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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little bit over

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Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little bit over a year now. About 4-5 months ago he started talking to this girl on Facebook. They met up a couple of times and.. kissed a few times.
When I found out about it, I was hear broken. He did not leave me alone, he was there in my apartment (although i refused to let him in for the first hour) all day every day, until I was forced to forgive him.
I realised that I also played some part in his unfaithfullnes. he said I stopped taking care of myself, stopped having sex with him etc.
So after we made up things started to go upwords (for like a month) Until like 3 weeks ago when I accidentaly found in his iPad history Google searches like: I love my girlfriend but I am obsessed with this other girl, caught between two girls etc.
I was torn and when i confronted him and said I never want to be with him again he started crying in panic and even repeadedly said: marry me! (my answer obviously was: never in a million years).
This all has punched me back to square one. I cry every single day and the craziest thoughts go through my head. He is trying to sort this omne out again but this time it hurts even more for me as this proved he genuinly had feelings for her.
I feel like I'm drowning and don't know what to do. Is there any chance a normal relationship can grow out of this one day? He has lied to me so much about texting her, meeting up with her (that was before the cheating), so now after the last punch I am just thinking of the worst every day.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is truly shocking and painful.

Customer:

Yes, it has been very overwhelming. It has destroyed me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since it shows how your boyfriend has not been honest nor respectful towards you and your feelings for all this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Even after you gave him another chance since you believed in his words and tears, you have found out how he has literally manipulated you and continued to betray your love and relationship, and that's just unacceptable, traumatic for most people in your shoes.

Customer:

One party when he met up with her, he even got his friend to lie about him, telling me he is home although his facebook told differently.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behaviors show he is a very immature person with serious mental health problems, to the point of acting this dramatically and impulsively. I think you are absolutely right when fearing anything could happen from now on, and that it would be self-sabotaging for you to trust him again taking into account what reality is showing you.

Customer:

I have sufferend from depression for over 2 years now. And he has been there for me a lot through times likes these. Yet it kills me knowing that even though he knew I was depressed, he still kissed someone else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then as you see the is no accident here, but serious manipulation and deception

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's awful, since he was very well aware of your vulnerability because of your depression, and he totally disregarded that and chose to do this for this long period of time, fooling you this much.

Customer:

He has cried so many times when he has made a msitake. hysterically. but then he turns around and makes another one. and he does not let me move on, he clinges on to me, so I have no choice but to forgive him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do always have choices, and he manipulates you because you end enabling him over and over again. Unless he happens to physically force you to do something there is no way anybody could force you to choose something like this, please confront that illusion, face reality, and choose to take back your own power, respect and dignity, in order to start taking good care of yourself, otherwise you would have to continue affording, whether you like it or not, the consequences from your choices.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The most abusive people are the most manipulative ones, just as he is, but they can only hurt people who tolerate and enable their abuse and manipulation, otherwise they would have no power at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please work on your rehabilitation from depression, and also on eradicating any codependency and self=sabotaging pattern, in order for you to truly be and feel good, and to build a healthy and fulfilling life, including a mature, respectful and happy relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious to me based on your story that unless he commits to work on his own rehabilitation process from the serious personality and mental disorders he presents, he would not be able to play a healthy role in any close romantic relationship.

Customer:

I know it sounds stupid but I love him a lot. But now it feels like he can't even take little baby steps to prve his loyalty. For example his phone went off and I asked who was this (it was a text message). For half an hour he said he will look at it when he stands up (we were watching a TV) and then obviouslt suddenly he needed to go to the toilet when the movie finished. I started crying because I am obviously scared that she is texting him. And she couldn't even show me for a nano second that: look, it not her! No, he needed to go to the toilet first where he came out of, phone in his hand, saying oh it was just this our that friend. Am I completely out of my mind to be even scared when he acts like that??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would be self-sabotaging if you continue to believe and trust him after all these serious concrete issues around dishonesty, betrayal, manipulation and lack of caring.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would show you have developed an unhealthy. dependency-addiction to him, pushing yourself into further pain and abuse.

Customer:

There isn't a healthy future for this relationship, is there?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on everything you described here, it would be unrealistic and self-sabotaging for you to believe there is one, unless he happens to dramatically transform himself, and for that to happen he would have to fully acknowledge all his abusive actions, hold full accountability for them, and commit to his own rehabilitation process with professional psychological treatment, for him to understand himself, resolve his core issues, and only then he would be able to know what he wants, how to take good care of himself, and then how to be in a mature committed relationship, building something worthy and fulfilling. If he chooses to start this process, it would take long term for him to gradually change, it would not happen in a couple of months for sure, and it won't be his nice words or manipulative tears what would show it, but his consistent actions in time -long term.

Customer:

That is just strange because before the cheating. For like 8 months we had the best relationsip ever. Everything was so good, and obviously we had our little ups and downs but I never have thought that he would be.. manipulative.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

this is why it has been this traumatic, you finding out this way and after these several months about it. You can be sure that nobody gets transformed in a couple of days from being a faithful, respectful, caring honest and mature person, boyfriend, into a dishonest, manipulative and insensitive one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What does happen a lot is people being so good manipulation and portraying nice roles, that when you finally find out about their real ways, you get shocked by it, since you never could have imagined anything like that coming from them; but it happens and happens a lot, and it is not because they are being the victim of anybody, but because of his core serious issues and disorders.

Customer:

Thank you very much for your advice today.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open and for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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