Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very concerning and frustrating situation.
What you describe here is very serious since it shows how your partner has been enabling his adult daughter and her boyfriend all this time, to the point of not being only very irresponsible but also neglectful and abusive.
Now you have decided to build a family together and this means each of you should be willing and committed to respect, support and take good care of the other as responsible and sensitive adults...
But you also report that he keeps these animals he did not want in the first place for his daughters, but now they are all adults and only one living there, which is not even respecting basic boundaries but creating a huge mess in her room and in the house. Also you have developed asthma because of the animals, then it is very obvious and a matter of common sense, to come to terms with the fact that keeping the animals there would not only continue to hurt your physical and mental health but your life together.
If you try to please his ex-wife expecting that would help you and your relationship, that would never work for sure, since it would be a very codependent approach enabling further manipulation, control and abuse.
Does it make sense?
Please feel free to reply for us to dialogue about it, or if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as much as possible.
Thanks so much for your wisdom,
I have always taken the stance with the girls that you suggested - I once spent a weekend washing and sorting all their clothes that were strewn all over the house and called a family meeting and asked them cheerfully to decide which of the clothes they still wanted and which of them should we take to the charity collection. Similarly I spent a week recently clearing out all the kitchen cupboards and sent down some of my own furniture to make the place look more homely. They were very appreciative and they have made a noticeable effort in the kitchen.
I am concerned because I am a very busy professional myself but have always enjoyed cooperation from my 3 children. My children are concerned that I will become very depressed in that home.