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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 363
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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My name is***** month ago I was dating someone I really

Customer Question

Hi, My name is***** month ago I was dating someone I really care about and all of a sudden we got a sexual infection. At that time we acted very maturely about it. We went under tests and we got our treatments, everything went well. We obviously discussed the origin of this. We both dated people a month prior to having sex but since we had unprotected sex we never knew who was the responsible. A month after we broke up. He never included that episode amongst the reasons for finishing but I know it took its toll. Actually after that we never had sex again like before... We broke up. But I was intrigued and contacted the person I had sex with before him, and yes, he admitted he had an STD. Now I know the truth. My question is... Should I tell my ex what really happened? If yes, when would it be a right time?
I love him so bad and I feel he got a bit scared. He is not even out of the closed. I don't want to destroy the little hope that I might see him some day.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He is 22. And I am 34. He is attracted to more mature people.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. I want to help.
I'm so sorry you broke up with someone you really cared about. Since you know the truth, yes, I would tell him. You care about him still, and he should know the truth. But also to answer your question, you may want to wait until you see if you can start dating again. This is not something that you just blurt out.
I don't see any other reasons listed for why you broke up, but I think you are right--the infection probably was one major source. It breaks up gay, straight, and bi-sexual couples all the time. So you are definitely not going through this as a rare thing. But the good news is that you both are treated and I am assuming doing much better--that is good news! Why don't you see if you can meet him for a drink or coffee or lunch--something that isn't quite as obvious as a date like dinner or movie, etc. A drink or coffee or lunch might be a place to start to admit how you feel about him, that you miss him, and that you would be willing to take it slowly and see if you can build something. If he agrees, once you start dating, you will find the right time to tell him, like before you become intimate again.
If he just does not want to date right now, then ask to see him anyway for a drink or any other options so that you can tell him face-to-face. This is not really something you text or FB or Skype about, right? I think you would feel better telling him. So in short, I would try to see if there is still something to build a relationship on. If so, then you can tell him before you become intimate. If there is no chance, then in my opinion, you should meet and tell him anyway. At least he will know that his previous partner didn't give it to him.
I hope this makes sense. I'll send you my phone and Skype info if you want to discuss this more. Or you can write back if you want more answers/more information.
I wish you the best!
--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it.
He told meabout sharing a coffee a few days ago... He is not contacting me now but eventually he might do it. When all that happened we moved on, but I think we were in the shadow of how come? He traveled, immediately after, and when he came back he was distant, sexually uninterested... Till I asked what is going on? Are we ok?
Only then he found a way to express certain feelings. I did not mentioned but from the very beginning we knew it was mend to end because he was moving to a different city in a matter of a month -ish. So the reason he expressed for the break up were "I am in a serious relationship, and I wanted to avoid this at this moment of my life", also "I am having that relationship with a man". "We are going to get hurt when I have to leave..." He said, I like you and I am interested in you but am leaving. I always had the feeling that the infection issue also took it's toll... I will wait for that coffee, or for an opportunity to talk to him in person regardless when that is possible. I want to be honest. And more importantly I want him in my life, even as a friend. What do you think?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi again,
I wanted to write you back to let you know I have to get to a family gathering for Memorial Day but I'll try to write back tonight with my thoughts on this post! :-)
--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much. Have a nice one Jackie. See you then.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi Ivan,
Our family get-together lasted a bit longer into last night, so unfortunately by the time we got home and got our three little ones to bed, I thought I would close my eyes for 5 minutes and be able to write you back. I crashed and didn't wake up--so sorry about that.
OK just to make sure I understand--when the two of you met, you knew it was only a temporary thing because he was moving to another city, right? Also, again just to be clear, he has been involved in another relationship, a pretty serious relationship? If I understand correctly, and he was already committed to another person, then do you think in his mind when you two got together that you were an affair? I do not mean that at all in a disrespectful way to you--I'm just trying to figure out what he may have been thinking when you met and he was attracted to you. And I certainly do not believe after what you have shared that you were "just an affair"--I just mean that perhaps in his mind it started that way, he developed "more-than-affair feelings for you," then things got very complicated when you two had the infection, etc.
Do you think maybe things unfolded as I am suggesting? If so, then he probably is right about it being so hard to let go--knowing a long distance relationship would be difficult, etc.
Let me ask this--do you think he is still committed to this man you mentioned? I mean, if he is moving (or already has moved?) to the new city, he is essentially in the same boat of having a long distance relationship. And let me at least give you some stats--long distance relationships don't have to be as unsatisfying as one may think. If you can video chat and make time for that as much as possible...if your relationship grows, you can find ways to save money to travel to each other and eventually maybe even be together. The distance allows the relationship to grow at an even pace without the every day "drama" of getting irritated about who takes out the trash, walks the dog, leaves the toothpaste cap off, etc. So studies show that long distance relationships CAN be as satisfying or MORE satisfying if both persons are committed to one another.
So, if he is having second thoughts about the other individual, it is possible to keep in contact and maybe have a long distance relationship. I don't want to keep your hopes up. But certainly your ex has questioned his own commitment to the other man or else he would not have been involved with you. So please do communicate as soon as possible. You need to know one way or another if he is "over" this other relationship or if he is still in it, if he is willing to keep in contact long distance and see how things go, etc. If it is over, you deserve closure so that you can "grieve" and work through this and be kind to yourself and eventually be able to want to date again.
I hope that makes sense. I should be on and off JA today, so feel free to write back.
I wish you the best--I know it must be very hard given everything you have been through with this special person in such a short amount of time. And you deserve to know what he is feeling!
Take good care,
--Dr. Jackie
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 2 years ago.
Hi Ivan,
I see you haven't rated our chat or "ACCEPTED." If I haven't helped, would you please give the opportunity to answer with more detail? I strive for 100% customer satisfaction. So I want to make sure I am helping, and if not, I want to try harder.
I hope you have considered some things and are doing OK or better than OK! :-)
--Dr. Jackie