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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, I took onboard what we discussed about my relationship

Resolved Question:

Hi, I took onboard what we discussed about my relationship question regarding my ex going back to an ex wife he supposedly detested all during our 8 year relationship and before that. She had got with one of his mates after they split up. He was during our marriage an alcoholic and abusive partner with extreme jealousy and possesive tendancies isolating me from friends and in thend trying to separate me from my family. He had rules about what was allowed to be said to other people. My follow up question is why do I have to keep figting this desire to contact him and ley him know I know that he is a hypocrite and a liar. I have written in my journal, I have writtwn unsent letters and still it is overwhelming to make him know that he has made me suffer all during our marriage without accepting any responsibility for his actions.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me read your message.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know this has become this overwhelming for you.

Customer:

I feel lk

Customer:

I feel like he needs to know that i

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me if you were able to fully confront him at all about this at all, or it was not possible since you just found out later on when your lived were already apart

Customer:

know sorry having trouble using a tablet instead of desk top

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem

Customer:

later only just found out 1 Year after separation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you ever discussed with your therapist/psychologist about the soundess of sending him a letter confronting him about it?

Customer:

i have no contact with him that was the advice of the pyschologist she said to cut him off

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see your dilemma since on one hand your lives are now totally separated but you still keep obsessed about him because of the wounding and pain he caused to you for so much abuse and manipulation.

Customer:

there is so many things for me that have not been said & some of that was because i did not even understand it all myself at the time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do always suggest people to do the same, that is the consistent and healthy approach, but my point was about you giving yourself the chance to truly vent what you have felt leading to this overwhelming anxiety turning into an obsession. I think you have not had enough psychotherapeutic support to truly vent and process these painful feelings, for you to really be able to move on with your life, otherwsie you would not find yourself in this position.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times dates like this could easily trigger pain repressed from previous wounding that has not been truly healed, which would be a normal reaction, because of how traumatic it's been in your life, but it also shows your need to deeper work on rehabilitating from it

Customer:

i feel there is so much irony in this situation right now he has gone back to the women he divorced to marry me. sec

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What has been your contingency plan developed with your therapist to implement when facing these tough times like the one year anniversary of your separation?

Customer:

I dont have one ... look i felt my therapist li,ed to

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is shocking and traumatic, and it's been this overwhelming for you because of how much you attached to him and underwent so much abuse, besides of the way he left

Customer:

sorry liked to talk more then me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please tell me more about it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean she used to take much of your therapy sessions time talking to you rather than allowing you to vent, process and actually work on how to heal from it?

Customer:

I left him because he was tormenting & Persucting me about imaginary affairs and i could not take it anymore

Customer:

Yes she spoke alot about her life experiences

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, he was systematically abusing you to the point of pushing you away and risking your own sanity

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you feel she talked too much but did not give you time, nor set the emotional container for you to vent and process your trauma and pain, right?

Customer:

she talked about learning techniques for minfull

Customer:

Techniques for mindfullness etc and other ways of improving selft esteem and assertiveness etc

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Mid she actually modeled these techniques and supportred you practicing them during sessions, and monitored your work between sessions to make sure you were actually developing those skills and benefiting from them, and that they were relieving your pain?

Customer:

I did not get to work through how it was living with an alcoholic, walking on egg shells how you would have anxiety before you got home hot knowing what you were going to confront.How I was ho linger sexually attracted to him because if the repulsion of having sex with a drunk.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then there was not much therapeutic work done at all during those months, but it was much more like instruction or classes on how to promote your self-esteem and around self-development but not therapy

Customer:

i feel that the therapist talked to me about the techniques and somethings I did get but some I do not think so

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

this would explain why you still feel this overwhelmed and shocked by what happened

Customer:

I really think so now looking back I took my daugter with me one time and she said mum she talks alot about herself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I do strongly believe, based on your story, that you need to work on your therapeutic process with sound professional support. since it is obvious you are having a tough time because of all these past experiences still deeply affecting your mood, mind and functioning in the present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It sounds like she was venting herself rather than allowing and supporting you to do it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is unacceptable, but I have to say that it is not that uncommon, since there are many people, with good and bad intentions working in the mental health field, who could not only not help but undermine clients' mental health even more when not doing ethical and competent work.

