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Ask DrJackiePhD Your Own Question

DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 347
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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Im an 18 yr old female. I need advice. So i like this guy

Customer Question

Hi im an 18 yr old female. I need advice. So i like this guy whos in his early 40s and was previously my teacher and he has younger kids and a wife and i know its morally wrong and considering im so young but idk what to do i really have feelings for him. We understand eachother and were so much alike and they way he looks at me and i look at him. There is a very strong connection but i dont know what to do
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
My gut says that this will not be something that is healthy for you and it won't go well for anyone involved.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert/counselor. And I want to help. I'll always give you my honest answer, no matter what. And I'm happy to go back and forth with you to help explain.
In short, yes, you already know it's morally wrong, at least in our "Western Cultural." And Christianity and other religions would frown on that as well.
Second, he may very well be attracted to you too. In fact, it sounds like he is. But morality aside, he is in his 40's and has kids--you are a young adult. It's cliché, but I'll say it anyway, "You have your whole life in front of you." And when I was your age, I thought I had my life figured out. I knew from my early teens that I was going to be professor/researcher and help people. And yet even with that said, I'm definitely not the same person now, two decades later into my career and with three children! :-) We constantly change; it would be a terrible ordeal if we remained the same person forever. But we dramatically change in our 20's--trying to figure out what career options/colleges to pursue, etc. And while I don't believe that age itself is a "deal breaker," I do believe that you two individuals are in different stages. Obviously he is established in his career and has family responsibilities--if not now, soon he will probably have sports and other activities with his kids.
If you do get closer and have sex, you may even share intimacy. But statistically, he is not going to leave his wife for you unless he is already unhappy to the point of filing for divorce. But even so, if you are as objective as possible, you are at different life stages. And I'm guessing you are mature for your age. Plus females at 18 generally speaking are more mature than males of the same age. Even still, do you see my point about the different places you are in?
Additionally, of course, you are likely to get hurt pretty badly the more time you spend together. Even if you are the "mistress on the side," you won't have him to yourself because of his other obligations. That isn't fair to you. And it's not fair to his wife and children.
If the point is that you are afraid you won't ever meet anyone like him and so you want to hang in there because he is unique, well, guess what? He IS unique. Everybody is. And believe it or not, no matter how you feel right now, you will be attracted to other men in the future. I don't want to see you or anyone else get hurt. You have too many opportunities and potential, I believe, to open yourself up to inevitable pain.
I hope this helps. Like I said at the beginning, I try to be direct and always honest and not sugar coat anything because I want you to understand WHY I'm giving the advice I give. Statistically according to studies, you just don't have good odds. And I know when love is concerned, many people like to forget numbers and odds. However, if the probable outcome in this situation is 95:5 that you will get hurt and that his family may also get hurt, I don't think you want those odds.
Please let me know if you want to Q&A more or perhaps set up a phone or Skype appointment. I'll send you that contact information so that you have it if you do want to make an appointment.
Please take good care,
--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thankyou for your advice its really making think about all of this. Just out of curiosity im not saying i would do anything but if say we got together on the down low do you think it would work or idk what do you think would happen?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
Hi again,
I am glad to hear that you are considering our suggestions. It is very hard to care for someone who cares about you too, I'm sure but already has others who care about him and are dependent on him.
Honestly (I promised to always be direct and honest based on experience and real research studies), it may be a satisfying affair...for awhile. But statistically speaking, he is not going to leave his family. So you would have to sneak around. And again, that could be fun...for awhile. But you probably wouldn't be able to go out in public--to restaurants or movies or anything like that for fear of running into somebody who knows him and would tell his wife. So it would pretty much be sex only.
That might sound OK for now, but usually good sex binds two people emotionally. And even though they might TRY hard to not have emotional strings/ties, usually the bonds are there. And you likely will want him to commit to you, which he probably won't be able to do. And then he may get more and more upset when you bring that up in conversation. Either way, the outcome is likely to be very painful for you--and perhaps for him also. And his if wife finds out, she will be very hurt. And she and the kids are innocent and don't deserve to be hurt.
I know--if you are very careful, no one but you and he will know. So that might be OK...again, for awhile. But even if the wife never finds out, will your conscience bother you? Will you try to get him to leave his wife? I will never tell any client what to do in a situation, but my recommendation is to walk away now before it gets so painful for you.
I hope that helps. I'm not judging you at all--I want to see you get someone who can commit to you fully, not just "on the side." :-)
--Dr. Jackie P.S. Please let me know if this helps by hitting ACCEPT. OR if you would rather chat more, please let me know.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You have helped me a great deal. Theres no one else i can really talk to about this.. Considering the circumstances but i have one last question. How do i just walk away and "get over it" because all i can do is think about it all..
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.
I am so sorry for the delay in answering. We were out of town for the past five days half way across the country due to a death in the family. We got back late last night.
Cognitive therapy is probably my best recommendation in terms of helping in this situation. Basically you work with a therapist to "re-train" your brain to think differently. If you don't want to do that, then you can try it on your own. It's basically talking your self into for getting/letting go and picturing yourself satisfied and happy. And it involves repetition. In other words, keep imagination yourself happy and you have to keep PICTURING your self happy. Basically it's like after you just spent a lot of money buying a new car. You might feel really down about spending so much, but you have to keep reassuring yourself you did the right thing because you know you needed a dependable car. After awhile, you finally convince yourself. So it is kind of like that.
You probably are familiar with the idea that if you tell yourself some thing long enough, you will believe it. Or better yet, although your situation is different, think of the chain liar--after telling the same lie over and over, he actually believes it himself. I definitely am not suggesting you are lying to yourself. You just have to keep reassuring yourself. I hope that makes sense.
Please take care. I look forward to chatting with you soon if you would like. And I will send you my contact information if you ever want to Skype or talk on the phone.
--Dr. Jackie

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