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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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My boyfriend and I have lived together 2years. He has more

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have lived together for over 2years. He has more time off at work then I do. 2 months ago his family ask him to attend a alumni party for his 80 year old father in August, I told him I would need 30 days notice at work to take the time off. He said he didn't want to go. When the date came his brother offered him to stay in his motel. So he accepted to go with his brother while I worked 3 twelve hour shifts at work. He accused me of trying to prevent him from spending time with his family when I told him that I didn't want him to go without me. He became very verbally insulting and telling me how my family hasn't done anything for him and how his family has always been there.i told him not to text or call the 3 days he was leaving because I didn't want to fight and ruin his trip. He came home a day late and tried to touch me I cringed. Is this just a fight. We had a agreement to spend our vacations together. He said that wasn't a vacation. I kinda think it was a big drunk time. His family drinks heavily especially his brother who he went with. Also it worries me how my relationship with his family will be if they think I was trying to prevent his family time. We just bought a home together what a mistake.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.
It does sound like this is an upsetting and frustrating situation for you, but it does seem like (without knowing the background of your relationship) that this is just a fight about family and hurt feelings. Family is one of the top issues that couples argue about, of course, and if you did buy a home together, then things must have been going relatively well for you otherwise. The way he handled this situation isn't fair to you, because you did have more than enough time to give notice to your employer about needing time off and you could have accompanied him. For whatever reason, he changed his mind (as you said, perhaps it was just an excuse to have drunk time with his brother) and didn't take into account that he'd be hurting your feelings. It was smart and considerate of you to tell him not to text or call because you didn't want to ruin his trip, but it also sounds like he did miss you while he was away. I think it's a case of miscommunication -- it doesn't really sound like there's anything fundamentally "wrong" with your relationship. His reaction in terms of verbally insulting you and telling you about your family not doing anything for him is wrong but does sound like it was stemming from feelings of hurt -- he felt torn between wanting to spend time with him family and wanting to save you from feeling hurt since you couldn't go with him. I would advise giving it a day or two and then sitting down and calmly discussing what happened -- without getting into blame. Tell him that you really do like his family and want to be able to spend more time with them -- that you're really not out to prevent his family time but that you were confused because he originally said he didn't want to go. Also try not to rehash the events because it's over and done with at this point, but just tell him that you want to clear things up and that you feel like this fight is all a big misunderstanding. If he reacts badly, then just leave it alone and tell him you'll discuss it in a few days when he feels calmer. But I do think you need the chance to express your feelings and concerns, for your own peace of mind and so you can both be on the same page.

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