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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ive been with my partner for 10 years engaged for 6 he wont

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Ive been with my partner for 10 years engaged for 6 he wont commit to marriage or children. He is in an online relationship and phone relationship with a woman in america he went out with about 15 years ago. I stupidly sneaked into his emails and found he has been buying her gifts and sending her money as she has financial problems. I confronted him he said sorry he should have asked me if ok to help her and it was a birthday present but she is a good friend to him. He doesnt talk to me, we have had sex twice this year. I have been ill last 5 months. The emails dont appear to be sexual but he obviously has strong feelings for her and not honest with me. I dont trust him what should i do? I have given 10 years of my life and we have been through some tough times together.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is very concerning and sad

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and I'd say most people in your shoes would feel overwhelmed by it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me what do you expect and need from this person after spending the past 10 years of your life in this relationship, while he has systematically shown you he is unable and unwilling to commit to you and build a real mature and fulfilling life together?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very concerning since it does show he has been dishonest towards you and disloyal, what just goes against any chance for developing a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Customer: I expect him to be truthful with me he is a terrible liar and i can tell when he is. I need him to show me love and honesty, we have never been the big romantic lots of sex type of couple but we have been affectionate and we lok after each other
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you are very clear about what you need and expect from him, but what gives you any real hope he would change after spending all these years without getting but these chronic lies, manipulation and infidelity?

Customer: I dont know if i have hope i am tired of it now and i know there will always be 3 of us in the relationship even tho she is a just a good friend he cant turn his back on. What steps should i take next i think if i confront him again he will not fight to save the relationship thats what im afraid of even if there is nothing much to save?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but based on what you are describing here I do not see your relationship has matured nor grown with mutual respect, honesty, understanding, caring , love , passion and support, and that this person is obviously showing you through his concrete actions after so many years that he is unable and unwilling to change at all, and that you feel even very afraid about his reaction, while in reality you only seem to have two options, to leave and rebuild yoru life in a healthy way with a person who deserves you, or to stay and afford further pain and suffering from his dishonesty, lying, neglect and manipulation, once he is not even willing to talk about it and to acknowledge all the serious abusive issues here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see you have the very core requirements for your relationship to develop as a healthy one, and the fact that regardless of how many years you have been dating and supposedly committed clearly shows this person has been using and manipulating you, while you have been tolerating and enabling his abuse.

Customer: I agree i think we have both been at fault him more so, but i have known he is doing it and i have turned a blind eye as i love him and couldnt face it, we have both been through a lot of bereavement and depression which hasnt helped not that i am making excuses. I am suffering depression at the moment and off work thats why i have been ignoring it but i am getting stronger and feel ready to move on. I think i may need counselling to help me get through the next 6 months. At the moment every time i think about it splitting up and what will happen to him, house pets etc i get very emotional and weepy i feel i want to go away on holiday and come back and he will be gone and it will be all fixed?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do totally agree with you, and support your initiative to look fora good professional psychotherapist to assist you rehabilitating from depression and to effectively cope and heal from this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's essential for you to fully face reality and come to terms with everything that has happened for all this long, in order for you not to self-sabotage even more, exposing to further neglect, abuse and manipulation, so for you to heal rebuild your life.

Customer: Thanks for listening
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for trusting me this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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