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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Years ago (12) My husband left his then wife and was with another

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Years ago (12) My husband left his then wife and was with another woman almost immediately. He was with her for four years and thought they would marry. She left him and moved out of the state. Because she knew his children and he hers, they kept in touch sparingly. He was alone for 4 years. Dated occasionally but never met anyone seriously until we met.

When I met him, it was obvious to me that he deeply loved her but she was gone.
While we were seriously together, she returned locally but was married and he attempted to contact her.
He has sought to start a conversation with her or a relationship when she had returned. Emails will go back and forth... but sparingly. She would not respond and he would alway instigate the flow of communication. It is his way to keep the door cracked just so.

We were together for 3 years, I moved in during the 4th and we got married.

Through out our relationship, I have "caught" him communicating with her (or attempting to...) That's why I know her responses are sparse. So I was not worried but did approach my him and asked him if he still loved her. He would say "that was a long time ago." I would simply respond, I don't want to feel like I'm just what's good for now. He convinced me he loves me - I actually believe he does its just that I don't feel that I'm the love of his life and knew he had moved on.

This is my second marriage too and although I do not have a "regret" about my break up with my x husband, I personally don't feel he was the love of my live but I knew I did love him deeply once.

We took our honeymoon to Thailand a month before our marriage - he was emailing her asking her how she was and that he missed her. THAT upset me and I had to say "enough." What was more upsetting is that in his emails he only mentioned he is on vacation not on his honeymoon and does not mention me in the mixture and of course he will always be thinking of her.

I had asked him to tell her that he's married and was upset that he was not forthcoming with the information to her. It was a huge fight but he did agree and said he would.

Then a few days before our wedding, there was correspondence and he invited her out for coffee. She agreed. Again no mention of his wedding day nor any mention of our life. So I decided to wait to see if he would say something about their meeting. I waited all evening I waited in the morning and called him right before his date asking him "do you have plans or something?" He said "No" The next day he had a email correspondence with her saying it was great to see her... So that evening I went to him and asked him in blanket question - did you see anyone today - he responded "no."

I was in tears and then simply said to him that I did wait for him to tell me but he didn't and I didn't want to get married. He fell to his knees and grabbed me and BEGGED that I forgive him and that he loves me. He did see her and didn't tell me because I would have said no. He only had coffee and nothing to destroy our love and upcoming marriage.

I was torn especially when family started arriving, I decided to set this aside and get married.

Our first year of marriage was difficult - we are merged family and we were not getting a long (another issue not to be discussed righted now). I didn't think we would make it and was planning on moving out. Right before move out date we decided to go to counseling. We started counseling the last week of July. We went for 3 weeks and then my husband discovered he had kidney cancer and all our bullshit stopped. I focused on taking care of him and we grew closer and I didn't move out and he was surgically cured by mid September. We were happy and getting a long just fine. It was as if we finally bought into our marriage. Then the last straw hit.

During the difficult period he contacted her again letting her know that he was "soul searching" and that we were not getting along and that he would always love her and although he knows they moved on, he will remember their relationship forever. That was 8/2.

The love and adoration was upsetting but what was salt in the wound about this email was her response - I'm sorry you and your GIRLFRIEND are having trouble. He never told her we got married - again leaving the door just cracked open so.

I am deeply hurt and defeated. I think because it finally dawned on me that he would get back with her if he could but that this has always been her decision and if she should change her mind - he would leave his current wife.

They have already had coffee twice and he has not mentioned to me.
I feel that I just need to go. I don't think I can live being what's good for now.
Part of me feels that discovering this email was deliberate - he used my ipad and didn't log out but did shut down my ipad. My ipad remembers email log ins - now I have access to all his email you have what I know. I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know how your marital situation has been deteriorating this much, it's very sad but it is real, denying or avoiding it could never help but only lead to further pain.

Customer: I am not understanding - can you explain further
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you have described here is very sad since it shows how your husband has not been truly honest nor truly loved you from the very beginning, before you got married, and that you got married not because you had real mutual deep respect, affection, passion and commitment to each other.

Customer: so you do feel as I do.
Customer: He does not love me only is with me for now until this woman may come back
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said that you got married not because both were truly committed to build a life together, not because there was real reciprocity in your love, passion and commitment, since he was already showing you through concrete actions he was always hoping to get together with this other woman, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and that has been reality even before you got married, which is just devastating for any person in your shoes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Because it shows he has not been even respectful nor caring about your feelings for all this long but used you. Unhappily you were aware of it from long ago but attached to the hope that things would get fine someway, but reality has been consistently showing you that things have not changed at all.

Customer: devastating
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus denying or avoiding to face reality even longer could not help you but only deeper your wounding, fueling further pain.

Customer: go it.
Customer: Thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would become a bigger and more painful illusion that could only damage yourself and life even more

Customer: I understand - again thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. I am sorry to confirm this overwhelming reality., but you need and deserve to have a healthy life, with real respect, understanding, healthy love and passion, real commitment and not to be used, abused nor neglected at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible. Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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