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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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Need some help with writing what a woman would expect a man

Customer Question

Need some help with writing what a woman would expect a man to say when she asks him why he loves her. Please send 6 to 10 reasons with detailed responses of what a women would expect. They shouldn't be "logical" responses they should be true examples
(even if from personal experience) of what you would expect to hear that would melt your heart and let you know that the man has paid attention - soul bearing reasons / emotional. How he loves what you do when getting dressed or putting on your makeup or how
you do certain things with your hobbies etc etc.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

Thanks for your question and I would like to help. Some true examples of why you love someone is usually specific to that individual person because the reasons can vary depending on the people involved. Therefore, it is best for one to determine within what they truly love about another and state those reasons.

In anycase I will answer your question and give you some reasons that woman would like to hear.

I love when you make me laugh and you would give some specific examples.

I love you because you are my other half. Together we are a team. Throughout all that we have been through I love you more and more each day.

I love you for the good hearted person you are inside. People age and beauty fades, but what remains is ones personality. Besides your attractiveness I love your good hearted nature.

I love the way you complete me and make me whole. You are my other half and I would not know what to do without you.

I love your smile and (one should include a cute individual detail that they like about the way the woman carries herself or a facial expression)

I love you for the mother you are to our children. You are attentive to their needs and take good care of them.

I love you because you are you. I appreciate all that you do and you are important to me. Most importantly I love you for what you stand for and your personality.

I love that we share so many common interest and goals.

I love you because you have been by my side through the good times as well as the bad. You can not be replaced.

I love you because I am proud of all that you do and the person who are. Give examples of what she does.

I live you for the way you carry yourself whether it is cooking or putting on make up. Give examples of your favorite details of the things she does. Key is to be specific to what she and only she does rather than something general that everyone may do.

I hope this was helpful

Please let me know if I can be of further help.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I need more soul bearing things. With some examples. Please.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

This is not very easy without knowing or loving the person personally. I gave you many examples

Can you please be a little clearer in regards ***** ***** it is your are needing? Thanks

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Can you open this question up again for all please?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Sure, no problem!

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

It strikes me strange to get this question--as if you'll need to make your own appreciations and feelings fit into categories of personal characteristics or behavior that a particular woman wants to hear, instead of being authentic expressions of what strikes you as wonderful, breathtaking, spellbinding, calming or alluring about her. Do you have the expectation that she needs or seeks compliments from you to make her feel that she is important enough to you? or beautiful enough? Or do you think she wants you to recognize what SHE wants you to value about her, because she does or wants to value those aspects of herself? (A feminist way to express this -- which could be appropriate or not depending partly on her age and on the sector of society and family and peergroup expectations she has grown up with -- would be Does she want to be perceived and admired as a woman performing in woman's roles with&for you as a man, that is as a partner and complement ("other half") or "object of your affections"--or as a Subject or Director of her own path in life. As one chosen to be loved, or as one choosing to love you as her equal, even though you're different from each other. (A lot depends on whether you've been together long enough to outgrow the instinctive "soulmated-partners" phase of marriage, from several to 10 or so years, and whether she conceives of herself as a ship with her own captain on bord, or as a passenger-seat rider in your car on the road of life.) So I'll try a few ideas, even though I don't think you're expecting anything like the way I think about love relationships; for my wife grew up in the beginnings of feminism in colleges, and I was in grad school when it started, I helped launch the Men's consciousness development, and I've lived with her for over 30 years.

What about the feelings you have when you spend time alone with her?--and doing what? If you love her personality, what are the aspects that light you up? If you love her movements and her body, what are the parts that make you admiring and/or hot? What do you love about her mind and how she uses it? Which of her interests fascinate you and show you aspects of reality you never understood until she showed them to you?

If you are asking this question because you think you need to respond as she would want to aspects of herself and her lifestyle and goals that she has chosen to develop and value, what are those choices, values and directions in life?

