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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
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Suzanne or ANY Pro I am in a fairly new relationship

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Suzanne or ANY Pro


 


I am in a fairly new relationship of 5 months and my boyfriend has admitted to having long standing issues sexually. Ever since he first started masturbating he is a prone masturbator rubbing himself on his bed and using pillows to get himself to orgasm. So when we first got together he was able to have sex for a long time but could never come, although claimed he still enjoyed it and was always keen to ensure I reached orgasm during sex. Fortunately after counselling and restraining himself from any kind of masturbation he can now reach orgasm during sex. It's been a bit of a journey but I am pleased we have made progress. However, there are still issues. He does not give me oral sex. When I asked him why, he told me that he has rarely done it in the past and never thought he was any good at it as he never got a good reaction from the few girls he went down on. He has also admitted to thinking that the vagina is ugly. You can imagine how hurt I was from that comment and am finding it hard to get past that. He is happy for me to perform oral on him but is unable to come through oral but will not perform oral on me. He also rarely kisses me during sex. I have explained that kissing me makes me hornier and he does try sometimes but claims he is concentrating on the movement etc. He used to use porn to help him reach orgasm when he used to masturbate so I asked him how he handled looking at women's vaginas in porn if he thought they were ugly but he didn't really reply. I am trying to be patient with him because he is being honest and things are getting better but I frequently find myself wondering if he has a Problem with women. I don't feel like he loves me or my body and during sex he keeps his head to the side not looking at me. I have looked online for advice but most with similar issues is regarding Men being selfish and Just after their own satisfaction but I don't think this is his problem. Although I am lucky enough to be able to orgasm through intercourse but I do wonder what it would be like if I couldn't. Would he make more of an effort perhaps? I have tried to reassure him that there is no perfect technique to give someone oral and that everytime you are with a new partner you have to adjust to their specific needs but so far still no oral. He told me that he does want to do it but has made no attempt. He rarely kisses me below the neck and only kisses my breasts for a short time. Even if I am on top he doesn't kiss me or barely kisses me and doesn't grab my breasts. His face depicts intense concentration. Do you think he is elsewhere in his thoughts and this is how he is managing to enjoy sex as he doesn't seem to 'enjoy' my body apart from the obvious penis in vagina side of things. But I am often left thinking am I just a replacement for his pillow? The oral issue is effecting my mind as since he told me he thinks vaginas are ugly I am incredibly conscious of walking around naked in front of him and I hate it when he takes my underwear off as I feel it exposes my ugly part, although I have recently noticed he doesn't really look down there when he removes them anyway. Makes me feel abnormal. I even wonder if I would be able to concentrate if he did go down on me as I know I will be worried that he is thinking I am ugly down there. I am starting to have real feelings for him but need advice on these issues. I feel we have come a long way but have never had to be so understanding and patient like this before. Is his sexually immature or selfish or is his view on sex distorted due to his use of porn? How do we move forward? I am 36 and he is 30. He has told me that he loves me, although almost never says it unless we have had a fight or something similar.

Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 9 months ago.

Hi, I'm Josie and I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online.

If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.

I am happy for my question to be submitted to any qualified relationship expert.

Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 9 months ago.
Hello

Thank you for your reply.

Your question is open to all professionals and we will continue to look for a professional to assist you.

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance while you wait.

Best,
Josie~Moderator
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this question.

Your boyfriend seems to have some serious sexual issues that may stem from his childhood.

His reactions to sex, his previous attachment to prone sex, and his seeming revulsion or disinterest in sex or touching is a clue to me that he have be suffering from Asperger's Disorder, a mild form of highly functional Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

This would be my first line of inquiry.

Does he have trouble making eye contact with others? Was he a late developer in socializing? Is he sometimes awkward in his posture, or socially awkward?

Does he seem to have a fixation on parts of things? He has a negative fixation on vaginas and things "oral" including kissing and oral sex.

I strongly recommend that you make an appointment to see a sex therapist, who is a mental health professional with additional training and national certification in sexual matters, and would be the best one to make a face to face assessment.

He or she should understand the particular sexual needs and quirks of someone with Asperger's, if this is the case, or with general problems as your boyfriend seems to have.

The best way to find a nationally certified therapist is at this sight:

AASECT

I wish you great success in getting this sorted out. He has responded positively before, and now you need to dig deeper and see what further treatment is needed.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC


Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Hi there. My boyfriend does not feel revulsion towards sex. We have sex regularly but during sex he does not kiss me much if at all and just seems focused on the act itself. He is not socially awkward. I am not sure you have read my issues correctly. My worries with him are about his issues with performing oral and intimacy issues during sex. He is a great kisser outside of the bedroom just doesn't do it during sex. I was wondering if it stems from using porn and him having a distorted view on sex from watching it and what we can do to move forward.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear friend,

I did have to ask about Asperger's. This was an obvious first question and I am so glad to hear that he does not apparently suffer from it.

