Thank you for your response. I do understand that I'm very critical and judgmental of him, and that is the big problem. It wouldn't be fair to him to enter into a marriage while feeling this way. It would be setting us up for failure.
Do you have any suggestions for how I might learn to respect the traits of his that I don't like? After 2 years of struggling, counseling, reading, and numerous conversations, I haven't yet managed to overcome that hurdle.
Beyond this, we have some qualities that are supposed to be typical predictors of divorce. Money might be the biggest. He spends, and I save. If we were to get married, it feels like I would be jumping right into damage control for his life. My dad is a rock: stable, practical, sensible. My ex is impulsive, and he rarely thinks things through. It feels like jumping into a boat with a hole in the bottom.
It's hard to know whether I would feel the same way with someone else. This was my first serious relationship; however, I did have concerns about his character before we ever started dating. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am very hard on myself. I've wondered in the past if one of the reasons I'm so hard on him is that he's so close to me.
We are both 30 years old. I know that isn't particularly old, but I do want to have kids. I don't want to waste more of his or my time, and judging from the past 2 years, I could pretty easily remain in this limbo for the rest of my life.
Is there anything I can do to help determine whether to stay or let go?
Thank you. Is there something specific that caused your answer to change from the first to the third message? I am just trying to fully understand. Could I reasonably expect to be able to oversome these negative perceptions of him with enough time and work? I haven't fully given myself to being back in a relationship with him, mostly because I don't want to waste his time. I even thought I might be pregnant back in February, and while I thought that might be jarring enough to bring up how I really feel, one way or the other, it didn't. I went back and forth between feeling trapped and feeling relieved the decision was out of my hands, that my job was now to make the most of this relationship no matter what happened, and even excited about going on this adventure with him. Then trapped again (Oh no, I don't know about him, what have I gotten myself into?).
My answer has evolved as it seems to be that the issues and feelings you have about his particular traits may be hard to live with. I do think that continued work on yourself around this critical piece will be good for you so that this doesn't occur in each relationship.