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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My boyfriend of a year told he his love for me has gone down.

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend of a year told he his love for me has gone down. He said he still has feelings for me, but not like before. He said that it's his feelings and has nothing to do with me. He said he has too many things on his mind to focus on us. I asked him if he wanted to end our relationship and he said no as there are still feelings. This happens a week ago. How can feelings go "down" so fast?

We both have had a busy year, him with work and me with work and school.
We both have kids - his older son refuses to speak to him from the time we started dating. I understand that his teenage son is hurt to see him with another woman and him not speaking to his father has nothing to do with me. I just feel this also influenced my BF as his teenage son said that he hates me (for no particular as he's only seen me three time max). I am divorced with kids, so I understand the priority.

He is going through a divorce and is fighting for joint custody. He had news 2 days ago that his ex had accepted his conditions for the kids. Though his older son still refuses to speak with him (he will have his younger son half time).

I offered to give it a try and see where our feelings end up as I understand the turmoil.

How do I deal with this?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Customer:

Hello, yes it is.

Customer:

I must also add, I feel I have been too dependent on him...he had loaned his car for some months as i did not have one of my own. I am buying a new one tomorrow, so I also slowly intend to be less dependent on him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nobody changes his feelings in a short period of time, I am afraid he has not been totally honest and open towards you, and only chose you tell yo about it recently since not being willing to get deeper into the relationship.

Customer:

he said he does not know exactly when his feelings had begun changing but it's not in a week. I felt a change, but I though it was because of all the things he had going on.

Customer:

He never stopped saying he loved me...why lie?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would help for sure to be and feel more empowered and self-sufficient, but could not lead to him changing his heart about your relationship, since he is literally telling you he does not feel he loves you enough to commit and get deeper into it.

Customer:

So why did he not say end it when I asked? He also cried when telling me about his feelings...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times people do say words like this in order to avoid the pressure from facing reality, confronting or acknowledging what they have been feeling, finding in avoidance and denial ways to cope with what they feel until they feel more comfortable revealing their feelings.

Customer:

He's confusing me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's a tough one, since you do not know either, he is not telling you what he feels and wants since he does not know , then it becomes overwhelmingly confusing. Many times people presenting this behavior do this as a way not to take responsibiity for breaking up, so not to feel guilty nor blamed for the end of the relationship.

Customer:

That's the ting, he said whatever he feels he will say it. He said he did not realize this until we had an argument and I told him "I wanted someone more there for me so he better think about what he wanted".

Customer:

this argument was 2 weeks go...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that could have been the trigger and not the cause of this situation.

Customer:

I had thought that he was so preoccupied with the mess in his life that he's really confused about us...that somehow his feeling were still there...that giving space would give us both time to think...

Customer:

but then when he's back we laugh, we talk, we dine, we sleep together...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His approach allows him to get more distant justifying not getting more committed nor investing more time in the relationship, while not feeling pushed nor guilty about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do agree with you that the best approach here is never to push him. but to give him this time-space, respecting his boundaries and see if he happens to efecetively cope with his personal-family issues and reassess his feelings, core expectations and what he is truly able and willing to afford in this relationship.

Customer:

How do I handle feeling somewhat "rejected" in the mean time...not to toot my own horn, but I am one of those women that rarely comes by...I am compassionate, loving, beautiful, attractive...you get the picture...I feel I am one of a kind, so how can i reassure myself?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This situation is painful and frustrating, concerning since it shows he does not feel sure about his feelings and feels he does not have enough affection and willingness to invest in a committed way in the present, and for anybody in your shoes it is just very painful to face this realty...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You know he is stressed about so many things, but also that his personal-family situation would remain the same unless he happens to deeply improve his ways of coping with , and only time will show you if that happens or not...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

To feel hopeful feels necessary as long as you also keep a realistic approach since you do not want to attach even more to him once he is literally telling you all these things and taking consistent actions, thus please, be very truthful and honest with yourself, in order to be sure what, how much and for how long you are willing to wait for him to work on himself, personal issues and to figure out if he truly wants to work on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people in similar scenarios feel capable and willing to cope and wait for couple of months while other much longer. Some could just not feel they can even functioning out of anxiety if waiting for more than a month to hear something leading them to feel hopeful about it. This is why you need to be real and honest with yourself, this way you would not be pushing and hurting yourself because of it.

Customer:

Sometimes in life I feel we give up too fast when we face relationship issues...I have gone through a divorce so I understand the "looking for the exit". I feel like sticking it through for a little to try to work it out with him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to focus on all those things-activities that could help you to take good care of yourself and mood, without spending too much energy speculating about it, which could only lead to torment yourself and undermine your mental and emotional health.

Customer:

Of course in this time I feel like empowering myself more and more and more...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then perfect, just set a reasonable limit consistent with what you feel and believe could work for you, in that way you would be offering your best understanding and support without self-sabotaging.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I fully support such proactive and assertive approach, since it is necessary and the only one that could allow you to effectively cope with this time situation, while taking good care of yourself and life, and promoting your chances in the relationship. Everything else depends on him.

Customer:

okay. I needed to hear this. I am meditating, I am finishing my MBA in 2 weeks! I have bought a new convertible...I have 2 gorgeous kids...and that not even speaking about the person I AM.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It sounds great and like you have been doing a very good job and building a wonderful life, congratulations, please focus on enjoying it as much as possible, since you deserve it, and your needs need you healthy and fulfilled too.

Customer:

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the clear and concise responses.

Customer:

Have a nice day

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I feel very confident that if you keep this assertive - wise approach you would be able to continue growing and promoting a very meaningful and fulfilling life no matter the challenges and problems you may have to face; and this is the best you could offer to your children too as a wise parent.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Bye for now and remember to rate session.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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