If you want your words about love to express your soul, what are soul-bearing experiences for you? (Or do you prefer to guess what SHE thinks soul is and try to meet her there--which would be fine if you haven't thought much about soul for yourself.) Here are some "soul-bearing" moments in life, as I know them: Silence in Nature; breathing together in lovers' embrace; spiritual moments in music; aesthetic beauty in arts; poetic understanding (when a meaning stretches out to surround you and be all you need to know in an extended moment); when Time stops through beauty, loving, eye contact, or appreciation of the web of life and the unity of much more than yourself and those nearest to you; the immensity of mountains and valleys, and that immensity in the one you love.

(That means that soul-bearing words may be difficult to make shareable, but soulful experiencing can be learned together.)

And by the way, if you should happen to think WHAT you would want to say you love about the woman you love if you knew she could die (of a terminal disease) in a year or less, YOU MIGHT HAVE A VERY EASY TIME COMING UP WITH SEVERAL HOURS AT LEAST OF ADMIRING and unhesitating praises to say, beginning with her toes and including her thoughts and everything you can remember that you have loved doing together with or seeing her do.

But that might be too hard for both of you to bear. So it's just our fate as humans that no matter when the question you've posed comes up, anybody in the situation is going to have too much or too little to say.

When I first met my wife, she told me she had never been too sure that she was pretty enough; so I told her I was going to love spending the rest of my life convincing her how pretty she was to me. And believe me, there's never been a dull minute when I seize a chance to do that again. But I wouldn't have wanted to hang with her if her mind weren't fascinating and a great gift.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You've given me some great insight here… And I can't thank you enough. What if I put into my words what I'm thinking, and perhaps maybe you can help me wordsmith/articulate when I'm trying to say?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Yes I'll be glad to work on that. But it'll have to be tomorrow because I have to get my sleep for yoga early tomorrow morning.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You've given me some really great insight and for the record, she is a counselor as well. She's very in tune with life and I'm going to attach something she put together for what she's looking for some which include traits I already have.I love the how she's helped me to become a better man. I'm learning and growing from her and learning to become a better communicator and learning how to open myself up again at the deepest core. I have a hard time articulating what I want to say sometimes but she is the most patient woman I've ever met and she truly gives 150% into our relationship.She's so very creative and love how maticulous she is with her organization and the way she details out her chore list. I find it so refreshing that I've been able to find someone who is more organized than I am and thrives off routine as much as me.I love when I'm at her apartment which is 90% of the time, and I'm working from home and she comes in the door...when I see her, I mean...wow... the feelings of her being home, it just makes me melt. I long to hold her in my arms at the end of a long day, and just be there for her. And I say home often like it's a place but but what I really mean, is I feel like "home" is with her, with her as my partner. She makes me feel like home is with her, no matter where that is. I feel like I won the lottery with her. She's someone I wouldn't ever want to not give 150% in. I find that sometimes I feel scared that I could lose her any time. That someone else could be calling her baby. I feel safe and secure on my own but with her, I feel like I can accomplish anything and would want to prove to her always that she truly is a prize and I'll always do what I can to ensure she feels protected, safe, and loved.I love her little hobbies and her arts and crafts. She made me a home sweet home wreath to hang on my door for my birthday this past weekend. She did it because I told her that I feel like her home is my home and that her place is cozy and warm and my house is empty and big and that I feel suffocated there. She gave it to me and said that now maybe I'll feel better at home and more comfortable.I want to articulate to her some how that I've listened, truly listened, and growing in our relationship because of her examples. I've always been a kind and passionate man who would do everything and anything to others but I feel like sometimes I lost a part of myself that she's helped me to find myself again. Having lost my fiance in the war (I was in the military for almost 10 years), I wasn't sure I was able to love again until I found her. I've made a lot of mistakes but have grown from them. She was wasn't sure until just recently who the "real" me was because my responses and communication was somewhat service level vs. deep and soulful. She saw a different side of me over the past few days and finally said to me that she loved me. She wants to know why I love her and these some of the reasons. I don't want them to be logical reasons, I want them to be soul and deep and be able to articulate them as such. She's someone who is imaginative and very expressive and I want to be able to paint a picture for her with what I'm trying to convey.I love how she snores sometimes when she sleeps and though it wakes her up (and me sometimes), it's adorable.I love how she takes care of me with all of the little things she does that no one has ever done for me before and it makes me feel special. Like her little surgeries on my ingrown hairs and shaving the back of my neck. It's special.Recently we started taking walks together and have made it routine now. I told her that I've never had that before and that I wanted to make special memories share between the two of us. I find it really special and love how we just grab a drink, put it in our coffee cups, and head our for a walk.I used to love when she'd come over my house in the middle of the night on weekends after being at the bar with her girlfriends. She would crawl into bed with me and curl up. I would take care of her with putting out motrin, pepto bismal, water, etc. She doesn't do that anymore since I'm primarily at her apartment now most of the time.I love it when she takes me to the airport and picks me up from my business trips. Seeing her when I get off that plane...the world stops and all i can think about is grabbing her, pulling her into my arms and never letting her go. I'm a confident man who wants her to know that she's all I need and want and that she will never be second best.These are some examples of what I'm thinking and where I could use some help putting these into some soulful expression.
Attached is the document of what she's listed out as things she's looking for in a man. She's conservative in her beliefs and is looking for characteristics of a true gentlemen as her man. She's looking for me to be more in depth and bear my soul. I'm learning how to do that - my layers are coming off slow but sure.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

