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DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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I need some perspective on my personal situation. My wife

Customer Question

I need some perspective on my personal situation. My wife and I are married for 15 years. We met when I was still in the army and she's my second wife. During my tour of duty we moved around a lot, wherever the army took us. Upon my retiirement from active duty we drifted around the US a bit. She was always a good sport. Then I got a job as a consultant in Qatar and we moved there to live in a compound. Things were good until I took another job with a bigger company, more money in Dubai. My wife doesn't work - doesn't have a university degree so it's hard to get a work visa - and i provide for her. That's my job as the husband. But she was not happy in Dubai, got depressed so she suggested we go ahead with our retirement plan - I was only 46 then - and I bought a bar in the Carribean which she runs. This was 3,5 years ago and since then we've only been together 3 times. She came here once, I went there 2x but last time she asked me to stay at at hotel. I keep paying for the bar and have decided that we should sell and she should come back to Dubai. Also I asked her for a talk as I feel teh "writing is on the wall" as far as our marriage is concerned. We agreed to meet in the US this summer and I extended my vacation from 3 to 5 weeks but she did not come. then I asked her to fly home with me but she only cancelled on day before our flight back to Dubai - she said the dog was sick. She doesn't Skype, says she's "shy to be in front of the camera" but she did Skype with our financial advisor the other day. Thing is - I have had couple of affairs and now I have met a nice woman, that I really care about. But I feel I should give my marriage another chance. However, part of me understands that these are all signs my wife wants out. What do do? I don't want to get divorced a second time... Am I making a fool out of myself who does not WANT to see the signs. She was supposed to come this weekend and has postponed yet again...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just feel I cannot go through another divorce again but on the other hand I feel she should also make an effort. And I catch myself also NOT making an effort, while I was waiting for 5 weeks I also did not just fly to see her. I sat there and waited...
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. And am so sorry you are in this "not knowing" situation. This must be extremely painful.

I think you already know the best answer for you. That is, emotionally you have been divorced for quite awhile. And I do not just mean as evidenced by your affairs. Your wife is not putting you off "because the dog is sick." She knows that both of you are "emotionally divorced." Fly to see her since she is not coming to see you. And sit down not at the bar or her residence but maybe a restaurant/coffee house and be clear. Tell her you appreciate her being there for you over the years while you moved back and forth and for being "such a sport" about living where she didn't want to. But also ask her if she does not also agree that your paths have veered so off course from where you started that surely making it official would make it less painful for the both of you a year, 2 years, 5 years, etc. down the road.

Unless she asks directly and you cannot feel you can lie to her, I wouldn't necessarily mention that you have met someone. That may rub salt into her wounds. Even if she mentions she met someone, realize she may say that to "save face" and to make it seem like she is not hurt. So I wouldn't divulge the information about the woman you met. Take the higher road because I think the pain will lessen faster if you can save the wounds from going as deeply as possible.

I hope that makes sense. And from what you have shared, I am guessing she will be reasonable enough to agree that your divorce was emanate a long time ago.

I'm going to send my phone and Skype information if you would like to discuss further according to JA rules. Let me know if I can help.

Thanks and please take care,

--Dr. Jackie

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