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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Meet my ex in September 2013. When we first met I thought she
meet my ex in September 2013. When we first met I thought she was a little too big because of my personal issues. I have always been a big guy myself and I have was teased about my weight problem all my life. So she wasn't the typical woman I normally dated.
At the end of the blind date (plenty of fish) we left each other. We weren't going to kiss but we did. Neither of us thought the other person liked each other. But some unseen force had us kiss. And it was the most Amazing kiss we ever had. We both said it was.
We continue to date but I wanted to proceeds with caution. For most of my life I only had one night stands. Or limited relationships. I was married once to a woman who married me only for a green card. I didn't know it at the time. But it shattered me. It made me feel that as a man, as a human being no one could ever truly love me. That physical attraction was it. And that made me into a bit of a womanizer.
The first two months I was with her I was a prick. I told her I wanted to wait four months before committing to a relationship. And I tried to make her jealous. However after the second month I realize that the impossible occurred. That a woman had finally loved me. We still continue to date, and enjoy ourselves together. However in feb 2014 she said she didn't believe we could go further and that she had started dating someone else.
Despite falling apart she continue to call me. Continue to show me that she cared and two months we got back together again. Well sex and dates, and the fact that we cared for each other profoundly. However she said we were no longer a couple. I couldn't explain what we were because it felt the same. Every day we text each other. Every day we said we missed each other. And I told her about my ex wife and why I was so scared to let her in.
Feb 2015 I go to Mardi Gras I call her every day: I'm traveling through Texas as well. Every day we text or talk. She's telling me how much she misses me. She wants to see fifty shades of Grey with me when I get back.
When I get back in March she is leaving for a meditation retreat. She tells me when we get back I'll see her. However she still feels like we are over as a couple. We agree to see other people but to tell each other if we are dating or sleeping another person.
I go on a date March 7. I call her after the date and she ask me if we kissed. She said If I kissed her that I would win the woman over because I'm a great kisser. I explained to her that although I kissed this woman I only thought of her. I loved her. I was changing because of her: that j wanted to grow old with her. And never touch a woman. She tells me that she can't know what the future is. Who knows If we'd get back together as a couple.
she gets back from her retreat. Sunday, Monday (April 22) we are talking about getting back together. On Wednesday I find out she has entered a committed relationship with a guy on Facebook: she had been dating a new guy the entire time and not saying anything. To me.
During the last five weeks I've been fighting for her love. Wondering why she hid this guy. Worse part is that she told him all about me. I knew nothing about him. Within 2 weeks as a couple he is writing that she is his soul mate. And I'm sure because he knows I want her back he is rushing the relationship.
She begins to push me out of her life. First removes me as a friend on Facebook: she won't block me... She told me she reads every Email I write her but hardly response . When she does not respond I call her, and she does answer me or calls me back. But she tells me she wants me to leave her life for 3 months or so. So she can concentrate on her. Before she got off the phone she said she and new boy friend were moving in together and getting a puppy. She told me that despite the fact that I treated her well when we were together she didn't think we could be friends. Due to her new boyfriend
I'm very stressed not only have I lost my soul mate, but also my best friend. Is this hopeless? Should I just give up.
1 year ago.
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replied 1 year ago.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
Sounds like she is wrestling with things within herself about how she feels about herself, you and even this other man. She knows how you feel and it scares her. The same way as her powerful feelings for you scare her. You have put out your desires, made attempts to reconcile and be together and she has pulled away.
So what to do? I would pull back...not to play a game, but rather to give her the time and space she has requested. She needs this time to figure out what she wants, needs and desires and she can only do that if she is not connected to you. She needs to miss you a bit, miss those texts, miss that constant. If you are always there, then she doesn't need to figure out that space.
I know you are in pain and I know you want her back. Give the time and space and let it all play out as it should.
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