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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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My domestic partner of 10 1/2 years and the father of my 2

Customer Question

My domestic partner of 10 1/2 years and the father of my 2 kids has been seeing someone else on and off for the past 2 years . Now he tells me he has feelings for her and wants to pursue . He tells me he loves me and still wants to do things with me and doesn't wanna sever the relationship . First he said he needed space , he's confused and if we can work on us now it's he wants to pursue her. He's taking me to a concert next month , I told him to take her but he said he doesn't want to . This woman who is 36 has kids and her husband supposedly cheated on her and couldn't take it anymore I'm just confused why she would deal with this situation . I moved out a couple of weeks ago but go back and forth to his house which is still mines also , a couple a weeks ago I went there to get something and realized the closet door was close after I had followed him into the room and I opened up the closet door and she was hiding in there so I pulled her out and assaulted her . She claims she is scared for her life but continues to see and talk to him . Why would she want to continue on with someone who has to deal with me for the next 14 years because of kids if she is so afraid and can just walk away from the situation when she has no tides with him?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I believe I may be able to help you with your concern. So it would be impossible for me to tell you exactly what this woman is thinking and why she is staying with your partner because I cannot read her mind, but it is possible she sees this relationship with your partner as a second chance at love given what she has gone through with her husband. Also maybe she thinks the relationship you have with your partner may not last (your partner could have inferred this or it is possible she may just be hopeful of this) and that is why she is staying around to be with your partner to see where it goes. No matter what her reasons are, you should not be concerned with what her motivations are since they are something you cannot control. Instead focus on your relationship with your partner and what you and he can do to try to repair the relationship if it is possible. I realize he is pushing you away and stating that he needs space and that he wants to be with you and her, but at some point you are going to have to make a decision on what you want in the relationship and what you feel is best for you and your children. What you choose to do and how to move forward is completely in your control and that should be your focus.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I wish you all the best no matter what happens, but I do hope that your partner will recommit to the relationship to you soon.
My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. If I answered your question satisfactorily I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Does it sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too ? I want to move on but , it's hard when you have kids involved and still have to see him everyday because of the kids they are only 4 and 8 .
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.
From your description it does sound like your partner want to "have his cake and eat it too," as he wants to continue his relationship with you, but also wants to see this other woman. This is not about space or being confused on what to do from his perspective, but instead he sees this other woman as making him happy and you making him happy, so he wants to keep you both, and is not showing a lot of empathy for what that means for you or for the other woman.
My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. If I answered your question satisfactorily I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

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