So you're about 35 and she is too? You've been together for less than a year? I have to go to doctor FOR my wife now, because she can't get out of bed today.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'm 38 and she's 27. She's very very smart and articulate.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
just less than a year.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I'm tutoring in accounting now (a 41yrold man from Ghana) tho accounting is not my subject. I have a perspective oyour worry that she might leave you--it's connected to the possibility that she knows you as a "project" or "rescued man" that she is "training in psychological maturity." In the short run (3 yrs) that might satisfy her; but in the longer run, she needs to respect your for strengths you bring to the partnership that she does not have. So if most of what you love about her relates to what she is teaching you & making you into "a better man," she may tire of that; and she's approaching 30, when she's likely to realize that it's time to make serious choices for her life path. So you need to think about how your qualities (work ethic, fatherhood, etc) will make HER life what she wants it to be. For now it makes sense to praise her for making you a better mang. But I gotta reread what you wrote and make more suggestions later.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Okay, I'm hoping to have your support with my request completed if possibly by tomorrow afternoon. I would greatly appreciate it very much and can't thank you enough for your assistance.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I started and promptly got shut off. So here goes again. Baring your soul might mean telling her the thoughts (which are all colored by feelings) that you have when you're away on a business trip. The images you have of your future together. baring your soul (for a woman) would probably meanwriting about your feelings--but everything you do and see and hear can be colored by your feelings about it. It sounds like your mother was not very warm towards you (my own mother was pretty silent, just the family servant and depressed). You have written already about how much you admire and learn from what she values, which shows up in her chosen profession. You admire her as a model for helping people that is similar to your own urge to give of yourself to others; and perhaps her ways are showing you how to put more of your own caring/helping urg3es into action.

If your relationship has been growing for about a year, you are at the threshold of the courtship stage in traditional (pre60's sexualrevolution) relations when it's time to commit towards marriage or show enough hesitation that one partner doubts the future prospects and begins to decide it's not worth continuing. And if it COULD BE worth contrinuing towards marriage (because you "love her enough" according to 2 what you write for this challenging request) THEN you will begin to encounter your most difficult DIFFERENCES up to now,some of which will be IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES, because every couple ends up having some. That's when commitment & loyalty are tested even further, because your commitments need to include finding ways to minimize the pain to your relationship that the most difficult differences can cause, often by letting go of some expectations you would otherwise have of your partner for your personalities and needs for life-satisfaction--accepting some space in your intimacy.

If she wants you to spell out the ways you love her, you are right to not accentuate the logical reasons. It's the reasons that cannot be explained that lead a partner to feel loved "no matter what happens"--because if she's mostly doing wonderful things for you that make you love her, then she could calculate that if she feels like NOT doing some of those things sometime in the future, then you might pull away, because "you're not getting your needs met."

