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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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My daughters boyfriend of 6 years just broke up with her and

Customer Question

My daughters boyfriend of 6 years just broke up with her and she's shattered. They're 24. Her first love. About to get engaged at Xmas. How Cani help her?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area.

Hello, I am very sorry to hear that your daughter's boyfriend broke up with her, I can understand how distressing this can be for her. May I ask, why did he break up with her?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She was in Minnisota with the boyfriends family for a week. She has anxiety disorder and wasn't sleeping well. The Aunt said she had sleeping pills - at some point - and my daughter took 1.5 out of her purse. The Aunt said she was missing many more and the whole family confronted my daughter. She said she took 1.5 but no one believed her and the boyfriend just ended the relationship - she had embarrassed him and he didn't believe her and couldn't trust her anymore.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

So the whole family and her boyfriend is accusing your daughter of taking a good portion of medication from the aunt. Does your daughter take any specific medication for her anxiety disorder?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
They took her to a hotel and left her there a day before her flight. The boyfriend said they could talk on the flight home but then took an earlier flight and didn't tell her til he was already in Denver.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She has Ativan for if she gets a panic attack
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Wow, I can definitely understand why your daughter is stressed about this situation. Are you currently with your daughter (or near her in the same city/area) or does she live somewhere else from you?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
she takes celesta (?) daily
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Ativan is a strong benzodiazepine, but it is very addictive. That is good that she is combining the Ativan with Celexa as this allows her to be less dependent on the Ativan

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She lives about an hour away. Her sister picked her up at the airport and took her to her house for a sleepover
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She feels broken and like she'll never get over him
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It was so sudden and he's being so cruel
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Maybe she has lorazepam. I forget
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Rather than Ativan)
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Lorazepam is Ativan...they are the same active ingredients.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well that's it then
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She's blaming herself ... "Everything would still be great if I hadn't taken the sleeping pill. It's all my fault"
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Okay, so right now the best thing you can do for your daughter is to be as supportive as possible for her. Try not to focus on the past and the incident with these pills from the Aunt as we cannot change the past. Instead get her focused on things that are happening right now in her life...job, tasks, etc....The pain she is feeling is grief over the loss of the relationship and unfortunately the best thing to "cure" that grief is time. What she is experiencing is completely natural and it will get better, but it will take time. This is why you have to get your daughter to focus on tasks in the "here and now," so that she is not focused on the past and not thinking too much of the future as then she will focus on being hopeless and not finding someone like her boyfriend. Get her to think about the present and try to keep her occupied with pleasurable activities as well to keep her distracted. What you are doing here is allowing her the time for her to naturally overcome this grief, which she will, but it will take a considerable amount of time given how long they were together and the suddenness of the break up.

I know you want to do more for her and take away all her pain, but unfortunately this is going to be something she is going to have to go through and you can only make it slightly easier for her, but it will be emotionally painful and trying for her overall. Just try to be as supportive as you can for her.

I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Her focus on the sleeping pill is what is in the past and she cannot change the past, she only has control of the here and now and that is what you have to get her to focus on

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
What do I say when she starts blaming herself
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You can tell her that it was not her choice to end the relationship and given how suddenly he ended the relationship after this one incident suggests that he may have been thinking about this for some time. They were together for 6 years and all of a sudden one event he ends the relationship is hard to believe, so he may have been thinking about this for awhile now. I know that will not necessarily make your daughter happy, but it may eventually get her to see that a break-up may have been inevitable no matter what she does

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I said that and she said that he recently told her he was going to ask her to get engaged at Xmas. She believes that she destroyed their future by dis honoring his family by taking the pill
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You have to understand that given how fresh this break-up is, no matter what you say it may never fully reach her. You can say everything right and make the most logical argument, but her emotional state from the break-up can cause her to see things pessimistically. So right now let her vent, but do not enable her self-blame as you want to continue to tell her that she cannot blame herself fully and eventually her emotions will lessen and she will begin to process this break-up and move forward, but like I said it will take a considerable amount of time

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't want her despair to take over
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I know you do not want her despair to take over, but like I said she is going to feel this grief and it will be emotionally painful for her as that is a natural feeling after such a loss, but you can try to be as supportive as possible for her and try to help her move forward and process this break-up as quickly as she can. There is no quick solution here and her pain will continue for sometime, but every week she will start to get better and better, until one day she feels like she has successfully moved forward from this. But its hard to see when everything is so fresh as it is now.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'll see how she is tomorrow. Thank you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You are most welcome and I truly hope she feels better soon. Remember keep her mind focused on the present as the "here and now" is what she can control (she cannot change the past and she has no control over the future, but she has control of what she does this very second). And try to keep her distracted with activities and tasks that are both challenging and/or fun. I wish your daughter and the rest of your family all the best.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Anytime, I am always happy to help :) Please feel free to contact me anytime in the near future for any other questions or concerns you may have.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I noticed that you viewed my answer and I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

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