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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I feel like this whole story will sound dumb but I am a professional

Customer Question

I feel like this whole story will sound dumb but I am a professional mom of 2 who honestly is not a dumb person. I am hurt and I don't know what I should do with this situation.
I've been dating a guy on and off who was still very much resolving his feelings for his ex wife. Any of our fights were surrounding the idea of him talking about moving things along with me but simitaneously talking about his ex wife and I couldn't take it.
That part of his life seems to be resolved but the new problem has been that while we were broke up for a few weeks he started to try and date a girl. He said she was in the friends zone instantly and he wasn't attracted to her. He told her that but they had a good friendship and continued being friends while him and I got back together except him and I were never offically a couple and he hung out with this girl a lot---she even spent the night. He said because they would be watching tv and it would be late so she would just stay. I actually believe him that they weren't physical but I know she wanted a relationship with him.
This whole situation continued on for way too long. We broke up again and they hung out more and more. We've been together again for the last few months though and we recently just went on vacation together. When we came back this girl was upset because he lied about going with me. He still says they weren't together as a couple and he lied because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He said he's felt like he should try and date her at times but he never did because he couldn't get past her weight and he's not physically attracted to her.
He's basically been having his cake and eatting it too. This girl does not have kids and basically stays with him all of the time. She cooks for him, helps him with his kids, does his laundry and hangs out because he doesn't really like being alone. She was tired of it all and told him she either wants to date monogamously or shes done with all of that but would still be his friend.
I feel pretty devestated that he's doing that. He told me the first time I saw him after the trip that they had this conversation when she found out about him going away. He's gone on about them being platonic for so long and now hes trying to date her. I am livid that this happened right after the trip. When he talked to me he was really emotional and said he honestly felt bad about keeping her around for so long when they weren't in a relationship. Said shes great with his kids, his parents adore her, they get along great, she would check off 8/10 of his boxes, but hes still not physically attracted to her because of her weight. He told her this and she told him she will lose the weight. This is all so weird. He said he feels like he should give her a chance because she's so in love with him and has offered this.
He's the most sexual person I've ever met so I don't see how this would ever work but I realize that is not my problem. I can't help but be sad though because I feel like things were really good between us lately and he even said that. He flat out said that if she hadn't put this out there that he would still want to be dating me. He said he want's to go away with me for his birthday--obvioulsy can't. Looks at me and still wants to touch me and be sexual--but can't. He was tearful during our talk and said that he loves me and felt bad about it all. The idea that he said he should've cut her loose a long time ago so he wasn't in this position makes my brain crazy. He doesn't sound like he wants to be with her and he even used the word obligated to try about her. I would never want someone to say that about me---but then again----he's not even trying with me.
He said he didn't think I was in love with him. Said he weighed his options and she's so consistently there that he waged his bets. He wants to remain friends. Says he wants to go shopping, movies, dinner----but we can't be physical. Being physical is a big part of what we are. It's the strangest thing I've ever felt and we can't keep our hands off of each other. I don't know what to do. Even after all of this stupid stuff---I still want him and wish we were dating and he would be done with her. I'm actually glad hes figuring it out because of course I wouldn't want a real relationship while she was in the picture at all. What do I do now? What do I say to him about any of this and am I an idiot for still wanting him? I sound so dumb.
He flat out said that he doesn't know what hes doing and he's floundering. I feel like she's just been there----he's comfortable----but he's not in love with her. That's even what he said to me. What now? I'm miserable and they're together "trying" and he seems like a reluctant boyfriend.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am so sorry about what has been going on and I do not think the situation nor your feelings are dumb. It is normal to feel how you are in this situation. You loved and cared for him as you still do. True feelings can not just shut off like a light switch. They need to be worked on during time as time can definitely heal. It sounds to me exactly what you said that he wants his cake and eat it too. He is enjoying the best of everyone. He is getting a complete relationship, but over more than one person. He sounds very confused and a bit selfish. The good part is that he is being honest with you on the most part, but still it is not healthy at all. He may still be confused about his ex, which adds to all of this. I personally think he should not be in any relationship right now until he figures out what he truly wants out of a relationship. He needs to realize there is no perfect relationship nor person and should not feel forced into any relationship nor obligated. Also, if he did not want this person due to weight I would be concerned if he would leave of you were to gain weight or would that be different since you are already in a relationship. I do understand sometimes we prefer not to start a relationship with certain individuals for certain reason, but when in one already and are in love we would accept the things we would not otherwise. In any case if you both were to stay together it would be wise to discuss to get his thoughts on that to determine his deeper thoughts on that. Overall, moving forward I would think about if you truly want to be "friends" with him while he is "trying " with this other person. It is important to think about what you truly want and can handle rather than just settling for what he wants and going by his way. It may not be easy, but staying in a relationship as such will only hurt you more in the long run. If he is not serious about being together than it would be wise to continue on with your life and take care of yourself. It will not be easy, but I promise you that time will heal your feelings. It is better to be happy in the long run than to be stuck in something that will only continue to hurt you. Try to stay active and take care of your well being. Maybe try a new hobby or activity to help keep your mind and body active as well. I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.