If EITHER of you has parents who divorced, there is ample research to indicate that your unconscious commitment to loving "no matter what" could be very unstable; and the one whose parents divorced would want the other to be ALL IN (& with parents who are still married , or died married) so she-or-he would never have to worry about being unable to prevent being dumped. But the adult child of divorced parents is normally hypersensitive to any problems in relationship and magnifies them out of unconscious fears until every molehill becomes a mountain--and the steps that the A-child-of-Divorce takes to protect him/herself against being blindsided by a disintegrating bond can often rob the relationship of mutual trust & intimacy.

I read your words about never wanting to let her go, so I sense you could be an A-Ch-of-Div; but she might be also. Yet her professional choice to be a counselor could make her the right helper to keep both of you together thru the uncertainties that (always) come. I wrote my second doctoral research dissertation on the dynamics of love relations between adult children of divorce. It's unpublished, But my key recommendation was to assume whenever you're feeling cautious or untrusting, that you're afraid of being helpless to prevent another loss like what you had with your parents. You mention being afraid you might lose her some day. So there could be times when you should confess that fear to her.

Now I have to cook for my (disabled) daughter, 27, and then take my disabled wife (64) to a bonescan.

So if you want more specific responses, respond to what I've written here. I've not tried to tell you what words to use, because I think your own language will work, if you just remember to let your feelings show in most things that you write. (And I've suggested some forward-looking thoughts about how you want your future to be together, as assurance that you have marriage in mind.)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks again for your thoughts and insight. I really need some specific examples that I can use and then tailor to meet my own needs based on what I've written above about why I love her. If ou can assist with that, in this request, I would appreciate it.Also you seem like a great resource… I'm wondering if you practice online or via Skype? Perhaps some additional opportunities in that aspect In The future.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks again for your thoughts and insight. I really need some specific examples that I can use and then tailor to meet my own needs based on what I've written above about why I love her. If ou can assist with that, in this request, I would appreciate it.Also you seem like a great resource… I'm wondering if you practice online or via Skype? Perhaps some additional opportunities in that Thanks again for your thoughts and insight. I really need some specific examples that I can use and then tailor to meet my own needs based on what I've written above about why I love her. If ou can assist with that, in this request, I would appreciate it.Also you seem like a great resource… I'm wondering if you practice online or via Skype? Perhaps some additional opportunities in that aspect In The future. aspect In The future.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I can do Skype phone calls. I do have over 40yrs experience, as both professor (21yrs teaching a very popular course on Intimate relationships, decades studying that) and therapist. I led men's groups for 35 years. But I'm too busy today with a guy who needs my time in person. He's on his way over now.

You gave going on your walks as an example. You've used some words to describe the spur-of-the-moment eagerness you feel at those times. Being able to drop everything, being able to STOP TIME --that's a big boost for loving. Because stopping time, by stepping outside of everything you were doing as routine puts you in eternal-time, makes you feel right then&there that your love is eternal, just waiting for you stop what you're doing to notice it.

And everything she does that is beautiful , like her snoring, can also STOP TIME if you notice it and don't pass onward to anything else. And if you gaze at her face or her movements while she's sleeping. And every chance you get to give her something that's going to be a surprise.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I wonder if you're worried that you won't say the RIGHT things that you love about her?--If you may have grown into manhood somehow having experienced that what you said to a woman was never the right thing?

There's what you admire about her on first awakening; what you see in the sculpture of her legs, or her foot, or her wrist, or her shoulder or back; What you have felt about being HOME when you're with her.

Or do you have a fear or a block about writing? You have mentioned several moments or scenes with her in them and how you feel then. --like how safe it felt to get the surprise of her presence at your house late at night, how her curling up made your bed a lovenest. [But I'm a little unclear about whether you're hoping I'll just use more poetic and feeling-colored words to embellish the moments you've suggested already.

