Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very painful situation
I am rereading your message in order to be sure about everything you said about your situation
This is truly sad, concerning and frustrating
Could you please tell me more about his reactions whenever you do not play this role of pleasing and fueling his ego?
What about his reactions if you openly disagree with anything? You said he raises his voice and is unable to admit any wrong doings, right?
This is truly sad, because everything you described here shows your husband may be very immature, presents very dysfunctional patterns, matching what we known as personality disorders, since the level of severity of his selfishness, disregards XXXXX XXXXX feelings, core needs and expectations, his neediness for being seen as a great person, and everything else you described, is very dysfucntional.
I am sorry to know your marriage life has been this way.
Specifically she shows core traits of what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, what would explain of his immaturity, neediness, manipulation, abusive behaviors and neglect for so long at so many levels. besides of having a sexual dysfunction.
I am sorry but it seems obvious to me based on your story that this has been a life time reality, very dysfunctional, neglectful and frustrating for sure, only you know how it feels to be in your shoes, and it seems that he is unable and unwilling to change at all, and when that's the case, things could not really improve, since he is the only one with the power to make these changes happen.
Personality disorders like this require consistent individual psychotherapy for the person to truly rehabilitate, and the progress uses to be slow and limited but could only happen if the person truly admits the disorder, and the dysfunction, and he seems far away form that, even less from taking full responsibility for his selfish and unhealthy actions for this long.
Once he starts working on himself with professional support, then marriage counseling could be beneficial, otherwise it would not even happen or be helpful at all.
He presents traits of borderline disorder and for sure serious codependency; and all these disorders and dysfunctions have been there for all these years,which is truly concerning
I see, it's very frustrating and sad.
Please, if possible consider reading any of these books, it could help you better understand and cop with this limited an frustrating reality. But I do believe individual psychotherapy would be the best for you, since it is truly tough to cope with a situation like this, this limited and frustrating.
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, You Might Be a Narcissist If... - How to Identify Narcissism in Ourselves and Others and What We Can Do About It, and The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. These are wonderful books that could help you a lot understanding and coping with it.
It does perfect sense,since most times it is from a dysfunctional reality like that one that people develop these serious personality and mental health disorders.
Codependency has been there for so long then and he got enough distorted relationships, parenting and neglect to the point of developing this serious disorder.
Please do so, it is essential for your own mental health since once you cannot make him work on himself, you can always work on taking good care of your mental health and well-being, and because of the severity of these issues, psychotherapy could be very helpful and beneficial.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.