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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Ive been dating a man now for six weeks. He is 50 and Im

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I've been dating a man now for six weeks. He is 50 and I'm 51. He's been divorced and I've been widowed, each for more than two years. He has two children a 16 yr old daughter and 20 year old son. I have a 19 year old son. In addition to his full time work, he has picked up a coaching job for a sports team through the winter season which will require his involvement several days a week. We live about 30 minutes from one another. Up to this point we see each other twice a week, and are in frequent communication throughout the day and week. We have agreed to not see others and are intimate. The new work commitment will require his time through February and I'm concerned that it will impact our ability to see one another and continue to develop our relationship. I don't want to end up in a situation when I'm seeing him based solely on his availability and schedule, and I have concerns about not seeing him for several days at a time while we are still in the early stages of developing a relationship. I don't want to date other men, but I also don't want to be waiting around to date someone who may not have much time to date right now. He hasn't told me that he's concerned but he has shared the amount of time he will need to be involved and said it pays for his sons college tuition. I understand this is important. Should I wait and see what happens, how his schedule works out and where we fit in, or should I voice my concerns now and ask him point blank how we will continue to see each other given his schedule? If your advise is to bring it up with him, what is the best way to broach the topic without seeming demanding and clingy? (I too have a career, and getting my MBA so both our schedules are busy, but up to this point we've carved out time to see each other.)
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this situation.

It seems that you have found an excellent man with very good qualities and of the highest caliber. He is to be admired and supported for his effort to finance is son's college tuition. This says so much for his character.

You too are working hard to better yourself, and if you were in his position and were able to finance your children's college in a similar manner, you would be remiss to do otherwise.

He seems to be a man of honor and worth holding on to. You already have a bonded (intimate) relationship and should be able to voice your individual concerns with each other.

Your approach is important and should not be in terms or making hard choices, or in terms that this is a catastrophe or major problem.

You can surely work out a strategy and a schedule by which you can continue to see each other on a regular basis.

If, because of scheduling concerns, in cannot be daily, because he has other legitimate obligations, then you will still enjoy the quality of your interludes together. It is quality rather than frequency or quantity that is most important.

You have worked out your schedules before. The only change is in scheduling times and they can be made to fit around your needs and his, as was previously done.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. This seems like a very easily worked out situation and takes strategy and good faith in each other.

Approach this gently and not as an issue, but just as a discussion on how we can best make time to see each other in a non-pressured manner. You must respect each other's needs to fulfill responsibilities. There should be no problem in working this out between two responsible and mature professional adults.

I wish you continued success in your relationship and shall keep you both in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.


Thank you. One more piece of information is that he told me that he had a gambling addiction, has been clean for four years and very active in Gamblers anonymous for a number of years and is a sponsor to others. Do you give a person like this the benefit of the doubt, as long as they continue to remain active in their treatment? My deceased husband was an alcoholic who did not receive treatment, so have been in a relationship where addiction was a major issue.


Thanks again for your reply.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Dear Lee,

This is only an issue if he takes up this addiction as well. All of his work will be for nought. However, if he is clean then he as shown the will power to overcome this addiction. He is putting will power to work in a positive way. Do give him the benefit of the doubt, and encourage him in all things positive.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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