I did read your issues very carefully, and have noticed that he does not seem to be wholly engaged in sex (i.e. fully immersed in it) but rather is concentrating on making a performance, and concentrating on himslef.

As you know, when you are in the throes of passions, you are reactiing to stimuli internal and external and are consumed with total passion. You want to give everything and be given everything, no holds barred.

In this state, you are no longer engaged in an intellectual activity. It seems, however, that he is not consumed with it as you are.

I do not think that this is merely from having a distorted view of sex because of exposure to porn. I think that porn is destructive to relationships and causes distorted thinking, and exept for a few instances where it can be therapeutic, I think it is usually a destructive factor.

It seems here, however, that your boyfriend has an anxiety disorder and possibly a phobia - a fear of sex and a fear of oral engagement during sex- that is causing his issues,and once again, may stem from some sort of childhood trauma.

At this point it seems to be affecting your relationship in a harmful way that may be weakening the bond between you.

I understand how much anguish you must feel from this lack of acceptance (or rejection) of who you are.

This needs a professional intervention and facilitation of communication between the two of you that you will not achieve through workbooks, online, or chatting between the two of you. I still recommend that you find an AASECT therapist who will help you more than must a marriage and family therapist (and many AASECT members are already LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapists) or other licensed trained professionals.

I do strongly recommend that you seek additional face-to-face help together. This is a complex problem and your boyfriend needs additional help.

It seems that you have a lot going for you in this relationship but this problem will weaken it unless it is addressed in a serious fashion. I urge prompt action and believe that you can work on overcoming this, but you must start soon.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

We are in the UK so not sure what the equivalent of AASECT would be.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear friend,

You can find therapists in UK through COSRT, The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists:

http://www.cosrt.org.uk/information-for-members-of-the-public/therapist-listing/

Their home page is:

http://www.cosrt.org.uk/

I wish you great success.

God bless.

Elliott
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Any further help out there? I was looking for an answer rather than a referral. I put a lot of detail in my question surely someone can provide a way forward other than 'go speak to someone else'


 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 9 months ago.
Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
I have read your words and thoughts carefully and truly feel for what you are going through.
As I read your words, i was left with the feeling that he has some deep issues regarding intimacy and connection....true connection to another person that when one has it, they are able to talk openly about things, to explore each others bodies and to be mutual in the physical and emotional aspect of the relationship. I do not hear that he has those abilities. Do I believe it is because he has a distorted image of sex because of his use of porn? I do not....rather, I think he has used the porn as a way to release his sexual energy while not having to truly connect to another. His use of pillows during masturbation also speaks to this. There is no connection to another person here..just the porn and the pillow. When he "has" to connect, he is unable and unwilling to perform and be mutual.
Whatever his past issues are from his childhood or in his past sexual relationships, they are being played out here with you. For him to say that he believes Vagina's are ugly might be his real feelings, but saying that to you only hurts you and causes pain and discomfort as you experience now. Kissing or lack of kissing also implies a lack of ability to truly connect to another. As you describe him seeming very concentrated on the act also speaks to it just being about the act and not about true intimacy. True intimacy is about being vulnerable, exploring, discussing insecurities and working through them.
So, what does this all mean for you? I think things will remain the same unless he is able to begin working on things for himself to understand his level of disconnect. I do not think it is about you in any way and more about some unresolved issues of intimacy and connection that has caused him to be disconnected from you and only connected to the use of pillows and porn.
Do you run from this relationship? Not necessarily. But, there are red flags here and I do think you could feel unfulfilled and self conscious as his issues are being played you with you. I understand you are feeling for him, but these are things you need to evaluate as you get closer. At 5 months into the relationship sex should be easy and free and frivolous and not fraught with this type of tension.
Let me know your thoughts at this point and we can certainly continue the discussion if you need more of my thoughts.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Thank you for your reply. It has left me with a lot to think about. I am not sure if he has issues from his childhood. I do know that his mum died when he was very young giving birth to his little sister who also died. He had a somewhat troubled childhood in the fact that his dad was away a lot and he was brought up by nanny's. He never speaks negatively about this though. He was also at boarding school which he doesn't remember with fond memories and I think he was expelled. He had issues with his step mum and left to live with his aunt and uncle whom he refers to as his parents. So I guess he has had family issues but still talks to his dad etc. He did mention that he thought he started masturbating by rubbing himself on his bed because his dad was not around and he didn't know any better. I challenged this as I have 2 brothers and pretty certain my dad never taught them. He is very close to his older sister who is 35. He even calls her babes and she sends him valentine's day cards (something I recently found out) and we have had fights about him calling her babes as he also calls me that and I find it too weird. I think that his sister is more a motherly figure to him but their closeness does make me uncomfortable. So I can't understand why he has issues connecting. He has a wide circle of friends and a very tight inner circle of close friends and they are very much there for each other. He no longer masturbates at all as he says he would rather be able to orgasm with me and he gets to orgasm pretty much every time we have sex now. Previously he could have sex for 1-2hrs without reaching orgasm which was very confusing and difficult to deal with. He always claimed he still enjoys it though. With respects to him telling me he thinks vaginas are ugly, I don't think he said it to hurt me, more to try and explain away his issue? He never reached orgasm during sex throughout his entire 6 month relationship with his ex and never went down on her even though she wanted him to. The more times we have sex, the more I am left wondering why he doesn't like to kiss me during sex, why he puts his head to one side and why when I am on top he doesn't grab or caress my breasts and just seems to be fully concentrating on the physical act. I am frequently left feeling undesirable. Even times when I am in the shower and he comes into the bathroom he never feels the urge to touch me or get in the shower with me. When he is in the shower I can't help but touch his wet skin if I get the opportunity. The only thing stopping me getting in there with him is insecurities due to how he is subconsciously making me feel with his lack of connection with me and my body. I know that he did have a relationship with a girl in the past who liked him to get aggressive with her, biting, pulling her hair and holding her throat etc and he showed me a picture of his back scratched to bits after having sex with her. She even liked him to hit her in the face! When we first got together he was quite rough, used to really pull my hair and bite me, but I had to call time on that behaviour as it was too disconcerting for me, put me off and I was always covered in bruises. He no longer does that and we still have sex as often as before. So maybe he is making progress? He no longer masturbates in the destructive way he used to, he isn't aggressive during sex anymore, he can now reach orgasm through sex. So maybe we xan find a solution to the kissing and oral sex issues. Could you give me any tips on how to get him to do this more or should I just insist on it?

