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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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my husband , I think, seems to need to feel wonderful, a great

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my husband , I think, seems to need to feel wonderful, a great guy, in other peoples eyes. He is a nice guy in the eyes of others, but to his family, he is not so nice. He cheated on me in the first 3 months of our marriage and then again 10 years later. He had an affair for 2 years with one of our waitresses, but when I found out thru phone calls and tapes of them in the motel room, he told her she had to quit, but still saw her again. Through that time we had sex, but It was me doing moatly everything, but he acted like he was happy. I was shocked to find out he was cheating again. He said it was just sex with her. And all thru our married life, he has always been more with the guys than family He is nice to us, but he needs attention from everyone. He is also very moody. He will come home and brag himself up about who said what about him, or all that he does for everyone else. And here we set. He golfs everyday until the weather gets cold. We live in Ohio. After golf, he coaches girls basketball. He spends hours and hours away for that. He brags on how the team is turning around because of him. I just listen and tell him how great he is in so many words. we are in our 60's and he is still needing this outside recognition. I recently told him that the basketball has got to stop if it interferes with our grandkids sports. He agreed. Tonight he had a scrimage that I could not go to. He came home but was not hungry. I said, did you grab something to eat on the way home, he then told me he went to a bar/restaurant with 2 girls that used to play for him ( they are daughters of our friends ) but are at BG College (where the scrimmage was) a wife of a friend, their daughter and a friend ( who are on the team) and another girl. I asked why did he go with them how did that come about? Why didnt he just come home. He hasnt been home for dinner in days? He said what do you thinkmI am doing, I just wanted to see the 2 from college. I told him I thought it was strange that he would want to do that. If ever we go anywhere, he has to walk around to see if he knows anyone. And then he stands and talks sports for 1/2 hour, usually about his basketball team. I guess what I am asking you is, am I wrong, or is it unusual for a man his age to need all of the outside attention. If he would give me a chance, I would be more than glad to be his fan so to speak. And .. if you think I am not all wrong, why does he need other people to praise him and tell him how nice,wonderful he is? I am speaking up for myself more and I did tell him he sure fakes it good to others, that they should see how he treats me at home. He is very nice if I dont disagree with him, but when I do, he starts to raise his voice and NEVER admits he is wrong. Maybe he has never loved me? I dont know. He was not able to complete sex with me several times and will not take viagra, so we stopped having sex, he just cant. But..... this type of needing others attention was going on way before the sex part, so it has nothing to do with that. Ok, thats all. so whats wrong with him? or me? Thanks for listening.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very painful situation

Customer: are you waiting for me to respond?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am rereading your message in order to be sure about everything you said about your situation

Customer: k
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly sad, concerning and frustrating

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about his reactions whenever you do not play this role of pleasing and fueling his ego?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What about his reactions if you openly disagree with anything? You said he raises his voice and is unable to admit any wrong doings, right?

Customer: I am thinking
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure

Customer: if I disagree with him he argues, defends and its not good. he will turn everything to me. Like tonight, he said, he didnt say anything about me going out with my friends tonight. I rarely go, but tonight I went with two of my friends , one from my work. We got a bite to eat and a drink. I was home by 7. he got home at 10:30. His scrimmage was at 5. In answering the first ? if I dont feed hid ego, he doesnt do anything. He gets enough from others, I guess.
Customer: I will never leave because I am not starting over at my age. 63. But why is he like this? There are times he comes home picking. I do everything except cut the grass. He cant do anything but sports. And I am ok with that..I just gutted our entire bathroom and tiled, it all, put in the sink, commode, then put a deck on the back of my daughters house.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly sad, because everything you described here shows your husband may be very immature, presents very dysfunctional patterns, matching what we known as personality disorders, since the level of severity of his selfishness, disregards XXXXX XXXXX feelings, core needs and expectations, his neediness for being seen as a great person, and everything else you described, is very dysfucntional.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know your marriage life has been this way.

Customer: Well, I told him he needs to get on some meds. I know he is immature. In several areas of his life. If I have the kids , grandkids over for dinner, he takes his food in the other room and watches sports. But.... if one of his friends were here for dinner, he would never do that. Its not just me he does this too. My family is great. My son is 43, has a excavating business, my daughters are beautiful, one is a cardiovascular ecco tech, the other owns a beauty shop. were all in shape, work out, its ot like were sloppy idiots. He knows that. So what do I need to do with him?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Specifically she shows core traits of what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, what would explain of his immaturity, neediness, manipulation, abusive behaviors and neglect for so long at so many levels. besides of having a sexual dysfunction.

Customer: Well I will have to do my homework on that to see how to fix it. Honestly, I work at our Public School and he is right up there with some of our SBH kids., any attention is attention type of child.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but it seems obvious to me based on your story that this has been a life time reality, very dysfunctional, neglectful and frustrating for sure, only you know how it feels to be in your shoes, and it seems that he is unable and unwilling to change at all, and when that's the case, things could not really improve, since he is the only one with the power to make these changes happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Personality disorders like this require consistent individual psychotherapy for the person to truly rehabilitate, and the progress uses to be slow and limited but could only happen if the person truly admits the disorder, and the dysfunction, and he seems far away form that, even less from taking full responsibility for his selfish and unhealthy actions for this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once he starts working on himself with professional support, then marriage counseling could be beneficial, otherwise it would not even happen or be helpful at all.

Customer: No, I don't expect he will change. He thinks hes right all the time. He doesnt have any close feiends just lots of friends. You would think hes the best guy in townif you were to meet him because he really does treat other very good, except when they cross him, then he argues to the bitter end.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He presents traits of borderline disorder and for sure serious codependency; and all these disorders and dysfunctions have been there for all these years,which is truly concerning

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, it's very frustrating and sad.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, if possible consider reading any of these books, it could help you better understand and cop with this limited an frustrating reality. But I do believe individual psychotherapy would be the best for you, since it is truly tough to cope with a situation like this, this limited and frustrating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, You Might Be a Narcissist If... - How to Identify Narcissism in Ourselves and Others and What We Can Do About It, and The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. These are wonderful books that could help you a lot understanding and coping with it.

Customer: His family was dysfunctional. Dad was never home, cheated on his mother his entire life. He told me his dad never went to anything of his as far as sports, school functions, etc., and he only was home to eat dinner with them maybe 20 times. This family was a pillar of this community. he watched his dad abuse his brother and mother. So, I will search on these problems and try to get him some therapy, or do it myself without him realizing. He first needs meds to take the edge off, relax him a bit. His road rage is going to get him killed. You have been great Rafael, and Thanks for listening. I will get those books.
Customer: Good Night
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It does perfect sense,since most times it is from a dysfunctional reality like that one that people develop these serious personality and mental health disorders.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependency has been there for so long then and he got enough distorted relationships, parenting and neglect to the point of developing this serious disorder.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do so, it is essential for your own mental health since once you cannot make him work on himself, you can always work on taking good care of your mental health and well-being, and because of the severity of these issues, psychotherapy could be very helpful and beneficial.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good night.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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