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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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My problem is my daughter,she's married to this guy past 5

Customer Question

my problem is my daughter,she's married to this guy for the past 5 yrs,she was in college got pregnant,has 2 kids now.The thing is the husband does,does not support her or the kids
we the parents does everything for she and the kids,even though we do all this we are not allowed to take the kids nowhere,he curses at us,disrespect us in the worst way,he has doing this to us for the past 6 yrs,my daughter doesn't listen to us or take any advice,sometimes i think she is using us.that husband of her's mentally abuses her.she come to my house everyday,goes back to just sleep by his house.his parents supplies him with cigarettes and food,they doesn't give the grandkids anything.I am very fustrated and confused.I am tired of talking to her to get out of that relationship.Please i need some advice.Very sad.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I am very sorry that you are having this issue with your daughter and son in law. Because this website is not designed for general "advice," as this is a Q&A website, what would be your specific questions that you would like to ask concerning this situation? Have you considered to stop helping her and the children since this arrangement is only continuing to frustrate you and is not helping the situation?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
What can i do to stop feeling sorry for her
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
That husband was in the mental institute for a while,he smokes a lot
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

That is definitely a difficult question to answer because you are always going to care for your daughter and you are overall a compassionate person, so you cannot just turn that part of you off. I believe you can continue to be compassionate and "feel sorry" for your daughter, but that does not mean you have to let that emotion overwhelm and compel you to always help her out. You do not have control over what your daughter does, just like she has no control over your actions as well...the decision to continue staying in this abusive marriage is hers alone. You have tried to talk to her and tell her that this is unhealthy for her and the children, but she has not acted on this advice and that is her choice, it is not a reflection on you at all. At this point you are going to need to make the hard choice to tell her that you cannot enable her behavior anymore and that while you care for your daughter very much, the decision to break away from this relationship is on her, not on you. I would recommend giving her contact information for psychologists/therapists in the area that specialize in domestic situations/abuse like this so that she has some resources to go to. Here is a good website where you can find such mental health professionals.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?tr=Hdr_SubBrand

In addition, you may want to provide her with a list of women's shelters as well as they routinely have resources and support groups that she can look into as well. You are her parent, not her therapist, so it is not your job to provide mental health treatment for her, but you can provide her with the resources to get such treatment if she chooses to do so.

I hope this answers your question and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

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