I wrote on my first posting that no declaration of love is going to be perfect, either too little or too much; and I meant also that if you're worried about how she will receive and judge your monologue, then you can't express your exuberance and admiration in a free way. You told me some great moments when you knew I wouldn't be judging how well they were written. (And I really am in a circumstance in my own life where I could lose my wife of 30 years within a year, so I can feel the preciousness of every bone in her body, and every moment of joy she emits.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
sir. I'm hoping You'll just use more poetic and feeling-colored words to embellish the moments ive suggested already if possible. Taking in things, slowing down, being a confident sexy man who she can come home too, etc.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel like we are not done with this as it hasn't met my request yet.I'm hoping You'll just use more poetic and feeling-colored words to embellish the moments ive suggested already if possible. Taking in things, slowing down, being a confident sexy man who she can come home too, etc.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You're checking in with me but we are not done with this. You asked me a question yesterday and I'm still waiting for you to respond.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I thought long and hard about writing your love notes for you, and it's NOT the right thing to do. Then my computer shut down, so now I have to start over. I can't write your love notes for you without taking away the power of your personality and pasting my own loving over yours. But I can do something else that's better.

You can write a few individual notes, each one about one love moment--that is a moment (either unique, or one that has happened more than once),or an aspect of her mind or body or actions that you admire, or a memorable experience--and send them to me (one or a few at a time). After each note, make a parenthetical note (about what your think is lacking in your words or want to add to make it better). In response I will suggest how you can proceed to improve your expression as you want to, or as I can imagine that you could make it more moving and personal if you don't know what you want to add. Then you can make suggested improvements and send them again and I'll tell you what I think.

This way of coaching to help you develop your own written "voice" works for me, and it will help you learn how to flex your own self-expression muscles instead of painting over your expression with something foreign to you--which she might well feel is actually too alien to be the real you anyway.

I have taught English on mostly the college level for almost 30 years, and I've written poetry and heartfelt prose to a woman I have in my own heart, as my wife has now lived there for over 30 years. So can teach you how to refine your own heartfelt expression by revising what YOU have written about what YOU have noticed, loved, and paused to think about and admire, and want to put down in writing so you can carve into the pages of your loveletters.

I suggest also that this training should be a process of usually 4 communications involving EACH of your separate lovenotes of a few sentences or a paragraph each [1. your first draft of a description with feelings and thoughts about your reactions; 2. my suggestions for how to improve the lovenote with more description, blending phrases about feeling and possible thoughts and wishes for the future with her; 3. your revision of your original version; 4. my response to that, with (perhaps on the first few notes) additional suggestions for revision). If you actually flunked every English class you ever had in school, then it might take more revisions at first. But I bet that your own style CAN emerge and begin to grow.

I don't think it's appropriate to expose your first drafts and revisions on this website; so I should offer you additional services for a modest fee (less than you have deposited already, and not to be raised unless and until I have put in considerably more time in the tutoring & revision process). For if you deposit another $20, of which I get a portion, we get to exchange private contact information. So after that we can use private email and make any additional arrangements separately from the website. I do private tutoring of many subjects at the college level for a much lower hourly fee than counseling, and that's what I would charge. By beginning with what you are able to write on your own ideas and feelings at first, I can coach you in how to bring more of yourself into your writing as you revise what you have put down of your love expression. Thus you will end up enhancing your own ability to express yourself- lovingly, and when you are including more parts of your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual personality in your communications, you will realize that you are expression YOUR SOUL. For soul is what arises when many of the main aspects of your personality arise and come together in one unified expression.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I think I've found the best way to help you with your goal and COLLABORATE with you the way a good editor/teacher would to expand your own capabilities to express yourself--instead of making up words FOR you. I' not sure if you ever read my offer or not, and I'm surprised that you haven't taken me up on it, or at least discussed it with me. The website's habit of printing "timed out" after 1 week doesn't mean anything. I suppose that by now you may think that nobody else among the "experts" is going to write your love notes for you either. But you're missing the opportunity to have a seasoned teacher (and counselor) who is willing to tutor you in love-language skills, so you will gain the ability to exercise them yourself instead of borrowing from somebody else.

My wife suggested that I refer you to love songs by Bob Dylan so you could use the lines of the man she thinks is America's greatest poet to speak for you. I wasn't interested in her strategy, because only using your own words and learning how to take them further into your experience of the woman you love is a path that will become part of you. If you just decided you'd have to do it for yourself, because nobody else will do it for you, then that's a good way to go--and my advice to you in that path is JUST REMEMBER TO WRITE AND THEN REVISE, because that is the key to expressing yourself more fully and beautifully.

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