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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello! Im not fond of doing online dating (not sure anyone

Resolved Question:

Hello!

I'm not fond of doing online dating (not sure anyone really is), but I met this girl off pof last week. I'm 24 and she's 22. I think I may have come on too strong and she may have lost interest. Here's the story:
We started talking on Sat, 11/9, got her number the next night I asked her if she wanted to go out for coffee or a drink on Tuesday night to watch the Rangers/Devils game. She's a Devils fan and I'm a Rangers fan, which sparked the conversation and how we hit it off. She said she couldn't because she was working. She works 5-6 days/nights (mostly nights) serving at a restaurant with very weird hours, as I work in construction M-Sat 7-3:30. There was no counteroffer so I said no problem, maybe we could do coffee or a drink later in the week. She said, "Yeah coffee would be nice too :)." So I had to ask what day was good for her and she said Thursday. We texted back and forth a good amount from when I got her number up until the time we went out on Thurs. Each day that we have talked she brought up at some point she was getting sick (just keep that in mind). We ended up going out for coffee and dinner on Thurs, 11/14. The date went great, we had so much in common, no awkward silences and I ended up kissing her twice at the end of the date. To say it loosely, she was really into me. I think she does have a little bit of low-self esteem because she kept asking me if I had a good time. We texted that night, joked, flirted and everything. She said she had a great time too. She said we wanted to hang out again and it wouldn't matter what we did. She told me to text her the next day when I could if I wanted to and I did. I really hate talking over text because you can't get a good read of the person. So now here is the part over text that I became confused by. Lemme know if I came on too strong or not. This is part of the conversation Friday, 11/15 when I asked her when she was free again:

Me: So how does your work schedule look like when you're free again?
Her: I won't get next week's schedule until tomorrow so I'm not sure.
Me: Ok yeah let me know and we can plan another hang out. I don't even care what we do haha.
Her: Okay sounds good!
Me: Cool! I'm looking forward to it. Last night was a lot of fun and you impressed me haha.
Her: Me too!! How did I impress you??
Me: Haha where should I start? You know how to hold a conversation. You're extremely funny. Very similar sense of humor to mine. You like hunting and country music. I've never met a girl that is interested in those things, and I think I would enjoy those experiences.
Her: Aw thank you that's really sweet :)

I know I'm an idiot. The only reason why I said that was because she kept questioning herself the night before and I wanted to make sure she knew I was interested. Did I scare her off my saying that she impressed me?

Anyway, next morning on Saturday she deleted her profile off of pof. No not hidden or blocked, deleted. I've left mine up and haven't asked her about why she deleted hers. During our date she did say that I was a gentleman and all the guys on that site send her very crude messages. So I'm wondering did she delete her profile because of all he crude messages and she wants to focus on possibly something developing with me? Or did I scare her off of online dating? She also did not let me know on Saturday about her schedule, when she said ok sounds good! Maybe she wants me to pursue her since I'm the guy??

Since then, I've reached out to her to see how she was feeling and each time she says not good. But we still are flirting all the time. Then Monday I asked her how she was and how her day was going and she said she was feeling very sick and at work. Then I asked her this:

Me: I'm doing good, at work too. That's rough you still aren't feeling well. I was wondering though if you're up to it, if you wanted to have a crafts/movies night this week? We can also grab dinner too. (during our date she said she loved making crafts and movies and wanted to do that with me)
Her: Yea it sucks I feel like I'm in a fog :/ I'll have to see my schedule is pretty crazy this week.
Me: Ok sure thing
Me: My bad I came on too strong
Her: Not at all I just feel really crappy and have a full work schedule this week.
Me: Oh ok, understandable. I guess disregard that text haha. Did I mention I'm an idiot sometimes haha.
Her: Haha it's ok

Once again like the first time I asked her out for the Rangers/Devils game, no counteroffer. Maybe she is the type of girl to not counteroffer and wants the guy to plan everything. We talked a little bit more Monday night, but didn't talk yesterday and so far not today either. I've been in two long-term relationships in the past five years and am not good at being single. I'm good at being a boyfriend. I'm wondering if I screwed this up and she is just blowing me off or is she really still not feeling well and has a crazy work schedule?

Thanks you!
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think I can help you with this situation. please give me a minute to reread your message, is that fine?

Customer:

Hey Rafael, I'm Ryan. Thanks a lot for reviewing my question. I know it is a bit long.

Customer:

Yes, absolutely.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you, Ryan

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see it has become challenging for you to read this person's behaviors.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You just met recently , right?

Customer:

Yeah I'm really not sure right now. She did say not at all when I said my bad I came on too strong. Yes we met last Thursday.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

So you do not know much about each other but from what you have shared in this short period of time, correct?

Customer:

Yes, just one date so far.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I see is that you showed her you are really interested and you wanted to work on it without delay, and this behavior could be taken as very proactive and passionate, as fine or pushy, depending on how the person happens to think, feel and what she has learned from previous relationships.

Customer:

Yeah that's what I was thinking. I don't want to ask her where do we stand you know. But I also don't want to waste my time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see anything wrong in your behavior. i see you took initiatives and she responded well, taking your invitations when she felt ready and available and that you did have a great time in your first date, and that your communication has shown the same interest for each other.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have just started to share, to explore and learn about each other, then it is too soon for you to know how good match you could be, first you have to know each other well enough, by sharing, then you will find out if it does work for you or not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right now I do not see anything wrong, and she could be just honest about her schedule, stress and health or not, you will know with time, please be patient, it seems to be absolutely worthy, you just do not want to undermine your chances with this person in case you have what is needed to make it work.

Customer:

Yeah I know and I'm trying to get to know her, but I also don't want to push her away like you said. I am trying to be patient. But she never afforded any counteroffer to "I'll have to see." Like," I do want to see you maybe this week, but this week may not work for me, if not that's do next week." She never said anything like that, so I do not want to push her. I think I should just leave it up to her to reach out to me at this point? Haha I don't know, this stuff can be so confusing at times.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to calm down and come to terms with the fact that healthy and fulfilling relationships start by being patient, respectful of boundaries, and giving each other time to explore and learn about each other, otherwise you would just be acting out impulses without knowing how the other person thinks, feels, what she wants and expects from you, and without that it would be impossible for you to truly respect her and play a healthy and nice role in what you share.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Give her time, she already know you want to see her, but you also need to show how well you care, understand and support her. Right now she is telling you she is very stressed because of her work schedule. Then always offer if there is anything you could do to support her. Then just wait for her to get back to you about it. If you keep regular communication, then keep it, be consistent with it, without being pushy. then in the following days and weeks you will know from her actions, availability and openness to share or not if she is really interested or not.

Customer:

Ok, that does make a lot of sense. I'll give her some more space, and maybe text her tomorrow to see how she is.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best way you can show a person you really care, and are serious about your feelings and intentions is to respect her boundaries, showing empathy, understanding, patience and support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect!

Customer:

Ok thanks Rafael!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Situations like this could be very challenging but with time you will gain experience and confidence and know how to better cope with the challenges dating presents. Just be open to learn from your experiences, specially from the tough and painful ones, and you will never regret any, since you will get wiser and more assertive from them.

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

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