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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3124
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My husband and I recently separated (It's been about a month).

Customer Question

My husband and I recently separated (It's been about a month). The reason we are separated isn't by my choice, but rather, he disappeared one day and never returned home. After six days of waiting for him, I was asked by his relative to leave the house. I packed what little I own, grabbed all three of our children, and left as requested. I now live with a relative of mine and have very little to take care of the children with - we are running out of money, have lost a great deal of our possessions, and the children are taking this situation very hard; They cry often because they want to see their dad.
Two days after I left the house and moved in with my relative, I received a text from my husband saying he missed me incredibly much, but his sadness and missing me seems to have burnt out quickly because he has ignored me for days, will speak to me here and there, goes back to ignoring me for days again. In turn to this, he refuses to give me any answers in regarding what happened, why, and what we are even going to do when it comes to staying together, divorcing, the children, and more.
I also learned not long ago that I am pregnant and around five months along, which has made this situation seem even more difficult. I text him to let him know and he seemed supportive with it, but after an hour of talking to him, he went back to ignoring me. Our oldest son needs to be in a stable environment where he can begin school in a few months and my husband has confused me and occasionally ignored me to the point where I don't know what to do. Any and all decisions I make are wrong to him; seem to make him mad or just outright ignore me.
Throughout my marriage, my husband had an issue with drinking. I know that drinking is what he's not only been doing every day that I've been away, but its one of the reasons he disappeared. His friends enable his drinking and encourage it, while I just simply wanted to have my family together. He believes drinking is what makes him a man and will not look into any programs for help, so when I'm offered that idea - its a dead end solution.
How can I better communicate with him? He seems so confused that he's confused me in so many ways.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.
Hi and welcome. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I am so sorry to hear of this very painful situation. Clearly he is not making any rational decisions and truly can't if he is actively drinking. His disease is out of control and he won't get help. so when he is ignoring you, it appears he is out drinking and sleeping it off and doing it all again. It is almost impossible to have any rational conversations with anyone that is so active in his drinking.
So, what to do? The only thing you can do is care for yourself and kids. You cannot make him stop drinking..only he can make that choice for himself. I would suggest that you and the kids get yourself in Al-Anon so that you have the support while going through such a traumatic and ongoing situation. It is you that needs the support and care since he won't hear of it for himself. Please care for yourself and start with Al-Anon.
I await your response.
Jen

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