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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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so i was texting this girl for a while and i really like her.

Resolved Question:

so i was texting this girl for a while and i really like her. but when i asked her on a date she turned me down texting this: " uh i dont think its a good idea to start dating because we have to work together a lot and that could get kinda awkward. also im sorta talking to someone else :/ im sorry! :/" obviously i was heartbroken and im trying to move on but its very hard considering that we both work together although in different parts of the job. im not sure what to do next, should i simply just accept her as a friend, try to get out of the friend zone, get her our of my life completely or should i do something totally different? i still feel like i can change something...
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Customer:

yeah it is pretty frustrating, i need some sort of direction on how to approach this situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad since you appear to have strong feeling for her, but her response was very direct and clear, since she told you she does not feel comfortable/want to have anything interfering with her job and work relationship there, and that she is already interested in other person, what does not leave any hope for any possible chance in the near future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think your approach should start by fully respecting her boundaries, and taking good care of the work relationship you have and the friendship you have built, since she has accepted to share with you beyond work setting

Customer:

so it best to continue talking to her and not simply ignore her? this incident happened a week ago and it was only today she and i striked up some sort of conversation. i guess i was trying to indirectly tell her i was unhappy with her decision

Customer:

is there any way to get out of this "friend zone" type of situation?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Obviously you need to be very truthful with yourself about what you really feel you can and want to afford here, since some people do not feel comfortable at all keeping any closeness after an incident like this, while others feel fine and able to move on, whether they keep and develop further friendship or not.

Customer:

and what do you mean by truthful to myself?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I mean you being aware of and acknowledging what you feel and are willing to afford or not in a specific situation,because of different factors,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel overwhelmed or very anxious when around her for example since this incident happened, then you need to recognize those feelings and see what would be the best way for you to take good care of yourself in ways it would not interfere in negative ways in your job performance and relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would be about you recognizing the feelings you have developed to wards her, but also the fact that they aren't reciprocated, so about your need to redirect them and your attention in ways to help yourself to move an d, cope and keep taking good care of yourself and life, learning from this situation.

Customer:

well going by your example i dont feel overwhelmed or anxious, in fact i feel pretty normal and calm around her, we both act like nothing has happened when we talked earlier, but it just bothers me immensely that both of us arent acknowledging it.

Customer:

i think the real problem here i realized is the fact that we pretend nothing has happened. i dont know if thats a good thing or not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then this is much less challenging for you than what I thought before, when you commented on the possibility of getting her totally out of your life, what seemed to me your feelings from this situation got trully uncomfortable, and that's why you were having a hard time figuring out how to cope with it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, how should it be your relationship now after this incident for you to feel comfortable about it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said you think the problem here is that you are pretending nothing has happened between you, then how should her and you be conducting yourselves for you to feel it is just fine now?

Customer:

well it seems like both of us are pretending nothing has happened but i can only speak for myself that im still bothered by her rejection of me, i can only hope that she is aware of that too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I see is that her behavior could show how she has not allowed this incident to interfere in your work relationship and friendship developed during the time you have known each other there, what seems as a very assertive and proactive approach, which does not show rejection, nor any type of negative attitude towards you because of your recent initiative.

Customer:

but youre also implying that she doesnt see me as anything more then a friend?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you think she was mean or hostile when she told you that she did not feel comfortable with you dating because of the work situation and the fact she is interested in another person?

Customer:

i dont think she was mean or hostile at all, this incident occured all through texting and it seemed like she felt bad about it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure I think that is what she meant when she told you that it is not a good idea because of your work relationship and her interest in another person. Do you think she meant she is interested in you romantically but didn't want to acknowledge it?

Customer:

i dont know... i really hope thats the case and it is all just a situational thing that i asked at the wrong time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I do not see any reason to believe she has been avoiding you or denying what happened, but just trying to make things work as before this incident, since she cares and wants it to work fine for both of you. Doesn't it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you feel hopeful because of the way you felt while sharing by text, but unhappily she just did not feel the same way, and that could be frustrating for anybody expecting something more than friendship and taking this initiative, which I do not think was wrong, but just she does not happen to feel the same way in the present.

Customer:

can it change at all?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Time will tell you how things evolve, no way to know now, you could speculate about it, but it would be through different experience and sharing that you would see how your feelings change, remain the same and how well or not you could build something deeper. It is something that depend on both of you, and right now, she has set a clear boundary, and respecting it would be the best way to show how you care about your friendship.

Customer:

i see, well it wouldnt hurt to be proactive and take some sort of initiative right? should i still make attempts to socialize with her outside of work, like invite her to a party

Customer:

?

Customer:

i feel like a one on one type of thing wouldnt be right at this time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel comfortable with sharing as a friend and able to cope with the challenges it may present, sure you can do that...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

hoping she would be open and willing to keep sharing that way

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

while you would be aware that her behavior could change if she starts dating this other person, what could be frustrating but something normal to experience, and this would be something you would have to cope with too.

Customer:

i think thats probably my greatest fear after she got back to me, im not sure how i can cope with that

Customer:

i feel like once that happens its all but over

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is tough for sure, but necessary for you to face, otherwise you would make yourself more vulnerable to suffer for something you cannot control.

Customer:

i know, but to sum it all up i should still stay friends with her and invite her to social events outside of work?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Situations like this do happen, they are normal part of life experiences, we need to learn from them, It is painful but necessary, they allow us to mature and get stronger and wiser, taking better care of ourselves and knowing how to develop an promote fulfilling relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel comfortable with it and can cope with the challenges it presents, and as long as she feels fine with it too, then it should not be a problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Rremember, respecting her boundaries is fundamental for you to have a healthy and positive relationship as work partners or friends.

Customer:

it sounds like i may have overemphasized the fact that we work together? i mean we do but its not like a permanent 9-6 job. its really just part time since were both students

Customer:

god knows how my working situation will change next semester

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but she has pointed at that as a reason for her not to feel comfortable getting into any romantic relationship with you besides of being interested in this other person.

Customer:

i feel like that can be changed though because its in my control, i can choose whether to quit or not. mind you im not going to because i need the money but it seems like thats the only part of this situation i can control

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Correct, but that would not change the fact that she is interested on dating another person, what shows she does not feel the same towards you, and expecting much more than what she is objectively showing you now, would not help but could create further frustration.

Customer:

yeah i guess. like you said only time will tell if her opinion towards me will change

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Customer:

well i think i have a better idea on what to do now this has helped alot.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to hear that. Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

but just to some it all up in one single response what should i do and how should i be feeling?

Customer:

something i can keep in my head so that i dont get so frustrated and anxious about this situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not feel rejected, since we all are different and we cannot depend on how people think, feel and shape their own lives. There will be people who share more or less about what we like, value and long for, while others much less and other people would just be the opposite, and that's OK, as long as we respect each others' individuality and boundaries. You were consistent taking an initiative because of the way you feel, and she was honest responding without having a hurtful intention at all, and now her behavior should be taken as a friendly and proactive one, and not as rejection or denial. Please do engage and promote what you are truly able and willing to afford and cope with, in that way you would learn, enjoy the process and become more yourself, even when things do not always work the way you expect.

Customer:

ok then that helps alot. thanks for hearing me out

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take good care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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