Suzanne or ANY Pro
I am in a fairly new relationship of 5 months and my boyfriend has admitted to having long standing issues sexually. Ever since he first started masturbating he is a prone masturbator rubbing himself on his bed and using pillows to get himself to orgasm. So when we first got together he was able to have sex for a long time but could never come, although claimed he still enjoyed it and was always keen to ensure I reached orgasm during sex. Fortunately after counselling and restraining himself from any kind of masturbation he can now reach orgasm during sex. It's been a bit of a journey but I am pleased we have made progress. However, there are still issues. He does not give me oral sex. When I asked him why, he told me that he has rarely done it in the past and never thought he was any good at it as he never got a good reaction from the few girls he went down on. He has also admitted to thinking that the vagina is ugly. You can imagine how hurt I was from that comment and am finding it hard to get past that. He is happy for me to perform oral on him but is unable to come through oral but will not perform oral on me. He also rarely kisses me during sex. I have explained that kissing me makes me hornier and he does try sometimes but claims he is concentrating on the movement etc. He used to use porn to help him reach orgasm when he used to masturbate so I asked him how he handled looking at women's vaginas in porn if he thought they were ugly but he didn't really reply. I am trying to be patient with him because he is being honest and things are getting better but I frequently find myself wondering if he has a Problem with women. I don't feel like he loves me or my body and during sex he keeps his head to the side not looking at me. I have looked online for advice but most with similar issues is regarding Men being selfish and Just after their own satisfaction but I don't think this is his problem. Although I am lucky enough to be able to orgasm through intercourse but I do wonder what it would be like if I couldn't. Would he make more of an effort perhaps? I have tried to reassure him that there is no perfect technique to give someone oral and that everytime you are with a new partner you have to adjust to their specific needs but so far still no oral. He told me that he does want to do it but has made no attempt. He rarely kisses me below the neck and only kisses my breasts for a short time. Even if I am on top he doesn't kiss me or barely kisses me and doesn't grab my breasts. His face depicts intense concentration. Do you think he is elsewhere in his thoughts and this is how he is managing to enjoy sex as he doesn't seem to 'enjoy' my body apart from the obvious penis in vagina side of things. But I am often left thinking am I just a replacement for his pillow? The oral issue is effecting my mind as since he told me he thinks vaginas are ugly I am incredibly conscious of walking around naked in front of him and I hate it when he takes my underwear off as I feel it exposes my ugly part, although I have recently noticed he doesn't really look down there when he removes them anyway. Makes me feel abnormal. I even wonder if I would be able to concentrate if he did go down on me as I know I will be worried that he is thinking I am ugly down there. I am starting to have real feelings for him but need advice on these issues. I feel we have come a long way but have never had to be so understanding and patient like this before. Is his sexually immature or selfish or is his view on sex distorted due to his use of porn? How do we move forward? I am 36 and he is 30. He has told me that he loves me, although almost never says it unless we have had a fight or something similar.
Hi, I'm Josie and I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online.
If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
I am happy for my question to be submitted to any qualified relationship expert.
Hi there. My boyfriend does not feel revulsion towards sex. We have sex regularly but during sex he does not kiss me much if at all and just seems focused on the act itself. He is not socially awkward. I am not sure you have read my issues correctly. My worries with him are about his issues with performing oral and intimacy issues during sex. He is a great kisser outside of the bedroom just doesn't do it during sex. I was wondering if it stems from using porn and him having a distorted view on sex from watching it and what we can do to move forward.
We are in the UK so not sure what the equivalent of AASECT would be.
Any further help out there? I was looking for an answer rather than a referral. I put a lot of detail in my question surely someone can provide a way forward other than 'go speak to someone else'
Thank you for your reply. It has left me with a lot to think about. I am not sure if he has issues from his childhood. I do know that his mum died when he was very young giving birth to his little sister who also died. He had a somewhat troubled childhood in the fact that his dad was away a lot and he was brought up by nanny's. He never speaks negatively about this though. He was also at boarding school which he doesn't remember with fond memories and I think he was expelled. He had issues with his step mum and left to live with his aunt and uncle whom he refers to as his parents. So I guess he has had family issues but still talks to his dad etc. He did mention that he thought he started masturbating by rubbing himself on his bed because his dad was not around and he didn't know any better. I challenged this as I have 2 brothers and pretty certain my dad never taught them. He is very close to his older sister who is 35. He even calls her babes and she sends him valentine's day cards (something I recently found out) and we have had fights about him calling her babes as he also calls me that and I find it too weird. I think that his sister is more a motherly figure to him but their closeness does make me uncomfortable. So I can't understand why he has issues connecting. He has a wide circle of friends and a very tight inner circle of close friends and they are very much there for each other. He no longer masturbates at all as he says he would rather be able to orgasm with me and he gets to orgasm pretty much every time we have sex now. Previously he could have sex for 1-2hrs without reaching orgasm which was very confusing and difficult to deal with. He always claimed he still enjoys it though. With respects to him telling me he thinks vaginas are ugly, I don't think he said it to hurt me, more to try and explain away his issue? He never reached orgasm during sex throughout his entire 6 month relationship with his ex and never went down on her even though she wanted him to. The more times we have sex, the more I am left wondering why he doesn't like to kiss me during sex, why he puts his head to one side and why when I am on top he doesn't grab or caress my breasts and just seems to be fully concentrating on the physical act. I am frequently left feeling undesirable. Even times when I am in the shower and he comes into the bathroom he never feels the urge to touch me or get in the shower with me. When he is in the shower I can't help but touch his wet skin if I get the opportunity. The only thing stopping me getting in there with him is insecurities due to how he is subconsciously making me feel with his lack of connection with me and my body. I know that he did have a relationship with a girl in the past who liked him to get aggressive with her, biting, pulling her hair and holding her throat etc and he showed me a picture of his back scratched to bits after having sex with her. She even liked him to hit her in the face! When we first got together he was quite rough, used to really pull my hair and bite me, but I had to call time on that behaviour as it was too disconcerting for me, put me off and I was always covered in bruises. He no longer does that and we still have sex as often as before. So maybe he is making progress? He no longer masturbates in the destructive way he used to, he isn't aggressive during sex anymore, he can now reach orgasm through sex. So maybe we xan find a solution to the kissing and oral sex issues. Could you give me any tips on how to get him to do this more or should I just insist on it?
Wow. I did not see that answer coming. Of course the death of his mother was awful and I know he wonders if it is better that he does not remember her as he was so young when it happened. So are you telling me that all of his sexual issues stem from his mum dying? That is really intense. I do appreciate that I need to be there for him and believe me I have helped him through a lot so far but this does not help me deal with how his behaviour during our most intimate times makes me feel. I know that his ex left him for another man and while I would never want to do that I can understand why after 6 months of him never reaching orgasm with her or getting truly iintimate with her would have pushed her to do that. Of course I want to be there for him but who will be there for me? I feel very deeply for him but don't want to end up resenting him or hating myself for how he makes me feel. I feel completely lost as to what to do now.
Thank you Jen. I don't plan on giving up on him. He is a great guy and talking this through with you has helped me understand him better and even helps me understand some of his other behaviours as well. One last question. Do you think I should tell him this discussion we have had or would this upset him?