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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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i love my boyfriend dearly and we have been together for a

Resolved Question:

i love my boyfriend dearly and we have been together for a year and a half now. He and I have a great and healthy and loving relationship. But lately, I just havent been wanting to have sex with him. Its not that I dont find him attractive, I just really enjoy spending time with him more. However, he alwaysss wants to have sex. He doesnt pressure me into it, but i can just tell he wants to and I feel bad that I dont want to. What does this mean for us?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me how long ago did you stop feeling the need or wish to have sex with your boyfriend and what changes, challenges, stressors or any other new situation could have happened by that time? Was this a sudden change or it happened gradually?

Customer:

It was about 2 weeks ago, a sudden change. I began to have a lot of stress and anxiety with school. I still do, but it has really declined since I went to my student health center. They gave me anxiety medicine and I have been doing well lately. The only problem is that I haven't felt the need or want to have sex and I feel like it's really putting stress on my relationship as well

Customer:

At first I was having anxiety about school, then the future, then not knowing if my boyfriend is "the one". I had anxious obsessive thoughts for about a week before it got better. And I now realize that my anxiety doesnt have anything to do with my relationship, it is still affecting it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. I am sorry to know you have bee suffering of so much stress and anxiety, which seem to have been deeply affecting your mood, functioning and I believe your relationship too, including your sexual libido. Now it is important to be aware that many psychiatric drugs for anxiety and depression do undermine sex drive and performance, which is another challenge to add to this situation.

Customer:

I know, I have been told that. But is there any way I could just go back to normal before I started getting anxiety? My anxiety also made me question my love for him, and our relationship. I know now, that I am thinking clearly, that I do love him and our relationship is fine. But obsessively thinking about it might have also caused my libido to decrease. Is that a normal fear in relationships?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Anxiety could come from literally any life area-issue and when we do not know how to effectively cope with it, whether it arises from stress, fear, pressure from responsibilities or any other feeling, it would undermine our mood, mental health processes, functioning, relationships , any aspect and sexuality is one of the most vulnerable aspects of human life, very sentitive to suffer from our emotional and mental changes.

Customer:

So my low sex drive is most likely to do with my anxiety and not because of my relationship? Because I truly do love my boyfriend and I want to be able to go back to normal soon. This has been putting worries in both of our minds lately, i believe.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Normal fears are those that have an intensity an frequency consistent with your personal experience and are under your control, but when they become overwhelming affecting you this much, it is obvious a disorder has developed, in this case anxiety leading to obsessive ideation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be because of any personal or relationship factor-issue, related to anxiety from other areas, and also affected by psychiatric medication you have been taking.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have only described the use of psychiatric drugs but not mentioned anything about getting necessary profesional support to actually cope and rehabilitate from this anxiety disorder, is that correct?

Customer:

Yes, well I have an appointment with a therapist soon but it was bothering me so I wanted to get some insight first and sooner

Customer:

do relationships normally have spells like this where sex drive is just not at it's highest?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want to take good care of your sexual and romantic life, you would need to address the anxiety disorder, any core issue affecting your life fueling stress or anxiety,, and making sure the psychiatric drug you are taking does not present this side effect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely,, since your libido always depeneds on your mood, then it changes all the time, even more when tough situations appear

Customer:

Ok, thank you. I also started fearing that my low sex drive meant that I was falling out of love with him and that we were going to break up and that just added to my anxiety. Now I know, that is false. But I still just needed to hear from a professional

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But when a couple find themselves experiencing a problem like this for several weeks and unable to cope with it, then it is obvious they need professional psychological support to take good care of it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I understand and support you, but only you know how you feel and this is why direct support is so important for you to prevent further deterioration affecting your mood, mental health, functioning and relationship. Anxiety and stress are normal as long as they do not get too intense limiting our functioning and ability to perform and enjoy life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Is there anything I can do, other than taking my prescription and going to a therapist, that would help my mood and sex drive go back to normal?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be fully open and honest with your therapist for you to get necessary support and make sure that medication you are taking does not present this side effect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Practice relaxation techniques, meditative practices, focus on promoting romance and emotional intimacy, do improve your schedule in order to have special time to share with your boyfriend without worrying about responsibilities, try engaging in activities that you may enjoy and help you to relax and boost your mood and confindence.

Customer:

He is just not a relationship therapist, so I wasnt sure if he would know the answer to these questions. From what I picked up, he is more just about helping with my anxiety issues and helping me to cope and I didnt know if that info was the same as this info

Customer:

I just needed to know if it was normal or not for me to have such a low sex drive yet still be in love at the same time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Vent your feelings, verbalize them, do not repress, avoid nro deny what feels negative or uncomfortable, since that becomes fuel for anxiety disorders, and these feelings end expressing themselves through your body since they are not being allowed adequate release through the mental and emotional levels.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, a person suffering of depression, anxiety or any other mental health disorder could love very much er/his partner and have poor or no sexual libido at all because of such tough mental health situation

Customer:

okay, thank you so much. I just wasnt sure and that was giving me even more anxiety because I thought I was the only person having to deal with this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. this i snot an uncommon problem at all, but needs to be addressed with adequate support for it not to become a bigger problem, while taking good care of your overall mental and emotional health.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer:

okay thank you so much!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach