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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I am currently separted from my husband and our divorce will

Customer Question

I am currently separted from my husband and our divorce will be final in in july. i swear he is seeing this girl but both continue to say they are friends? why is this? the last two months we were sleeping together and doing things together as a family since we have a two year old. if he is seeing this girl why would he have done that stuff with me? he also asked to meet with our pastor to figure out steps to take to make this work and the night before our meeeting that girl was over there for dinner while he had my daughter over night.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I can understand why this situation with your soon to be ex-husband can be confusing, but perhaps they are only telling you they are friends because they did not want to cause any type of drama until the divorce. Or it could be possible that your husband may be only interested in sexual intercourse with her and you, so he is trying to keep a distance between you and this other girl by saying there is animosity so that this other woman does not find out that he has been sleeping with you while seeing her. Either way, since you both are going to finalize the divorce next month, does this really matter that much as you both can continue to be good parents to your daughter and live your own separate lives. And if he has been just interested in sexual intercourse with you and this other woman, then maybe you are better off since you would probably not want to be in a marriage, where someone can easily be unfaithful.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When i spoke to this girl on the phone i told her and sent her messages showing where had come over etc and she acted as though she didnt care. if they are just friends then why are they doing a lot of one on one stuff? he has mentioned many time he wants his marriage but it will be a slow process. i am just confused.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
he dog sits for her when she goes out of town he said she has met our daughter 3 times 2 times in public in a mutual place and other things. i do not see this has just friends so why are they still saying they are. this girl has all the text message of him sleeping with me, coming over and also how he said he wanted his marriage and to meet with pastor.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Friends can do "one on one stuff," as that is not uncommon. Maybe she is a sympathetic ear to him during this trying time as a divorce can be stressful on all parties involved. Maybe she truly is a good friend to him and they are not having relationship. I obviously have no way of knowing with 100 percent certainty since I have not met your husband or this other woman. But I would say that just because your husband and this woman spends a lot of time together does not mean there is necessarily a relationship. Now if she was sleeping over on multiple occasions than I believe your suspicions would be valid, but so far you have not mentioned if that was occurring or not.
The other possibility is that he may have lied to her and told her not to believe anything you have said and that is why she does not care. It is possible that she may be infatuated with your husband and will believe anything he tells her.
And the last possibility is that may be she does not care that he is sleeping with you and wants to continue the marriage with you because she only wants a no-strings attached relationship.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
but what i told her is no lie, because i screen shots with everything he has said to me the last two months that i felt was important. i do not know if she has been over at his over night or etc. why does he tell me that he wants to work on his marriage and take it slow and make it right, but never wants to hang out anymore doesn't call or text to say anything nice, is always mean me. he also has said many times i want my marriage and family but we are still getting a divorce? what would be the best way to give him a wake up call on what he is doing? i stopped all communication with him.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well I would recommend going to the pastoral counseling and bringing up all of these issues with the pastor because a third party can be very helpful in these situations. If he does not realize what he is doing in his behavior and will not listen to you when you try to talk to him, hopefully a third party will be a good wake-up call for him.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
we were suppose to meet with pastor this past Thursday and i did not show because the night before he was with that girl at his house. he still went with pastor but i doubt he told him the things he is doing. he prob bashed me and made me look bad. pastor told him some advice for him to ponder and also told him he needed to do whatever he could to keep this together but he has still showed no improvement. do u think not communicating with him will help him realize? also could they be hiding this because we are not divorced?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
he is also on match.com like seriously what is his problem and why do u think he says he wants his marriage but still wants the divorce?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well I said that was a possibility that he may be hiding a relationship to avoid drama until the divorce is finalized. As for stopping communication with him, I do not think that will help since you two are going to officially be divorced in a month. I would still recommend setting up another appointment with the pastor or a therapist and tell your side of the story, since that is the only way a third party can be objective.
He may only be saying that he wants his marriage so that he can feel somewhat guilt free about the divorce. Or he can be saying this to get a more favorable ruling on child custody. But if his actions have been mean towards you and is still moving forward with the divorce, than most likely his words are hollow and should not be taken at face value.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i am sure if i asked him to meet with me and pastor again he would say no so how could i make that happen? also child custody and everything else is already in place and ordered by the court so i do no think his reason for saying he wants his marriage but after the divorce is final because of that. i honestly think he is confused and does not know how to turn it around. not to mention he has left me 2 times in 10 months. another question how come he has not severed me with divorce papers yet if he really wants this divorce.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
It is not your job to make things happen, he has to choose to make things happen. You are only in control of your own behavior and actions, and so is he. If you suggest going back to the pastor and saying that you want to truly talk about this marriage and he says no, than that is his choice. Afterwards you can ask him if there is anyway you two can talk to a therapist or the pastor and then hopefully he will provide some insight that you two can discuss, but you cannot make him go with you as he must voluntarily choose to go.
If he is confused than he should seek out a couples therapist to help him be sure about his decision regarding the divorce or not, but typically an individual who is confused will not move forward with any divorce process and will stagnate. I cannot read his mind so I cannot tell you why he has not served you with divorce papers.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
makes since. i will ask him that next time i see him. i did text him on Friday which was the last time i text him or spoke to him and asked him to have his attorney jump on the divorce papers and get them to me as soon as possible. i told him i was over trying to make this marriage work and i wanted the divorce and even sent him a good bye letter and left it at that. he said ok to contacting his attorney and said he got my email. we shall see if he serves me soon. buy its weird because as much as he has done to me and stuff and no matter how many times i say i am done i still want my marriage. why is it so hard for me to move on from?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
It hard to accept any marriage ending, no matter the circumstances. You both have shared a lot and built up part of your lives together, so what you are experiencing is not unusual. Also you two have been sleeping together and you had hoped the marriage could be repaired as well, so that makes it harder too. It will get easier for you as the divorce starts to settle in, if that is the route you both choose, it just takes time.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
in my mind i want the divorce but my heart still hurts. I just wish i knew if he was serious on divorce or what. i just wish he would stopping being me and telling me lies and really take the steps to work on this if this is really what he wants. that what i do not understand.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Well I cannot tell you exactly why he is not taking the right steps to try to repair the marriage as I do not know your husband nor can I read your mind, but you have to do what you feel is right as you can only control your own actions and behaviors. You cannot keep wondering what he wants or what he is going to do, you have to take initiative for yourself and do what you feel is best.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
ok thank you anything u think would help?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Right now I would ask him again about pastoral counseling and then you can be there and say your side of the story. If there is any hope left for the marriage, there will have to be communication and pastoral counseling may be helpful in that area if you both trust the pastor involved. Or couples counseling with a professional therapist could be helpful too. I know you are upset by his behavior, but not telling an objective third party your side does not do you any favors, so try to bring it up with him again and see if he will agree. And if you are too frustrated by his behavior and inconsistencies than you may have to move forward with your life and go through with the divorce for your own sake as you cannot wait forever for him to take the correct steps.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
ok. I do not know if you will know this answer but can he serve me divorce papers anytime during the separation or does it have to be exactly one year from the day we separated?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Unfortunately I am not a lawyer, so I do not know the answer to that question. I am sure it also depends on what state you are in too as I imagine every state has different laws regarding the divorce process.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
ok thank you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
You are most welcome, I wish you all the best :)
*If you are satisfied with my answer, I would appreciate it if you can provide me with a positive rating so that I can receive credit for helping you today. Thank you