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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1678
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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What ways can I go about effectively handling this

Customer Question

What ways can I go about effectively handling this situation? My on-off boyfriend allows his mother to disrespect me in front of others, and he continues to make excuses for her behavior. Recently, I was invited over to see him (I did not want to go but),
somehow I ended up helping her/doing her work for a project of hers and she begins yelling at me, insulting me, and kicked me out her home in front of everyone. After I left their home, her son picked a fight with me saying that I should have asked him for
permission to leave and began insulting me. When she gets mad at me, he makes up a reason to get mad at me and insults me; then I usually leave, and when I come back he blames me for abandoning him and he ignores my concerns. He is an only child, and she is
a single-parent now. He knows she can be very mean, but yet he and his family dismiss it. That same weekend I was kind to her/them, buying gifts, cooking, buying them food, groceries, etc. I asked them “what did I do wrong?” Sometimes they do not have an answer,
(just like this time) but end up blaming me and insulting me saying to others that I am not Miss-Goody two-shoes as I appear. Basically poisoning the well, trying to make others go against me, and it is working successfully. I am tired of being the scapegoat
for his family problems. I am tired of being the bigger person. After the event, her son/my boyfriend tried to shift the blame on me, saying that I am taking one incident and making a generalization. However, this is not the first time she was rude to me-
it has been several times. His mom continues to coddle my boyfriend, and my boyfriend's son who is 21. Somehow a conversation about the grandson angrily breaking the door because he did not ask for permission to do something turns into a negative conversation
about me. I want to be with her son/ my boyfriend but I do not like how his mom and his 21-year old son treat me. Most importantly I do not like how I am treating myself. I feel like it is them against me, and I feel sad because if I leave I would be breaking
his trust and abandoning him again, and it would give him more ammunition to say his mom/family was right. What ways can I go about effectively handling this situation?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 1 year ago.
Hello-hoping to help with your question a little. It sounds like your situation is a very frustrating and hard to deal with. It is always hard when we feel that we are placed in the middle of a family situation like this. In a situation like this it is first important to know (which I am sure you do), that nothing you say or do will change his mother. That would make things easier but unfortunately can't. What we can do is deal with how we handle it. It sounds like you are making a lot of effort in trying to make a connection with her and the son despite their behavior and for that I think it shows how much you love and care for your boyfriend and also what a great heart you do have. Most importantly though is that you get treated with respect and look at how you can set some boundaries that allow you to be respected. To set these boundaries you need to talk with your boyfriend about how these situations make you feel. I know you mentioned that he will begin to side with them and blame you as well so I would talk with him at a time when you aren't around his family or even talking about his family. Just a time when you both are in a stable emotional state (hope that makes sense). Expressing your wants and needs to him is a must in this situation because you do not deserve to go through any of that abuse or mistreatment.