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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi. I marrried a man that I love and he loves me. We married

Resolved Question:

Hi. I marrried a man that I love and he loves me. We married about one year ago and lived as a couple for 9 yrs. The problem is my husbands wife passed away about 12 yrs. ago I was divorced from a 27 yr. divorce. My husband has three adult children and I have two adult children. My husband's oldest daughter has always has a sense of entitlement with her father. She is very jealous of me and treats me very mean when no one is around. She wants to treat me like I'm nothing. My husband previously was a physician and have had many wonderful experiences. She says things like when I decorated our new home-her comment was "You really need to hire a decorator" I said, you do remember that is my profession-right? I am a decorator! Then one time she asked me to help her make a plan to organize her sons room. She went to get a paper for me and left me there and never came back. When we go to family gatherings-in the past -quite often, she would hug me at the door and never talk after that. She has yelled at me when I try to help in the kitchen. My husband is so sad about this it really has made both of us sad. We bought a nice home so we could have all our grandchildren to come visit on school vacations. My adult children never come to visit because they don't want to start a new family. Mike, my husband has started college funds for all our children. I think my husband, Mike and his wife did not discipline their children. I worked very hard at teaching right from wrong to my kids. This has affected my health, seriously. I have several auto immune disorders, that are stress related. I think if something is not resolved, my life will be cut short from stress and worry. I can't sleep, I get up worrying.
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 7 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help. You are very aware of the problems you face and somehow you believe that you can change their behavior, when it seems that you cannot.

You have to adapt to their behavior and do your best to cope with it an manage it when they are with you.

If they are in your space, then save a child friendly room for the children to play in, with valuables and delicate objects locked elsewhere. Keep the children in their play zone and make sure they stay away from your valuables.

You understand that she is resentful and jealous of your position with her father and that her hostile words and actions are a relection of a very insecure and unhappy person. This is her unfortunate problem and does not reflect on you personally, but on her own insecurity.

It may be hard to respond to her negativity with kindness, as if you never noticed. It is often the case when meaness is ignored the mean person changes their opinion of the person who refused to see them in a negative light, and they change their attitude.

When people are mean they expect a negative response. They are baiting you and when they get that negative response from you, they feel justified. When they do NOT get that response, it often turns them around.

Whatever comes your way, step aside like a skilled bull-fighter and let them wear themselves out.

If you are still getting stressed out when they come, talk to your physician and briefly explain your situation and ask for some antianxiety medication, such as lorazepam or clonazeapm (both benzodiazepines) to take on an as needed basis, to reduce or eliminate anxiety during these visits, so as not to exacerbate your health problems.

You cannot control them but only managage them.

I wish you great resolve in finding the best solutions to your own responses to the various familly members stressing you, and to that end shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 months ago.

Last question-should we limit family gatherings. Should we have the gatherings mostly at our house?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 7 months ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Have as many family gatherings as there is enthusiasm for them. If they seem as if they will be joyful events, then go to the, and by all means avoid confrontation is a very positive way. It takes two. Look out for traps and landmines and all will go well.

Having the gatherings elsewhere will avoid the stress of destructive children, and will also give you the opportunity to bow out (always gracefully, feeling tired, weak, etc.) if the situation heads south.

Thank you so much. May God bless your family and bring you peace.

\Warm regards

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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