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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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kate, I am interested in getting your opinion on one

Resolved Question:

kate,
I am interested in getting your opinion on one other item. However please be aware that I am in no rush whatsoever and can wait. this doesn't have to be answer today.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
That sounds good. Sorry, my computer crashed as I was trying to respond to you (again, second time this week!) and I was working on getting back up and running.

Whenever you are ready :)

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

okay I'm in no rush and whenever you're up to replying I will wait. I just want to know if further detachment is possible in time. I've been working very hard even though he is trying to suck me in with control and passive aggressive type behaviors. I started out the weekend with being very into taking care of my own needs and emotionally detached from him. He seemed to have come up to my room several times to get my attention on an item that he was talking about. (He never does that so I thought he felt that controls slipping away from him) It was hard for me to believe that what he was talking about was the agenda (car insurance)rather it was probably more about control. In time, after an entire weekend of subtle and not so subtle abuse, mostly emotional got to me in and I let him have it. I really let him have it and that affecting my health at the end of the weekend. Just when I thought I was doing great being detached I slip backwards. I just want to know if in time I can master this better

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
It may help you to set up boundaries with him with this pattern of behavior. He seems to be trying to get your attention just when you are cut off emotionally from him. That is like a small child trying to get you to pay attention to him. And he seems to do it enough that he gets you to lash back at him. Like someone picking at you until you finally push back. He may want you to do that so he feels he has control.

What you can do is set a boundary in the very beginning, before he can start to bother you. So if you start out being able to set a boundary emotionally, then keeping that is important. When he does come to you trying to get your attention, tell him that you are busy and that you will talk to him when you have time. If you need to, set a physical boundary such as closing a door or even leaving your home.

Anytime you feel he is trying to get you upset, set up some kind of boundary. That is going to help you maintain control and feel less likely to "give in" to his abuse.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Thank you. Every time I set a boundry, he finds a way to violate it. Its a stressful way to live.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
There is nothing wrong with telling him outright that you can't deal with him right now. And stopping him each time he tries to talk to you. Do you feel that he might try to work over that?

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Yes, in his passive aggressive behaviors, non cooperation, sulking, simple issues becoming chaos, refusing to acknowledge or admit the obvious, ignoring my existance, insensitive to my suffering of disease. Wont put things away, anddeliberately out things in the wrong place, or makes an unusual amount of noise in the kitchen, slams doors, or best one I like the most is spend hours in thebackyard.When I must set a boundry, its so constant, that it becomes the only type of interaction we have. Almost like parent, child. Now, its a

His sarcastic...yes mam. The" yes mam" is his disrespect, but also his way of trying to turn the tables, as though I am the demanding one. further detachment is crutial, because it affects my pain level.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

He works over that because he has so many abusive tactics up his sleeve. He will push and push. I wonder how this will play out long term.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

But the kicker is he feels like the victim.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
He does seem to have a lot of maladaptive behaviors in order to gain your attention.

One of the best ways to deal with his behavior is to practice ignoring it. And to see him as you would a child of yours. So for example, if he puts things away wrong, then just put it in the right place, just as you would if he were your child. If he says Yes, Ma'am, then nod and go on with your day. The more you get upset or acknowledge what he does, the more he knows he has control. This takes practice. You may slip up a lot in the beginning. But once you learn how to ignore your emotions around him and keep control, the better you will feel.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Okay, I will work on it. My health depends on it. Thsnks for your time. Good day . Its much appreciated Kate.:)

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
Anytime, Dee! I know this is hard. Be good to yourself and let yourself have time to adjust. One of the hardest things to deal with is someone you are in a relationship with that has a personality disorder. It is stressful and overwhelming. So take your time and do what you need to do in order to take care of you.

Talk to you soon!

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

weather is traits of a disorder or the actual disorder itself, I think you would agree that the effects are the same. I know the diagnostic criteria talked about tha pervasive e facpattern which means a cross the border in all settings and I don't know if that's true for him

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

and besides this disorder he doesn't seem to truly care love or be concerned aboutme

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
You are right, it is hard to tell. Without an evaluation, you are only guessing at whether or not he has traits or the full diagnosis. But it helps to just assume that he does have a personality issue in general and work on that basis. That way, you can know how to respond. And you can learn more about it so you feel less stressed by his responses to you. And it also explains why he is so focused on his own needs and doesn't pay attention to yours. That is a trait of someone with a personality disorder- self centered behavior.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Yes! Plus the lack of empathy. Sigh.. I wont take any more of your time today. Thanks Kate xo

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
Hey, no problem :) I understand. I have people in my life too that struggle with personality disorders and it is no picnic. Sometimes there is just no words for how hard it can be!

Take care,

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Sorry to hear that. You know full well about it. Kate, are you able to 'detach' successfully and mimize its effects?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
That is how I approach the relationships in my life, yes. I try to be kind and I do talk to the person, but I also keep any emotional response to myself no matter what they do until I am somewhere safe and with others I trust to be supportive. I also set boundaries as needed, though sometimes that is difficult to do. That is why I sympathize with you- I understand how hard it is. And how important taking care of yourself really is. It can feel like it goes against your instinct to shut down when dealing with the person and to focus on yourself, but it is the best way to feel better and keep yourself intact emotionally. Otherwise, you will become drained emotionally.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Yes, share with those you truly trust, or those who have earned it. Keep boundries. Yes, very draining, and it does go against instinct which is part of the reason its draining. Just having to be constantly protective and on guard in order not to get hurt. I will believe that I can get better at this. Thank you. You certainly understand with depth.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
You're welcome, Dee. I could not have said it better myself!

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Its hard to fathom a human beings need to devalue in order to feel a sense of power. I think true strength comes from valuing others. Who knows

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
I agree. Often, these issues are formed in childhood and due to lack of insight, stay ingrained. It is a way to cope, although it is a harmful one.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I see, and even worse when the mal adaptive patterns are denied and perpetuated, (unchanged)causing life long harm to self and others

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
That is what makes personality disorders so hard to treat. It can be done, but it is intense work. Maybe someday your husband might see he needs to talk to someone, but until then, you can only focus on helping yourself.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5423
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Thanks Kate. Its a slim chance, I wont hold my breath. Ive enjoyed talking to you. I appreciate all the support, empathy and wjsdom you have offered. Your time as well.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 8 months ago.
You're welcome. I am glad I could be here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

Kate

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