to gave their own conversation or relationship. I have this ongoing issue with her but her parents are making it 10 times worse. How to get her to not flip out on me over small stuff. Want us to get therapy but she says she doesn't need it. It's for me as I'm nuts and wants to fight. Please help me, tell me how to help her and our situation. She says she's done with me and is going out and not telling me where she us going at night. When we are not fight she tells me she loves me but when she's flipping out she hates me and she does not love me. It's very painful and I'm sad that u cannot solve this for us.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I am very sorry you are having this issue with your girlfriend, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. May I ask, in addition to the anger out bursts and attachment to her parents, would you describe your relationship as a roller coaster where she really loves you and then the next second she hates you? Also does your partner suffer from depressive mans anxiety symptoms? Lastly does your partner have s history of being impulsive and reckless?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She says that she lives me when I do not respond to her being crazy and times has past. We get close and,start to feel emotions Again. She bops me on the head as to say she remembers what I've done. She tells me I'm like a bad kid. She says I'm unacceptable and,she is not living this life anymore. She then goes on to hug me and give me love and kisses me. She tell me I have to stop. I just agree. But it last only a week or two sometimes less when we are away from her parents because they cannot be on top of her everyday. They keep calling her but she can ignore it at times. We came back from being away in another city for work for good. We have been coming back once a week, but now the summer is over. Since back her parents are on top of us daily pushing her and the flipping out start right away over small things. She had me give up my apartment when I went with her 1 hr away to stay for the summer. We came back to her patents and day one her father told her he does not want me there. No warning. I have no place to live. I helped them get that place they were going to have no place to live without me helping them but now he says get out.My gf does say she is depressed at time and hates her life. She said I'm supposed to make it better not worse so it's time to go. She says she lives me, but then fights and says she hates me and deny loving me or saying it.
Her parents are pushing her to see other men, so even during the good time I catch her going on Internet dating sites even though she says it's just to bullshit. She says I do not have control over her. Honnestly I think that she radome sleeps with guus she talks to on the internet. She even told me she has sex with other men all the time to relieve her stress when she was very angry. I cried and latter she said that she lied because she wanted me ylto get upset and leave her. She latter it was not true. I do not understand her, and her parents. I have allot of patients and it's been 3 yrs but it's very painful for me right now.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately a lot of the behaviors you are describing are akin to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This disorder is tied to their identity and explain the anger, mood swings, attachment and abandonment issues with her parents, the manipulative behavior (saying she is lying about sleeping with other guys), and the impulsive and reckless behavior. This would probably explain why you are having issues with the relationship and why she does not take responsibility of her own actions as she believes everyone else is the problem not her. The sad part of this is that you most likely will not be able to help her unless she voluntarily seeks treatment. You have to understand only she is responsible for her actions and behaviors, and oy she can choose to stop or seek treatment. Just like you are the only person in charge of how you behave, she is the only one in control of how she behaves. If she will not actively seek treatment, or recognize she has a problem, than most likely this situation will only worsen because you can only change how you behave, not how she behaves. The effort of treatment must come from her and her alone, and if this is not possible you may have to consider moving forward and separating from this relationship as you are her partner, not her therapist. I know this may not be what you want to hear but I encourage you to read more about BPD and its impact in relationships.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is it common in relationships with a women of BPD that she will flip out and blow up at you then use what you gave done to her to say she is mad that's why she seeks out other men? She said when she is angry that's what she will do, blaming me for what I have done to her for reason to go out and nit tell me where she us going and come home after 3 am for two jug hrs in a row. I have asked her to pleas nit chest in me. She says she's not, but she us out until after 3 am nights in a row as she is taking a week if so if work. I begged her not to see other guys or cheat on me as she blames my actions on her behavior and that she can do whatever she wants because I do not control her. Her father who will not leave us alone runs up to us as she us scream because i begged her to nit disappear and chest on me. He says to me "you are her friend" I said I'm not her friend after 3 yrs. he grabbed me and started pulling me and told me to get out. This is the abusive father she us fight with when I'm not around. When she disappears when she is not working and says she can do what she wants and makes me think she us nit coming home it appears at 3:30 am I know something is going on. But she claims that she does not gave to tell me anything anymore due to my actions. MYbe she gas decied that she is not with me anymore so it's not cheating to her. I don't know, I'm very confused and upset. Our latest blow up was about her feceiving a. Call from the storage place that's my bill saying there was a $20 late fee to come lay. She flipped out screaming at the top if her lungs as I begged her to slower ger bounce because her cather was home and she was going to make him come running and get involved when she is screaming. I opened the door so he can see what was happening because she likes to say I'm hitting her. I wanted him to see thst was not happening. If I Ho,d her to calm her down she says she is being abused. Who ever she us spending time with now, she is telling him that she's in a bad relationship where she is abused and I hit here. That is far from the truth. I try to get get to stop flipping out by hugging her and rubbing her back. When she starts screaming loud I okay with her to not scream and it's too much. I try to cover her mouth from the screaming and she starts hitting me and claims she us being hit.
All if this from being called about a late fee from my storage unit bill. My bill , not hers. She said she cannot be with someone who wastes money all the time on fees. This is how she excuses her behavior. She tells me it's all me. When we are done I will look back and see what a good catch she is and miss her and it will be my fault because of my behavior.What do I do with a person like this beside run like hell. Everything is good for a week or two , sometimes a day or two then rinse and repeat and it's always me. I feel like I'm the one going crazy. I'm sad but hurt and do not know how to make her stop.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Unfortunately unpredictable behavior, cheating, angry outbursts, and walking on egg shells is very common with someone who has BPD and there is a possibility she may have BPD. You cannot make it stop, only she can make it stop by seeking treatment for her issues. There is no cure for BPD, but it can be managed with the proper use of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and medications...although she must first recognize that she has a problem and she alone must voluntarily seek out treatment. If you continue in this relationship given how she is behaving than it will only drag you down and if she will not seek help than you need to decide when enough is enough.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I've been trying to read about the symptoms and signs of a BPD person in a relationship. From what I have read that there is a great component of rage that stems from the fear of abandonment. While she seems attached to her parents she lived in the usa without them for 7 yrs. While they threaten to leave and go back to Vietnam if she does not listen to them she is nor ranging and having outburst due to her thinking I will leave her.Instead she is getting super angry over every small thing she does not like or if she remembers something from the past she shows anger. The issue is that she blows up and flips out and starts screaming and saying nasty things and say I'm no good, a piece of shit, my mother says your a piece of shit that they say yo leave you. I'm horrible and she done with me. She is always leaving me over little things like a late fee on my bill. I cannot calm her down and she is screaming and showing no respect. Her parents will say it's all me and I cannot answer her back.
Her father said that she gets headaches and her head will not stop hurting for hours. She rages and screams for hours of she depend yourself or say no that's not true. Or ask her to calm down. It escalates very quickly and doesn't stop. She says she has had enough or me and is saying she is a abanding me.
So what do you make of this as it does not sem to be a typical BPD.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Individuals with BPD have anger issues for a variety of causes, not just abandonment. Her anger issues, while synonymous with BPD, do not have to be focused on abandonment or attachment. Also individuals with BPD tend to idolize and then devalue their partner in a cyclical fashion, which is why this tends to be a roller coaster of a relationship. And lastly like I told you before, I can only speculate that she may have BPD, but she needs to seek out a psychologist to confirm the disorder. There is no doubt though that she has some severe psychological issues and no matter what this is going to be an unhealthy relationship until she admits that and gets treatment.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating. Thank you

