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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I recently started dating this girl we been official

Customer Question

I recently started dating this girl we been official for two weeks. She was the first girl I ever slept with. We are in a long distance relationship. I went out with a mate and we got quite drunk, went to a strip club then a brothel. The guilt is killing me and I don't know whether to tell her or not. We once had a discussion about cheating and she said if I ever did she would want to know the truth straight away a that she believes in second chances. I dont know whether to keep it to myself or tell her. I don't want to have this hanging over our relationship in the future.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area.
Hello, I believe I may be able to help you with your concern. I understand that this is a very difficult position you are in and this decision is completely up to you as I cannot make this decision for you since it is more of a moral decision based on your own sense of what is right and wrong. If you feel the guilt of this will always cause you stress/anxiety in your relationship than you should tell your girlfriend what happened so that you can relieve your guilt and work through this together. Now while your girlfriend said she believes in second chances and that she would want you to tell her if you cheated, most women would not like the fact that you cheated with someone from a brothel as that is different, and I would recommend leaving that part out. The major risk in telling her though is that she will end the relationship because of this and may never want to speak to you again.
On the other hand if you feel your guilt will subside and that you can learn from this to be a better partner to her than maybe you should not tell her. This way you can preserve the relationship and never make a mistake like this again. The risk here is that of course your guilt/anxiety may still be present and get the best of you, but you would not risk the relationship by telling her the truth of what happened from this one time event.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly wish you all the best no matter what decision you make regarding this situation and I hope you and your girlfriend have a long and happy relationship together. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*****Remember I only get compensated for my hard work through positive ratings, so I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE RATING using the smiley faces/stars. Thank you so much and it was my pleasure helping you with your issue.*****
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for the advice. Its just hard to tell right now if the guilt will subside and I don't want to leave something like this brewing for too long. If it ends up coming up further down the line then I would have wasted months or maybe even years of her life. I don't want to her to have to go through that. She's been cheated on in her past 3 relationships so I don't know how she would take this. I can't believe I've done this. Its always been totally against my morals and even keep in my virginity was a big thing. Its almost like because I only just had sex for the first time I wanted to experiment before I got too deep in a relationship. I really don't know what to do
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Based on what you are telling me about your morals and the history with this woman's past relationships, I think it would be best to tell her that you cheated and let her decide what to do from there. Like I said, if you tell her you should not mention the brothel part at all as that is not pertinent and will only make it look worse for you. But because you do not want to live in possible regret or further guilt down the line, it may be best to err on the side of caution and tell her now. I realize it will be hard for you, but it is better than in the possible future if you end up realizing that the guilt is too much months from now.
*****Remember I only get compensated for my hard work through positive ratings, so I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE RATING using the smiley faces/stars. Thank you so much and it was my pleasure helping you with your issue.*****
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But she's going to ask questions. How do I steer clear from mentioning the brothel? I don't want to tell more lies.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You can just tell her it was a stranger that you met while you were out drinking with a friend. Try to tell her that you are ashamed and that she does not need to know details, just that you made a mistake.
*****Remember I only get compensated for my hard work through positive ratings, so I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE RATING using the smiley faces/stars. Thank you so much and it was my pleasure helping you with your issue.*****
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But won't it sound like it could have been more than sex? With a sex worker there is no real connection. Obviously I would like to keep the fact that it was a brothel on the down low because if she does break up with me, the last thing I want is to have her telling everyone.. But at the same time I want to be 100% honest. If I'm not going to tell her the whole truth then I may as well not say anything. I don't know, I'm lost
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I think the fact of a brothel will only complicate matters more in this regard and can almost certainly end your relationship, while telling her you cheated on her will not necessarily spell certain doom. Ultimately the choice is up to you, I cannot make the choice for you, I am only giving you a glimpse of how the future would look with each choice, so that you can make an informed decision.
*****Remember I only get compensated for my hard work through positive ratings, so I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE RATING using the smiley faces/stars. Thank you so much and it was my pleasure helping you with your issue.*****
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Maybe I should just leave it. We are still in early stages of our relationship and have been having many disagreements already. Maybe I'm over thinking it. It might even end for another reason and then ive risked my reputation by putting myself out there as a cheater. I just hope the guilt doesnt consume me
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well like I said before if you feel the guilt will not consume you than you cannot tell her and instead work on being a better partner and not letting this happen again.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think if something like this came out years down the line that maybe she wouldn't be as hurt? After all we had only been together for less than 8 days and it won't seem as bad looking back, or would she just feel betrayed? I think the problem is that I'm only thinking about myself and the discomfort I'm feeling. If I tell her then all I'm doing is shifting my pain to her which isn't fair. I deserve this pain and maybe it will teach me a good hard lesson
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I cannot tell you if she would not be as hurt or not as I do not know this woman. This choice is up to you alone and your own moral compass.

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