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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have lost my man due to not challenging him. He grew frustrated

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I have lost my man due to not challenging him. He grew frustrated and we ended up having huge arguemwnts he is now refusing to get back together. He says he can't stand the arguments. What should I do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, could you tell me more about your situation? For how long have you been together, which were the core issues leading to constant arguments, and how long ago did you start having this much destructive conflict in your relationship?

Customer: We were together a year. We had a huge arguemwnt about 4 times. He would display a huge anger that he was not in control with. He is lovely normally but is a high earner with a very logical mind with a huge drive in life. I am an actress. He says he wants to be together but he doesn't want the arguments.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but what causes the arguments, what triggers his anger, it is about any behavior you present, or his personal issues he does not know how to cope with and ends acting out in the relationship?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For any argument or conflict to happen, both need to play a role. One could initiate the conflict and the other's reaction would fuel it or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now if he has a poor anger control, he would need to work on rehabilitating form it, learning effective and healthy coping skills, otherwise he would become abusive and the relaitonships could not heal nor grow, no matter how good intentions you may have.

Customer: He says it is me mostly and as I have had a suicide in the family 15 years ago, my dad had an alcohol problem and my mum is terminally ill he feels I could need further help with my mind. I am not so sure it is all that. I think if anything I lack self esteem which he finds irritating hence him getting frustrated and it coming out in huge arguements.
Customer: How can I get him to recognise what is really wrong with the relationship? He doesn't see anything is wrong with him?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your loss and all the painful circumstances you have been enduring. But to justify your fights that way could be very unacceptable, manipulative and even abusive, since your situation could only make you more vulnerable to suffer abuse but dose not explain the fact he has an anger problem and cannot control it to he point of becoming this abusive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He doesn't? That's very shocking, frustrating ad concerning, since without him acknowledging these serious personal anger issues, and taking full responsibility for his own feelings, choices, actions and reactions, there would be no way for him to commit to work on making changes, to rehabiltate from these problems-disorder not to benefit from professional psychological support, so necessary in cases like this.

Customer: Should I leave him alone? He is a wonderful man due to his personality he is this way. Should I explain to him why I am leaving him alone and suggest I wouldn't have anything to do with him until he sorted the anger out. He is in denial.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I do totally support you and your plan, since i do nit see other way he could stop and reflect on his actions and the way his personal issues literally shape and distort your relationship and his experiences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His denial, avoidance, justification and other serious issues would only get worse if not confronted with healthy boundaries and limits

Customer: Ok I will suggest to him that he needs to get help for his anger. I don't feel I have anything to lose by walking. It will be hard as I love him but my instinct is telling me that this issue lies mostly with his lack of ability to control his anger.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree and support you. he is the only one with the power and responsibility to work on himself, and if he chooses not to do so, nothing and nobody could help him to build and enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as much as possible, OK?

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