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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10566
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I have been dating my boyfriend .5 years now. We broke

Customer Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. We broke up previously for 6 weeks and he initiated getting back together. It started out fine, but I had not healed from the past breakup or finished working on myself and removing my insecurities. I have struggled with an eating disorder most of our relationship and while I am getting help the role it has taken on our relationship has been so destructive. This time around it was me who didn't hold up my end of the relationship. After 2 months of being back together, he broke up with me again. When we broke up he said things like "nothing has changed." " we just don't work" "you don't trust me" " I'm not happy" "i want to want to work things out, but I don't. I'm tired. I don't want to be together anymore". In my attempt to talk him into sticking it out with me he viewed me as trying to "persuade" "manipulate" and "press" him. I know that I have a lot to work on, and will continue to do so, but I truly believe this man is the man of my dreams and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have a healthy relationship with him. Is it possible to get him back after a second break up?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Hello, I am very sorry that you and your boyfriend are having these difficulties, I can understand that this would be distressing to you. I do know that you care about your boyfriend very much, but by your own admission you are not ready for a relationship right now as you state that you still have to work on yourself to help you heal and overcome some of these insecurities and the eating disorder you mentioned. I believe that it would be possible for the both of you to reconcile down the line if you continued to work on yourself so that you will be in a better and more stable place to to allow the relationship to succeed. Your boyfriend would obviously have to see if that effort you are currently putting into your own well being is working and then he may start to change his mind about breaking up with you and slowly/gradually want to reconcile with you. But this may be months down the line as you want to continue to work on yourself and help yourself get to a place where you feel you are ready for a relationship. When that time comes, I would recommend starting a friendship with your boyfriend to show him how much you have changed, so that he can see you in a different light and then over time you both may slowly start to reconcile, if he is open to that. So you will have to be patient on this matter as your healing will not occur right away and getting your boyfriend back will take time as well, but it is possible. I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue. *****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am just afraid that because this is our second breakup he will not believe that I will ever fully change or even if I did that we would not work together. When do you think the best time for me to contact him again would be? He was more frustrated last night and this morning than I've ever seen him, and my constant pleas of desperation couldn't have been more unattractive. Do you think the damage that's been done can be un-done between us before he starts seeing someone else?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You can try to still remain friends with him at this moment and maybe go out in groups with other friends, so that you are still in contact with him, but right now you cannot think about having a relationship with him as you must continue to work on yourself. So you may want to contact him within a week to tell him that you would like to remain friends as he is an important person in your life. As for if the damage can be undone before he starts a new relationship, that is impossible to tell because I do not know how long it will be till he wants to start dating again, but either way that is something you cannot control and instead you should just focus on your own healing independent of what he does. If he starts to see someone else while you are still healing, that is unfortunate, but it should not stop you from working on yourself and if he does not start dating anyone else, than again you will still be working on yourself until you are ready. *****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I noticed that you viewed my answer and I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?
*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

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