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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hey! I am a guy and about a year ago me and my girlfriend broke

Customer Question

Hey! I am a guy and about a year ago me and my girlfriend broke up. I miss her a lot since and wondering what I could do to convince her to give us another shot.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
I would like to help with your question.
Can you tell me a little about why you both broke up and how long you both were together? Have you both had any contact since and if so how did that go?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Jen,Thanks for helping. Some more information:- We dated for 4 years or so (3 years of that in college) and then we moved to east/west US coast separately where we continued our long distance relationship for another year.
- We had an amazing relationship and were deeply in love.
- Towards the end we had some disagreements (which eventually resolved themselves) but she felt like she doesn't feel the same spark as before. Hence she took a break and eventually said she wanted to move on.
- Since the breakup 1 year ago, we have been in touch. She initially said she wanted me to stay in her life still, even though she didn't want to date me again.
- She is currently dating (although not seriously from what I can tell, OkCupid etc)
- She told me a few months ago that I was an amazing part of her life and she wishes me well.
- More recently she has been a little quiet and unresponsive towards me though in our messages.Overall, I am wondering if I should ask her again if she wants to consider dating again. I am not sure if that would come across weirdly or not, especially since I dont know if she is seriously dating someone else or not.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for explaining. Asking her would never hurt because the worse that could happen is she would say No, but if you don't ask then you will never know. I think one of the problems is the distance. It is extremely difficult to maintain a long distance relationship. Also, if she was complaining about the spark then she may have not been ready for a committed relationship and could have had unrealistic expectations. In the beginning of a relationship is when you have butterflies in your stomach and etc. However, as the relationship progresses one may not have that, but that does not mean the feelings are not there. Relationships grow on deeper levels and change. Unfortunately lots of people get caught up with the beginning phase and when that is over they do not know how to maintain and think they need to move on. I would try discussing everything with her as well as your feelings. Being so far limits your options, so I would advise being open and honest through conversation. The hardest part is rejection, but if you are okay with that possibility then I would definitely let her know how you feel. You never know she may feel the same way and afraid to tell you since she broke it off.
I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok that is encouraging. Do you think I should ask her if she is actively dating anyone before telling her all this? I just don't want to come across as asking her to dump whoever she might be seeing to be with me
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I wouldn't ask her that. I would not put road blocks. It is just your part to let her know your feelings and her part to protect her relationship if she is currently seeing someone. If she is seriously with someone she will let you know, but if she is dating and truly wants to be with you then that casual dating will not hold weight. She will then tell you and possibly end it if it were to go that route. The point is I would not worry about things that is up to her rather just do your part. As for now you do not know if she is dating anyone. If she tells you she is then you can kindly let her know that you do not want to step in their way.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Makes sense. Thank you so much!
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
No problem :)
It is my pleasure and hope it all works out in your best interest!

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