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 9 months ago.
I would not recommend that you insist him to do anything. Hearing his history of him mom dying and him going to boarding school and then living with relatives completes my thinking about his inability to connect now. He is so afraid to do so for fear of the loss as he has already suffered the greatest loss...the death of his mother. He may not be aware of this fear, but it sounds to me that all that you describe keeps him at some distance from those whom he cares about so that he doesn't have to suffer another loss.

If you care for him, then I would suggest you love him, quietly and gently and let things develop as they should and hold his hand as a metaphor to help him feel safe in life and safe in connection with another. This fear of loss is so great. I do not think that analyzing it for him either will be helpful. He has protected these feelings his whole life. Love him, have empathy for how he developed and help him to have a safe and secure experience and hopefully in time, his guard can come down and he can truly connect to you. I hear it more clearly now. He probably wants to but his unconscious fear of loss is so powerful for him.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Wow. I did not see that answer coming. Of course the death of his mother was awful and I know he wonders if it is better that he does not remember her as he was so young when it happened. So are you telling me that all of his sexual issues stem from his mum dying? That is really intense. I do appreciate that I need to be there for him and believe me I have helped him through a lot so far but this does not help me deal with how his behaviour during our most intimate times makes me feel. I know that his ex left him for another man and while I would never want to do that I can understand why after 6 months of him never reaching orgasm with her or getting truly iintimate with her would have pushed her to do that. Of course I want to be there for him but who will be there for me? I feel very deeply for him but don't want to end up resenting him or hating myself for how he makes me feel. I feel completely lost as to what to do now.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 9 months ago.
As hard as this may be to hear and truly understand...it is less about the sex and more about his connecting to another. So when i say that his difficult childhood and the death of his mother has prevented him from connecting, I am saying that it has effected him in all areas because the fear of loss is so great. If he doesn't fully connect to you during sex then he is not fully connected so that if he loses you he does not need to feel the pain. Orgasm is the expression of being present and connected and this happens when one can relax and just be. He is too afraid to do so.

It may be hurtful for you and tough to deal with, but it is not because he isn't attracted to you. I understand your desire for him to be there for you and I am sure he wants to but again unless he works through these losses and there have been many, then he will always keep someone at arms length. If he desires to see someone for therapy that would be helpful.
This presents you with a decision...stay with him and hope he can connect or walk away. You sound like you really care for him so think before you make any quick decisions.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Thank you Jen. I don't plan on giving up on him. He is a great guy and talking this through with you has helped me understand him better and even helps me understand some of his other behaviours as well. One last question. Do you think I should tell him this discussion we have had or would this upset him?

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 9 months ago.
It is my pleasure to support you and I am always here if you need me.
That is up to you about what you want to share with him. It is okay for you to get support. Only you can decide if you want to share that you and I spent time.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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