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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ive been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3. Were

Resolved Question:

I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3. We're 55 and 58 yrs old. We consider ourselves best friends, never argue and share the same views on most things. A couple years ago I saw texts from him to my sister. The were fairly warm and fuzzy texts. I also saw an email from her to him that said "and we will be best friends forever." She and I used to be close but haven't really been for years. She is kind of weird and while we do talk sometimes, we don't get together any longer to hang out even tho we live 30 minutes apart. I don't even think my husband has been around her to know her that well. The first time I noticed those texts/ and one email from her, I let him know that I thought it was unacceptable. Just recently he sent me a text at 10:00pm that said "how was your day". Well, I was already in bed and we had already talked about my day. So when I got up in the morning to go to work, I looked at his phone and there was a text from my sister that said "thanks, XXXXX XXXXX too". He must have deleted any other texts from their conversation because there was only that one. I'm not raging mad but I'm confused and somewhat hurt. I've been through some really tough times due to other things in my life and I'm really too worn out to get all worked up over this. I just wanted an counselor/outsider's opinion. I think there is something WRONG with my husband or my sister saying "love you" to each other. He's been unemployed 8 months now and I now am thinking how he has the opportunity to hook up with her. She works with horses and is always at a barn.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to now about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is actually unacceptable, once their relationship, the intimacy and affection they show are all happening behind your back, and it i this secrecy, the dishonesty what shows there is something very wrong with it, and unhappily this is not about an isolated episode, but a long term issue that started years ago, and as you just said, something he has obviously been very skillful ding from you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious to me that both of them, as adults are responsible for their own choices and actions, and these behaviors seems to be reciprocal and happening with regularity and intimacy. It is even more concerning because you do not have that close and open relationship with her anymore, but your husband seems to have been sharing with her in such close ways that it is clearly alarming.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These behaviors are unacceptable and must be confronted as soon as possible, otherwise tolerating them even more would only enable them, perpetuating the unhealthy pattern.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He would have to be truly honest towards you, acknowledging this issue and taking full responsibility for it, showing willingness and effort to take consistent actions to gain your trust back and heal your marriage.

Customer:

Thank you for your response. I do want to mention that my husband and I do love each other (at least I thought so). We say it every day and get along really well. He said he had been drinking when he texted her and doesnt remember. We drink wine every night, but I don't believe or accept that as an excuse. I drink and I don't start texting his brother or any other guy. And as you said, we aren't that close any more. I texted her and asked her if she wanted to get together for dinner for her birthday in the beginning of November and she never answered.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad and concerning, since as you said, his excuses could never justify this pattern for this long. It seems denial and avoidance are very present here, and unless he chooses to be truly honest, I do not see how this situation could get resolved.

Customer:

OK, I'm satisfied with your answers. I felt it is wrong. Thanks again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

i truly hope this situation gets addressed in a healthy an effective manner leading to healing and real trust between you.


Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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