Customer:

I do not want to feel like this anymore... I have a mother whom is unwell in another country to whom I am close I want to move forwards not backwards

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For your daughter to have perceived that, it's obvious it was a core issue, and your experience shows it undermined the therapeutic work and benefits you were supposed to get

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please do not delay getting competent and ethical "therapeutic" support. We all can read and learn from books and classes a bout mindfulness, relaxation and many other wonderful and necessary techniques, but therapy is much more than getting information or knowledge, it is about therapeutic experiences during sessions and about those happening between them, oriented, monitored and supported by the therapist. But in your care she appears to have limited it to information, instruction and talking and venting lot about her personal life and issues.

Customer:

ok i want to be able to cope ... i have alot of bad feeling towards my ex husband still unresolved things which to me has no accountability for. This is how evil he is he told me on parting that he had sex with my daughter and she as so much better then me and not exactly in that language

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

OMG this is overwhelmingly shocking, how could a person say that!

Customer:

I will go back to my doctor and see what I can get help for

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you know if this was true, is he did actually did it, how old was your daughter and what did she say?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, look for a competent, ethical, and experienced psyhcotherapist, and do not waste your time, money or health if he/she happens not to be good professionals, immediately look for a better one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your therapist should be able to listen to you, and constantly ask you to know how comfortable, well and supported you feel, hoe well therapy is or not working for you, inside and changing your life through concrete improvements. If a therapist does not do this, and supports you to make this something real, then such is not a good therapist at all.

Customer:

it was not true my daughter is 30 & she disliked him intensely it did not happen he was lashing out because I was leaving him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember this and remind yourself that this is about your health, happiness and well-being, and that you cannot afford undermining them at all because of a bad professional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is truly a very distorted and abusive person, his addictions and other mental and personality disorders are at the core of it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please look for a good therapist and if possible for a support group if group psychotherapy is not available, and commit to them until you feel strong and confident about yourself and life.

Customer:

he also said to me I better be careful whom I get with in the future because they will be more interested in my daughter then me I said I am not interested in being with anyone ... he said oh yes you will

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You did exposed too much to this person's abuse, it is shocking to hear you describing what he was able to say, no doubt that any further contact with him would only expose you to further abuse and wounding.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do not need nor deserve any of that for sure, and that's why good psychotherapy is so important.

Customer:

I realise this which is why I write letters to the universe .. Rafael I will try and get more help I realise it takes time to heal but the recent news has just rocked me back to when I just left him. I need to deal with it... I try to vent but within reason.

Customer:

is it payback is that why I want to get back him and let him know how wrong he has been?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I fully support you, please take consistent action and feel free to contact me for any further support, and if you want to try online counseling with mu support, just let me know since I am also willing to support you that way. What matters now is for you to work on your healing with necessary support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, it would just deepen the abuse and wounding, taking your own power away from you, the one you need to heal and rebuild your life, the way you need and deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Anything your mind could tell you about the possibility-need to expose to him to talk to him and let him know how you feel or think, would be self-sabotage and absolutely destructive, and I do not doubt he wil take advantage of it to abuse you even more!

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 months ago.


Hi Rafael


 


I did send my ex a sms message which was polite and civil asking him to get on and organise the divorce as I will be leaving the country soon. I found this gave me some relief as it was going around and around in my mine what to do about it.


 


I have not been able to seek medical support as my work is so busy right now due to Christmas approaching I am a retail store manager so I have decided to talk with you when I feel I need help.


 


Thanks


Christine

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.
Christine

I am glad to know you have been able to take this proactive step,not to enable any form of manipulation or abuse, but to get necessary formal closure to this situation, for you to be free of anything related to this person, and to move forward in your life.

I am sorry to know your work responsibilities have not allowed yo to get professional support. Please consider my offer for confidential online counseling, I am willing to support you as possible, and it would not interfere with your schedule, could be on weekends, early in the morning or late at night, and time or distance would not limit it at all.

This could be possible through a new program that JustAnswer has recently implemented allowing some experts to offer professional services. If and when you want to try it, just let me know and I will do my best to request permission to send contact information and to talk to you to schedule a first session through a confidential chat interface.

Please continue taking good care of yourself. I support you,

Rafael
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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