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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to now about this very sad and frustrating situation.
What you describe here is actually unacceptable, once their relationship, the intimacy and affection they show are all happening behind your back, and it i this secrecy, the dishonesty what shows there is something very wrong with it, and unhappily this is not about an isolated episode, but a long term issue that started years ago, and as you just said, something he has obviously been very skillful ding from you.
It's obvious to me that both of them, as adults are responsible for their own choices and actions, and these behaviors seems to be reciprocal and happening with regularity and intimacy. It is even more concerning because you do not have that close and open relationship with her anymore, but your husband seems to have been sharing with her in such close ways that it is clearly alarming.
These behaviors are unacceptable and must be confronted as soon as possible, otherwise tolerating them even more would only enable them, perpetuating the unhealthy pattern.
He would have to be truly honest towards you, acknowledging this issue and taking full responsibility for it, showing willingness and effort to take consistent actions to gain your trust back and heal your marriage.
Thank you for your response. I do want to mention that my husband and I do love each other (at least I thought so). We say it every day and get along really well. He said he had been drinking when he texted her and doesnt remember. We drink wine every night, but I don't believe or accept that as an excuse. I drink and I don't start texting his brother or any other guy. And as you said, we aren't that close any more. I texted her and asked her if she wanted to get together for dinner for her birthday in the beginning of November and she never answered.
It is very sad and concerning, since as you said, his excuses could never justify this pattern for this long. It seems denial and avoidance are very present here, and unless he chooses to be truly honest, I do not see how this situation could get resolved.
OK, I'm satisfied with your answers. I felt it is wrong. Thanks again.
You're very welcome
Thank you for your trust.
i truly hope this situation gets addressed in a healthy an effective manner leading to healing and real trust between you.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Take gentle care.