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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My girlfriend (gf) and I have been dating for 1.5 yrs. Were

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My girlfriend (gf) and I have been dating for 1.5 yrs. We're both 40+, divorced with children. We started telling each other that we love each other a few months before that, with the whole pet names like baby, lover, etc..... Back about 8 months ago, I found some texts that she was sending back and forth with one of her childhood guy friends. At the time, I had never met him. The texts included similar pet names she used for me, and they even were telling each other they loved each other. Now I know my GF is not a run around. She is a good person seriously. But I got mad and made her realize how inappropriate that was. She understood.... I randomly would check her phone (without her knowing) to see what was up with that guy, and he would randomly text her stuff, and she wouldn't really give him the time of day. My GF and I got in an argument and didn't talk for roughly a week, last week. (I have a previous post, from last week detailing what happened) Well, when we started talking again, I notice that they are texting each other again, including love you, xoxoxo, blowing kisses etc.... Now I met this guy earlier this year, and he's not very physically attractive, in fact he's just pretty fat... But I care more about any kind of emotional connection there. It hurts me and makes me mad. When I saw the text pop up, she blew it off and said you can read them if you want. I'm going to take her up on that tonight, with her knowing I am looking. I already did see the lovey-dovey speak between them, so I know it's there... How can I approach this tactfully, because part of me wants to show her how serious it is and walk out... But there's a big part of me that knows it's probably harmless. BUT I WANT TO LET HER KNOW HOW STUPID IT IS, HOW IT HURTS ME, HOW ITS INAPPROPRIATE... He's 43 yrs old, single, never been married, he's a scammer. I know his type, he would sleep with her if he could... So all this texting is him trying to get her... I know it.. But sitting behind the curtain of we're just friends, I'm happy for you, blah blah... It's not right. It's not what she should be doing. I don't want to end this, but I can't have that going on in the backround. Please help me with some insight. -Chris

Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear XXXXX,

I believe that I can help with this situation.


Your girlfriend is emotionally cheating on you and she demeans all of the lovey-dovey things and pet names that she gives you by also giving them to her friend, whom she treats like her other boyfriend.

It is very telling that, when you and she have an argument, rather than working it out with you, she instead goes running to her other "boyfriend".

Right now this relationship is not more than emotional.

However, I agree with you that he is courting her and is looking to move this relationship onto another level.

I agree. It is hurtful, immature, and perhaps even spiteful.

Perhaps her self-esteem is so low that she needs additional bolstering. In any case, she is certainly not taking your feelings into consideration.

I recommend that you talk to her and tell her how much you love her and care for her, and tell her how this relationship is hurting you to the point that you have been considering breaking up with her.

It is not harmlesss if it depresses you and drives you to feeling hurt and uncomfortable.

Tell her that this flirtatious relatinship is pushing your relationship with her towards a cliff - a point of no return. Tell her that this is not a threat, but a reality of what her actions are doing to your feelings about the relationship and if she continues then you will probably bow out gracefully, because you have reached the end of your endurance. You feel that you can not overcome this by just continuing to take it.

Tell her that if it is so important to her, then you will step out the the way because you need to protect your own emotions which are not bruised and you are in pain.

She will try to talk you into a compromise, or may begin to hide her relationship, OR, hopefully she will see what this is doing and make the right choice - YOU.

I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMCH
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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