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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Kate, I had trouble writing on the previous post for

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    .....other statements which felt were in defense of him was that .....oh well you know dad can't talk about it because it's too painful and he had a hard life.  Well who didnt?


he also said its like me going to the therapist for the first time the he tells me I'm depressed straightforward.  I don't understand how any of these examples are related to why my husband lied to me about the alcoholism.  


 


Kate, I had trouble writing on the previous post for some reason. I asked him to change a few light bulbs. He said Dad will do it. I said, no he wont. He said..I will text him. That's when I told him his dad was playing games and that he was claiming that there's enough light in the kitchen and its a waste of money. I tried not to elaborate and the subject was dropped. at another point he was telling me how my husband admitted to him that he had an alcoholic father. I said really

Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
It sounds like your son understands his father well. He seems to get that his father adapts his answers to whomever he is speaking to at the time and that his past was hurtful to him (his father). He also seems to feel that his father's past explains some of why he acts as he does. And that his father feels telling you the truth is not ok because of how your marriage is. Your son seems to have a lot of insight into his father, more than most people understand.

I hope once you told him that your husband would not change the light bulbs that your son was able to understand your need and help you.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Thank you Kate. Even if there is truth in what he is saying, its hard for me to feel that justifies my husbands lies to me. My husband denied it many times when it came up. I also felt that he was defending his father too much

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
Sorry Dee, I did not get the second part of your question until I posted my answer.

It sounds like your son is defending his father. I can see how it seems that way. And he may be. He might feel bad for what his dad went through as a child and feel sympathy. That is a good sign. And if your husband has not hurt your son the same way he hurt you, your son may be able to feel more sympathy with him. But it doesn't take away from your relationship with your son. That is a separate thing and one that you can develop even deeper as time goes on. Although you do not feel the same things for your husband that your son does, he probably appreciates you letting him have his opinion on what is going on with his father. The more you let him share and try to be as open as you can, the more your son will come to you with his feelings. It is not easy on you, I know. It would not be easy to hear sympathy from your son for your husband who hurt you badly. Be sure to set limits where you need to, such as telling your son you appreciate his feelings then refocusing the conversation on what you want to talk to your son about.

It also does not justify your husband lying to you, I agree. Your husband should at least tell you the truth. But it sounds like that is part of his issues. He is unable to be truthful with most people and seems particularly interested in hurting you. The more you can move away from his issues emotionally, the less that will affect you. You can do that by telling yourself each time that your husband has problems that have nothing to do with you and he is responsible for them on his own. You are not responsible for them. Focus on your needs and taking care of yourself as much as you can.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Great information Kate. Thank you much.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
You're welcome!

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