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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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So confused. . I am a 55 year old woman who is engaged to

Customer Question

So confused. Hi. I am a 55 year old woman who is engaged to a 55 year old man. We got engaged 8 months after we met. We have been dating for a year and a haLf. My fiance has 1 son. I have 3 sons whom he has met. I met his son 1 time at an amusement park
and he introduced me as a friend. We plan on getting married 4 years after his son graduates High. school. In the past year and a half he has put me aside to be with his son. I mean he has changed plans with me to be with him. Please tell me if I am wrong
for feeling this way? I see my fiance usually on Friday night. All day Saturday and Saturday night and I leave Sunday morning. His son is with his mom on the weekends. His son just joined the band so I'm not even sure I'll get to see my fiance on Fridays because
he will be at the football games to watch his son in the band. Please tell me if I am wrong. I'm so sad. Thank you
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello again. I am so sorry that you are having this issue with your fiance, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. I definitely do not think you are wrong to feel hurt that you are being introduced as a "friend" to your fiance's son as by now your fiance should have told him how much you mean to him and that the two of you are in a committed relationship that includes an engagement. In addition, it is definitely not wrong to feel left out or like a secondary priority to his son. I understand once in a while when conflicting schedules occur he will try to spend more time with his son, but if he consistently chooses his son over you than it shows that he does not view the relationship as a priority. He needs to divide his time appropriately between you and his son, he cannot favor one over the other as that is not healthy. I think it would be important if you talk to your fiance about this issue so that you both can resolve the matter and move forward from it. In fact, your fiance may not even be aware that he is behaving this way, so telling him could prove beneficial to both of you.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly wish you and your fiance all the best moving forward from this. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi. I have talked to him many times and he told me his son comes first. I understand that. But like tonight my fiance and I were supposed to go to dinner and called me to cancel to tell me he has a chance to be with his son. So while he is at the movies with his son here I sit.
He also told me he will not tell his son because he is afraid of his sons reactions. I'm so sad
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I am very sorry to hear that. The choice to put his son as a priority over you and not balance the relationships between you and his son will cause any one to feel sad. Your fiance's decision in regards ***** ***** your relationship to his son and not putting you as a priority will cause you more sadness and frustration in the future unfortunately. You have tried to talk to him about this and he still will not relent, meaning that you have to make a choice to stay in this relationship knowing that it will cause you more and more emotional pain or you may have to unfortunately leave the relationship.
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
That is exactly how I feel. He will tell me that I'm being childish.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You have a right to feel hurt by his behavior and you are definitely not being childish. Your fiance has a choice and right now he is choosing not to compromise with you and to put your relationship as a secondary priority unfortunately. Now you have to make a choice on if this relationship is worth it if you continue down this path
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So I should listen to my heart and not my head. I know that he does love me but he struggles with his son. I don't think it's fair to me to sit alone on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day til 10:00pm and New Year's Eve til 9:30 pm because he won't tell his son or his x wife he has plans. No I'm the one who suffers.
Please also know he does buy me anything and pays for our vacations. Perhaps he thinks this is right. I really don't care if he has money. I just want to feel important.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
If you are hurt by this behavior and he is being dismissive of your concerns like this than I think you may want to reconsider this relationship. While he probably has some great qualities to him, these issues are important to you and should be considered and a compromise should be reached.
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He will not compromise. He told me from the beginning that his son is first. That's fine.
Here are my thoughts....
He should have never gotten into a relationship where he can't have his fiance as a part of his life. He wants his cake and eat it to.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I agree that he wants his cake and eat it too. Like I said because he will not compromise than you have to make a choice of either ending the relationship or continuing with the relationship knowing that he will not waver from this issue and will cause you an increasing amount of emotional pain. That choice is up to you.
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well I guess to him I'm not worth the compromise. It's hard to do. Any suggestions on how to get over him?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also he texts me and tells me that him and his son are at the movies and that they will have a fun time. What's with that?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Getting over him will take time of course, but you want to distract yourself with pleasurable activities, spend times with friends, and possibly write out a list of the reasons why you ended the relationship, namely this very issue. Here is also a good book to help you as well:
“Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You” by Elliott
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1434824534&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=how+ot+get+past+a+breakup
As for why he tells you that, I cannot read his mind, but maybe he is not aware of how serious this is to you, despite you voicing your concerns, and he thinks these texts are him showing that he is thinking about you.
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok thanks for your advice. I'll have to decide. I truly feel like I am just a weak person and can't do it.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You are not a weak person, but the decision has to come from you alone. Eventually you will get too fed up with this situation and you will do it, the question is only when. I wish you all the best :)
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. Have a nice evening.
I'll look for the book.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You are most welcome, have a great rest of your evening as well :)
*****If you are satisfied with my answer, I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE rating so that I can receive credit for helping you. Thank you

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