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating. Thank you

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The reason why I have not left a rating is because I believe giving me the answer that she may have BPD doesn't say anything. She might have x when is enough for you. Doesn't really help. She says she's leaving me and has of course convinced me that I need to see a psychologist to fix myself. I think I react bad to help flipping out and that I have my own issues that need help, so she can be right really about that because I can choose to fix myself. But, saying she might have an issue I can just accept it and allow her to leave me or I leave her foes not solve anything. There not anything really constructive as some rules or action to down play or change our actions with eachother. I have not really been told what can help me or this person or our relationship as I have explained. Honnestly who ever created this site was in it for the money and no real help. I found more information on BPD with BDPfamily.com then with you. I have realized something though. Whole I do not drink much at all or next to ever, not smoke, or do any drungs. I think I have a addiction to caffine and sports drinks and they have made me feel angry. When she flips out I cannot contain myself because my anxiety mush worse 100 fold when I have caffine. Then I cannot handle her outbursts.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Well I am sorry you feel this way, but you asked how I can "solve" your relationship issue and that is not really possible given that this is only a Q&A website. You have no control over her actions and behaviors, only she does, so I was telling you the fact that she needs to seek out psychological treatment to help her control her behaviors and symptoms. The fact that you were unaware of BPD before this shows that I actually did provide you with a starting point of information on the disorder, if she has it. Remember this website is not therapy, nor can a psychologist fix your relationship if one partner is not ready to admit their own issues and willingly seek help. I was trying to inform you that you are limited in what you can do for your partner if she is not willing to help herself. I know that is not what you wanted to hear, but I am ethically bound to give you the most accurate answer and assessment of your situation even if it is bad.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I knew about BDP before but not all the signs ate there do it confused me. I'm Def the caregiver and it's a Co dependent relationship. But she wants to do whatever she wants. This includes be on the internet to talk to and even meet other men. She does not keep many deep connected friendships or relationships. They never workout and she keeps contacts to offer and receive info for working. She uses the internet to make connections with new people which are always guys. Her outburst are uncontrolable she us always physically sick somehow and if I'm not care taking her parents are. She does not give a care for her actions weather it's cheating or hurting others that care of her. It seems more like narcissistic personal disorder as she thinks she's amazing and a go catch and she will go out there to see her nm options but disregard others feelings and expect to be taken care if and ignore what she us going or gas done. It's a cycle. I think we are fight because of her shanrfor her actions. She thinks I will leave her. I think this is what she wants so she will not gave to answer to poor behaviour.I have a personality that tries to fix things but cant. She cannot be taken care of and lived if she chooses to do whatever she wants without consequences..I can help myself but I do not think I can help her.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I know you want to fix things, and truthfully who does not want that, but with her, it sounds like you are slowly realizing that you cannot fix her as only she has control of her actions and only she can choose to seek out the proper treatment. Also with BPD, she only needs 5 out of 9 symptoms listed to qualify for the disorder...she does not need all of the symptoms. Here is a good link describing the full criteria and remember she only needs 5 out of 9:

http://behavenet.com/node/21651

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